It's back....and magnified.

I have things I need to say and I'm perfectly aware that this may make anyone reading this blog portray me in a different light.  But I cannot carry on like this.


My depression is back with a vengeance.  I've denied it for a while now but it's time that I learned to face facts.  It's back, and stronger than ever before, and  though it pains me to say this, I need help.


The despair I feel every day is overwhelming.  I feel like I'm the most useless person and that my son deserves a better life than the one I'm giving him.  I hate admitting this, and you have no idea just how much I hate asking for help. It makes me feel utterly helpless and that makes the despair more intense.  It's a vicious cycle that I'm stuck on in repeat.
My debt situation is worsening, due to the fact that most days I cannot bring myself to leave the house.  I write letters to creditors with all good intentions and then fail to post them in time because I can't bring myself to leave the house to buy stamps.  It sounds so silly when I say it out loud but it's the truth.  The problems that then arise from my anxiety about going out, even to the shop, is such that I end up receiving threats to take me to court which makes the despair worse. And then I'm back to my cycle again.  It never ends.


When my son goes to stay at his Dad's at the weekend I lose it even more.  When he's here, I feel like I need to stay around for him, because he needs me.  But when he's away I feel like there's nothing keeping me here any more and that no doubt he's doing just fine without me.  I always say that my weekend is the time for me to catch up on errands and get my housework done while my son is away, but the reality is that I barely get out of bed the entire time.  I just can't steel myself to get up and get dressed because there is no one here to motivate me.


My mood swings are worsening, to the point where I am mostly irritable and not in the mood for company. I know that this is having an impact on everyone around me, I just know it is.  My lack of organisation bothers my bf no end, and when he comes over if things aren't done he just has a go at me and I apologise and get on with it.  If only I could brave myself to tell him that I'm suffering and that I can't go on any more, but I fear that he will judge me.


My heart is breaking, I hate feeling this insecure, out of control, useless, demotivated and weak, which are the things I had last time I was depressed but this time they are magnified a thousand fold.  I worry that if I ask for help from my doctor that they will get involved in my child's life, and question my ability to care for him and that would snap me in two.  He is my world, my rock, my one ounce of stability that I have left.  My world without him in it would just be pointless and the thought of ending it all would be easier.  Right now, as it stands, I keep going for him and him alone.  Take him out of the equation and it would just make it easier for me to bite the bullet and escape this world for good. 


I'm sorry.  To everyone really.  I'm aware how deep this all is but I just needed to write it down, and where better than somewhere where anyone can see it if only they took the trouble to look.  If I get diagnosed as depressive again then I will lose my job, odd I know, but it says so in my contract that if I contract a mental illness (of which depression is one) then it will directly affect my ability to do my job and I must resign.  


I don't want to say I'm ill, though I know that I am.  I am on the verge of tears now so I won't write much more.  I hate myself, though hate is perhaps too light a term.  I loathe myself, to the end of the world and back again.


I will make an appointment today to see my doctor.  I am terrified of how this will all play out and I think I need to make that clear to him.  But my well being and ability to cope when I have a child to care for is paramount compared to my volunteer job. Time to face the music I suppose.  I have denied that I'm sliding back into depression for over a year now.  I cannot deny it any more.


AK xoxo