Apologies for my absence these last couple of days. My mind has been running riot with me and my emotions are like a roller coaster that I can't keep up with no matter how hard I try.
I feel like I'm on a downward spiral and no matter what I do I can't stop now. But I don't want to stop. The ride is exhilarating and is the one area in my life where I alone have complete control. I just wonder how long it will be until this whole thing starts to affect my personal life. Feel like I'm waiting for my bf to step in, try to stop me and then we'll part and go our separate ways. At what point will they decide I'm incapable of looking after my son properly as in their eyes I cannot look after myself? That thought terrifies me to my core. I cannot imagine life without him in it. I know I've been with my bf for years but in some respects I want him to leave, to just let me be and allow me to get on with my self destruction unhindered. But whatever happens happens. I'm sure I can deal with whatever they choose to throw at me. I know that my son will always love me unconditionally and in a way that's all that matters any more.
I haven't lost any weight over the last couple of days, which is unbearably frustrating, as I've been careful with my eating, exercised and even did a 20 hour water fast. And still weigh the same! 146. Fuck.
I don't know what more I can do. Whether I should just stick with doing what I'm doing and hope that eventually the scales will allow the numbers to descend?
My clothes are feeling looser, I finally need a belt to hold my trousers up. But it's not enough. I want more. I NEED more!
The insomnia is slowly creeping in. I woke up at 1.10am this morning and finally went back to sleep at 4am. I'm a person who loves her sleep so this is definitely not normal or routine for me. I spent my wide awake hours reading a book I've borrowed from the library, To Die For by Carol Lee. It's really interesting, about an outsiders view of anorexia as she witnesses someone she cares about ebbing away with the illness. I'd recommend it to anyone. I'm now onto a book called Perfect by Emily Halban. I'll let you know if it's any good.
Hope you're all having a better time of it than I am.
AK xoxo
I'm sure that is not what would happen if your bf stepped in. I sure hope that he would support you. But it's nice to vent your thoughts on here, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI havn't lost anything in a couple of days. I try to blame it on my period, but my mind is kinda blocking that out! We just have to stay strong!
And about the insomnia, have you tried some camomile tea or some Valeria pills/extraxt?
Fridens liljor!
Hey honey :)
ReplyDeleteWell, last night we were watching a programme on TV and the girl was really skinny and I thought wow she looks beautiful, and my bf said ugh, that would be like having sex with a skeleton. It's just disgusting and ugly. Which I think is how it can appear to some people and the general consensus seems to be that it is unhealthy and not attractive.
I know how you feel with the not losing anything issue. It's driving me to distraction now. I'm due on in the next few days as well but like you I don't like seeing that as an excuse for no loss :/
I will try the camomile tea and see if that helps, thanks for the tip angel.
AK xoxo