Why do they call them wisdom teeth when they make us none the wiser?

My wisdom teeth are causing me pain now.  Stupid things.  On the plus side it hurts to eat much so that is proving to be pretty useful and a wonderful excuse not to eat should anybody offer me anything.  Bliss.


Was very light headed this morning, and so I had 2 slices of wholemeal toast with 2 grams of light margarine - 123 cals, and a glass of water.


Can't afford to be seen to be unwell this week as my son is off school for half term and so he is at home with me all week.  On the plus side think of all the exercise as we plan activities to keep us occupied.  Today I'm hoping to wrap him up nice and warm and take him for a walk around the nearby woodland and lake where we can feed the ducks.   :)


Also, I weighed in this morning at 145 lbs (10st 5lbs), which means (drum roll please) that I am now officially classed as a healthy weight and am no longer in the obese category.  Happy days indeed.


The insomnia left me alone last night for the most part, I did wake a few times but was soon able to fall asleep again, which is good.


I've planned the rest of my meals for the day as follows:


Lunch. 1 low fat yoghurt and a satsuma - 110 cals.


Dinner.  1 Birdseye chicken chargrill (original) with mashed potatoes and steamed vegetables - 255 cals.


Total for the day - 488 cals, and back on track.


AK xoxo

Apologies

Apologies for my absence these last couple of days.  My mind has been running riot with me and my emotions are like a roller coaster that I can't keep up with no matter how hard I try.  


I feel like I'm on a downward spiral and no matter what I do I can't stop now.  But I don't want to stop.  The ride is exhilarating and is the one area in my life where I alone have complete control.  I just wonder how long it will be until this whole thing starts to affect my personal life.  Feel like I'm waiting for my bf to step in, try to stop me and then we'll part and go our separate ways.  At what point will they decide I'm incapable of looking after my son properly as in their  eyes I cannot look after myself?  That thought terrifies me to my core.  I cannot imagine life without him in it.  I know I've been with my bf for years but in some respects I want him to leave, to just let me be and allow me to get on with my self destruction unhindered.  But whatever happens happens.  I'm sure I can deal with whatever they choose to throw at me.  I know that my son will always love me unconditionally and in a way that's all that matters any more.


I haven't lost any weight over the last couple of days, which is unbearably frustrating, as I've been careful with my eating, exercised and even did a 20 hour water fast.  And still weigh the same! 146.  Fuck.


I don't know what more I can do.  Whether I should just stick with doing what I'm doing and hope that eventually the scales will allow the numbers to descend?


My clothes are feeling looser, I finally need a belt to hold my trousers up.  But it's not enough.  I want more.  I NEED more!


The insomnia is slowly creeping in.  I woke up at 1.10am this morning and finally went back to sleep at 4am.  I'm a person who loves her sleep so this is definitely not normal or routine for me.  I spent my wide awake hours reading a book I've borrowed from the library, To Die For by Carol Lee.  It's really interesting, about an outsiders view of anorexia as she witnesses someone she cares about ebbing away with the illness.  I'd recommend it to anyone.  I'm now onto a book called Perfect by Emily Halban.  I'll let you know if it's any good.


Hope you're all having a better time of it than I am.


AK xoxo

Stayed good

I stayed below 500 cals yesterday and took a lax last night against my better judgement because it's days since I've been....yet again :/


Scales this morning say I'm back down to 146.  Happy days.


Today hasn't been terrible but it hasn't been great either in the same sentence.


I went a tiny bit over my 500 cals but that's not so scary.  I'll cope.


Finally got my son's appointment through from the hospital for his hernia repair surgery which is really good, very very pleased about that.


I have to say though that my mood swings are becoming extreme right now.  One minute I'm loving life and all smiles and laughter, the next minute I'm so down I just want to curl up in bed and shut the world out.  I've decided that Friday and Saturday I'm going to do a water fast.  Need to lose this weight so badly that I feel physically sick every time I look in the mirror.  Yuck.


Anyway, if anyone wants to find me on FB, my name is Ana Kat.  


Much love.


AK xoxo

Yet another gain

I am useless.  And that is putting it mildly.


Today I have restricted well after having put on another pound and am back up to 148.  This is not good.


Took some pictures of myself yesterday and I was genuinely horrified by how much fat is clinging onto my body.  I hate it so much.


