Firstly let me explain why my night was weird.
After I went to bed I headed into the PrettyThin chatroom for a bit and met some lovely and interesting people. I would recommend it if you just need someone to talk to and there's no-one around you who knows what you're going through. It's quite reassuring to not feel so alone and to be able to vent your feelings and frustrations with like-minded people.
Anyway.....
I managed to go to sleep and then a couple of hours later I woke up and couldn't settle again. My body hurt from head to toe and I was shivering with the cold. I didn't know if it was just my muscle condition playing up or a result of my restricting for the last week and a half taking it's toll on my body. Regardless I stayed in bed and tried to get back to sleep. Then all my thought patterns changed. I don't know if it was due to exhaustion as I was really very tired, but I thought to myself if it is my control over food that is making my body hurt in this way then I should just quit now and find another way to cope with my weight. But then I started to feel physically sick at the thought of going back to my old eating habits. That feeling alone disturbed me for a good hour or so. I couldn't even conceive of going back to the way I was and it made me feel very tearful and emotional. The thought that I couldn't bring myself to 'recover' even if I tried to and wanted to really upset me.
Why have I done this to myself? I genuinely feel heartbroken. But the idea, the mere notion of going back to consuming over 500 cals a day makes me shake and feel nauseous. I feel like such a fool and like there is fuck all I can do about it now,and it's all my own fault. I'll have to learn to deal with this in my own way and hope that a) I don't lose control and b) I recognise when it's time to ask for help.
That said, I managed to get some sleep eventually and then my alarm went off for me to get up and my head was giddy with the thought of stepping on the scales after my successful day yesterday.
153 lbs! I've lost 2 lbs in just one day! That is amazing!
Just goes to show if you have the willpower you can do anything and the world is your oyster as they say.
Sometimes you just have to say shit happens, but the grass is greener on the other side.
Thin is beautiful.
Day Two of the ABC diet commences today. Intake allowance - 500 cals.
This may be a tricky day as it's Sunday and my bf stays for dinner. I will remain strong, I promise.
GSK xoxo
Those midnight crashes are the worst, but assuringly they do pass.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't feel about about feeling the way you did and what you "have done to yourself", there is no going back, only forward. And when the day comes that you want to turn it around, it doesn't mean you have to go shove burgers down your throat. There's always a healthy option! Stay strong!
Fridens liljor!
Thanks honey, it was all just very bizarre. I've never felt so emotionally charged about anything.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know you're right :)
Onwards and upwards as they say.
GSK xoxo