No joy with the juice fast again.  Stayed with it until dinner time and then I went so light headed in the kitchen that I nearly collapsed.  Then I remembered something.


My doctor had told me a few weeks ago that my blood pressure is unusually low and that I need to eat to keep myself from collapsing as the low BP can cause me to go light headed and dizzy, so not to add anything else to the list that may cause me to drop.


That could very well mean no fasting at all, purely for health reasons.  Damnnit!


I can't stand the idea of staying this size, I sicken myself on a daily basis.  Fuck I hate this.  I get myself into the right frame of mind and then everything gets stacked against me.  As per.


I would honestly hate myself if I collapsed in front of my son.  He's 5.  God, just imagine how traumatic that would be for him.  I love him more than anything else in the entire world and I won't screw up his life or distort his view on things just because I'm screwed up.  Trying to keep things normal for him while my mind races thinking about how I can avoid this or that, or find a lower cal option, or consume less....its exhausting.


I feel like gagging when I'm making dinners for him, but at the end of the day his health is my priority.
Gosh, things have gotten so hard and I'm feeling so low, like I've hit rock bottom right now.  I lay on the sofa this afternoon while he was at school and I was watching a film with Sarah Michelle Gellar in.  Looking at her so thin and radiant was inspirational.  She has a gorgeous body.  Shame I think she could do with a bag on her head but such is life.  One persons beauty is another's ugliness.


Despondent and hopeless I'm going to head to bed.


GSK xoxo