Today I've had 2 slices of wholemeal toast with 2 grams of light margarine - 123 cals.
3 cups of coffee with 50 mls of skimmed milk and 2 sweetener tabs - 63.9 cals.
2 satsumas - 40 cals.
Total so far - 226.9 cals.


I'm determined to see that dial go down.  


:)


AK xoxo

Surprise surprise

I've put 1 lb on.... and am now back up to 147 lbs.  Dammnit!!!


I was doing good all day, and by dinner time I'd had a grand total of 197.8 cals. Which is really good.

Then as Sunday is the day we sit and have a family meal together, I'd cooked a chicken pie with mashed potatoes and carrots.  Then I found out after eating a 1/4 of the pie that that is 347 cals!  Fuck me sideways!  All my hard work gone undone in a matter of minutes.


Ah well, I won't be buying that again.  Today is a new day etcetera etcetera.


Gonna try to keep everything as low as possible today.  I need it right now.


Hope you all had more successful days than I did.


AK xoxo

Really really pissed off.  This is just a rant and in no way ana related so skip this if you wish.


He's such a fucking moaner!  Honestly, all I'd done was forget to wash the dishes, nothing major and he had a go at me and made me feel so small.  I'm half tempted to tell him to shove it up his self righteous ass but I'm too nice for my own good.


I know I'm shit at housekeeping, God knows I've enough people in my life who point it out at every fucking available opportunity.  Fuckers.


Am so so angry.  I honestly don't want to be in his company right now.


If this continues I'll make him single quicker than he can say I love you.


Watch this irate space.


AK xoxo

I didn't do well yesterday.  Well I did until dinner time, then I binged.  I had a doughnut, 2 smartie cookies and a packet of crisps.  All in the space of 20 minutes.  Shocking!


Luckily I haven't gained today, am still at 146 lbs.  Going to be starting the ABC diet again soon with an ana friend I found on FB.  I think it will spur me on to know I'm not doing it alone. 


AK xoxo

Sorry

Sorry for the rant last night.  I feel like such an idiot.   I don't know why I was so  emotional, maybe it was the wine.  Either way I'm sorry.


Anyway, today is a new day :)


I'm down to 146 lbs so all is well there.  


Today is the day I become a serious author.  I want nothing more than to write a book and have it published.  So I'm going to have to take this seriously.  No more writing a bit and fucking about.  I need to write at least 2 quality pages a day in order to have any hope of finishing it before February.  Once the manuscript is done I can send it to prospective literary agents.  


Today I'm going to keep my cal intake as low as possible and keep focused.  Lots of coffee will help I think :)  


I'll put the kettle on.


Much love,


AK xoxo

Someone I care about a great deal has gotten married.  :/

Whilst I'm really happy for him I can't help but feel a terrible twinge of envy and jealousy in equal measure.

I feel so silly, but I really thought that one day we might be together, but now he's with this stick thin gorgeous blonde.

I'm so fat it sickens me. He's so beautiful and he doesn't even know it, he's super talented and just an incredible person all round. 

FUCK.

I shouldn't feel this way, I have a devoted partner who loves me for who I am.  But I just feel like I'm spiralling.  

Bring on the alcohol...I wanna drown the world out, just for a day.  Act like nothing exists and I can drift away into oblivion.

I haven't felt this low in a while.  I know I need to keep writing, my book won't finish itself.  I just don't have the willpower.  I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear for a while.

::hangs head and sighs::

Fuck.

AK xoxo

Name Change

I've changed my name on here.  Mainly because my family and friends are becoming a bit suspicious of my eating habits, so I'm making more of an effort to throw them off the trail.  Hope nobody minds.


Weight loss is finally going well and my new scales are excellent.  I've lost another 3 lbs and am down to 147 lbs.  Happy days.


Today's ABC + 300 limit is 800 cals again, though I don't think I'll eat that much.


I'm finding blogging to be somewhat soothing and calming.  Like I can just be myself and no-one will judge me.  It's so tranquil :)




Going to start writing again.  I've always dreamed of being an author but I get so far into my writing then change direction and start something new.


Hmmm....


Anyways, time for lunch.  


Skipped breakfast today.  This is becoming a regular thing.  :)  Very empowering.


