What a day, RANT!!!

Today's weight = 146.  Disappointing but deserved after last night's antics.  Ridiculous.  Ah well, need to put it behind me and focus on moving on.

Had my bloods done today as requested by Pauline, will get the results on Wednesday.  Also had my ECG done this afternoon.  What a fucking nightmare. Made the HUGE mistake of taking my Mother with me to the appointment.  As always, she managed to turn it all around so it was about her.  My appointment, my ECG, her issues?  I'm fairly sure that's not what is supposed to happen.

The nurse was asking me how my issues started so she could try to understand why the ECG had been requested as there were no notes on the system.  Next thing I know she's telling the nurse that she must have an ED too because she checks the labels on foods and doesn't always eat right.  I honestly felt like screaming.  Why is everything always about her?!  It's me that has the fucking issues, she is diabetic, that's why she has to check the fucking labels.  And it just got worse from there.  'Well it all started when she went to Slimming World last year, she lost a lot of weight in a short space of time and then she's never been able to cope since.'  Like I'm a sodding child.  Fuck off Mother.  Honestly, it pisses me off.  It's like she's trying to be supportive but only on her terms.  Balls to that, that's not the kind of support I need.  I need support on my terms and screw everyone else.  It isn't about them.  I'm just going to have to cut them out of my life gradually.  Making me think it's all in my head and there's nothing wrong with me is hardly being supportive is it?  If anything it is likely to make me worse and I can do without that.

Last week when we were going grocery shopping I was telling her I'd received the letter from Pauline and I would appreciate it if she would read it when we got back.  Then she said (and I fucking quote) "I know you're complaining about yourself but I think *** may have an eating disorder you know."

Now I'm well aware that *** (my step-sis) hardly eats and is stick thin, trust me it hasn't gone unnoticed and I'm equally concerned for her as I love her to bits.  But that's not what bothered me.  Complaining?  Is that what me reaching out to her seems like?  I need a support network who can help me through all this crap and that's how she views everything?  

Everything seems so fucked up and difficult.  The only person who doesn't push me and offers support when I ask for it is my BF.  My Father thinks there's nothing wrong with me and that the professionals are wrong.  My Mother also seems to be taking that stance though she won't openly say it and belittles me when I talk about it all to her, so why bother.  

Clearly I need people like my BF in my life, and ironically my family are not so supportive of me after all.  Like I'm more hassle than I'm worth.  

Perhaps they're right.  Best not to let them be involved in it any more.  If they ask how it's all going then I'll be as limitedly honest as I can get away with.  Well after all, there's nothing wrong with me right?  Precisely.

Consumed around 1000 cals today.  Not been bothered to count which isn't like me at all but it's just been one of those days where I wish I hadn't got the fuck out of bed.  Finger's crossed tomorrow will be better.  Let's face it, it can't be any worse can it?

Much love,

AK xoxo