AK xoxo

Laxatives :/

Okay, I feel I should say this because using laxatives for weight loss is pretty controversial and has caused one of my favourite commenters a bit of concern to know I used them.


So here's the details:


*I have never used them before.
*I took the exact recommended dose of 1 tablet before bedtime.
*I took the tablet with water as stated in the leaflet.
*I read the entire leaflet to make myself familiar with the product and what side effects may occur.
*I took them because I have been constipated for 5 days and it was really giving me tummy ache.
*The fact that I binged did have a miniscule bearing on me taking them yesterday but in fairness I had been putting off buying them for a few days and after binging the tummy ache worsened to a point where I couldn't stand up straight.  So it seemed as good a time as any to go and get the laxatives.
*The ones I bought were Dulcolax, and are available without prescription in the medicine section of supermarkets as well as in pharmacies.
*Taking them wasn't a pleasant experience.  They made my tummy ache all night long, disturbed my sleeping pattern and made me feel queasy.  I felt like I need to use the bathroom every 10 minutes and when I went nothing happened.
*I finally got relief this morning, and while it eased the constipated tummy ache I'd had, it gave me a whole different kind of tummy ache and now I just feel very sick.


The only upside to the entire experience was that the scales said I'd lost 2 lbs this morning, so am down to 150 lbs (10st 10lbs).  But that loss was overshadowed by the exhaustion and how sick I feel so meh.  I know I didn't earn that loss, and I'm not remotely proud to have achieved it at all.


Am I happy that I lost weight?  Of course I am.  Am I happy with the way in which I lost it?  Not at all.


I don't plan on making such an unpleasant experience a regular thing, at the end of the day I have a child to care for and I'm no use to him if I'm sick.


That said, today's cal limit is 200.  Though I'm debating on following the ABC + 300 diet that a girl on Pretty Thin came up with.  Whatever the cal intake is on the ABC diet, simply add another 300 cals to make the diet more bearable, and you'll still achieve weight loss, not weight gain.


I think that the ABC + 300 diet is more suited to me as I can't allow myself to let my child see me skipping meals because I've run out of cal intake for the day.  That's just no good for his psyche.  So that way I can still eat with him and not cause him undue concern.  Besides, I can always skip meals while he's at school :)  I'm on my own usually at lunch time.


Okay, so I'll post the details for the ABC + 300 diet later.  I may have days where I stick to the original ABC diet or the new ABC + 300 diet, whichever it is I'll let you know, I think it all depends on whether I'm losing or gaining over the last few days or if I think one intake is sufficient or if the other is too high in cals.  We'll see.


So back to Day One.  If I remember correctly the limit for today is 500 cals on the original diet, so would be  800 on the new diet.  I'll see how I go, right now I don't feel like eating much at all.


GSK xoxo

Quickie update before I go to bed.


Went to Argos and bought some new scales...at last.  My Father's ones are a tad unreliable sometimes, telling me one minute I'm 153lbs and then I step off and step back on again and I'm 152 lbs :/  All very weird.


Also, went to Boots and bought some Dulcolax laxatives.  Just taken one as it says to take one before bed and it will work overnight ready for the morning so I'll see how that goes.  


Must get back on track tomorrow.  Mother is coming at 10am so I might have time for a quick workout before she arrives, then off grocery shopping so will be walking around a lot.  Fingers crossed this bloody weight will start shifting, it's going so slowly right now.  At least it's coming off I suppose.


Anyway, goodnight my angels.  It's bedtime here in the UK :)


GSK xoxo

I've binged again.  Not a huge binge, but I had reached my 100 cals for the day and then ended up eating 2 double chocolate cookies, a couple of sweets and half a ham sandwich my son left.  Ugh.


Feel bloated and terrible now.  I purged a little but it made me so upset that I had to stop.  The only way I'm going to get rid of all this unnecessary food in my fat stomach is to go and buy laxatives.  For the first time by the way.  And I really hope they work.  I am so cross with myself.


Stupid stupid ugly fat wench!  Fucking argh!!!!


GSK xoxo

ABC Diet Day Five

152 lbs exactly (10 st 12). Not bad, a 3lb loss in 4 days, that's pretty good I reckon.  Still could do with buying some new scales though, might nip up to Argos later :)


Today is Day Five of the ABC diet, and the allowance is 100 cals.  I went a tiny bit over the 400 cals yesterday unknowingly, as my Father gave me a biscuit that I thought was a rich tea (pretty low in cals) and it turned out to be a Mcvities Light Digestive which was 67 cals!  ::shocked::


So I ended up going 23 cals over the 400 but I'm not beating myself up about it, it was a genuine mistake.


Anyway, today's intake of 100 cals was tough to plan for but here's what I came up with...


Breakfast - Black Coffee - 0 cals.


Lunch - Salad with a bit of grilled chicken breast - 47 cals.


Dinner - Salad with 2 slices of cooked ham - 51 cals.


Total for the day - 98 cals.


I will drink plenty of water inbetween meals so as to keep myself hydrated and feeling fuller.


Wish me luck.


GSK xoxo

Demotivated and grumpy

152.6 lbs.  Ugh.


Feeling upset and demotivated right now.  My end of module assignment for my Open University course is due in today and I haven't done it.  Why? Because I've become so obsessed with food and eating that I forgot all about it.


Not to worry though, I've been disappointed in my achievements on the course anyway.  I wrote to the highest standard that I know and only just scraped passes on all my assignments.  I wrote like I did when I was in college, where I got A and B grades, and then I attempted this long distance correspondence course and was just getting 62% on everything, whereas in college those assignments would have been 98% worthy.


I suppose you live and learn.  Oh the irony.  Going to email my 'tutor' in a bit and let him know I'm withdrawing from the course.  I'm just not university material, I see that now.  Who needs a degree anyway?  This was a beginners module as well for goodness sake and I can't even do that!


Ah well,onward and upward.


Yesterday went well.  I stayed at exactly 300 cals and not a bite more, which I am super proud of.


Managed to avoid having lunch with the staff :)  This pleased me no end.


The trip was lovely, if not muddy and wet lol.  But all that walking around the woods with the children and restricting to 300 cals didn't even get me a decent loss.  How shit is that?


Well, today is a 400 cal allowance so I'm sure this will be easy as I usually try to have between 400 and 500 cals a day anyway :)


Will fit a workout in this morning and then have a very light lunch before heading off to work.  Mother is picking me up from work and then I'm off to collect my son from school.  Happy busy 'no time to think about food so much' day.  ::smiles::


GSK xoxo

Scales say 152.8 lbs today so not a decent loss but still a loss none-the-less.


Today's calorie intake allowance is 300 cals.  This is going to be tricky, I know it is,and I know I say that a lot but today I'm helping out on my son's school trip and have to eat a packed lunch with the staff :/  Eep.


Am searching the cupboards for anything low cal for me to take to eat.  Will take bottled water as that is 0 cals.  My sandwich would be 144 cals, unless I used 1 slice of bread in which case it would be *counts* 79 cals providing I don't put margarine on.  That's not too bad.  A mini box of raisins is 41 cals so that takes the total up to 120 cals.  Then a packet of weight watchers bacon crisps is 82 cals...that takes me to 202 cals.  Not bad at all.  Had to have a slice of brown bread toast with 1 gram of light margarine for breakfast as I was feeling very light headed, so that is 61.5 cals.  Add that to lunch and the total is 263.5.


Not bad, just hope my small lunch doesn't raise too many eyebrows.


GSK xoxo

Quick update on the day so far as BF is in the kitchen washing the dishes.

Managed to stay under 500 cals all day.

Skipped breakfast, had just a black coffee.

Had some turkey ham on 2 slices of brown bread with 2 grams of light margarine for lunch - 144 cals.

2 cans of diet pepsi- 2 cals.

Made sausage casserole for tea and had only a small portion - 302 cals.

Total for the day - 448 cals.

Not too shabby.  Bit tired now,can't wait for bed time.

GSK xoxo

Weird night, Good Morning

Firstly let me explain why my night was weird.  


After I went to bed I headed into the PrettyThin chatroom for a bit and met some lovely and interesting people.  I would recommend it if you just need someone to talk to and there's no-one around you who knows what you're going through.  It's quite reassuring to not feel so alone and to be able to vent your feelings and frustrations with like-minded people.


Anyway.....


I managed to go to sleep and then a couple of hours later I woke up and couldn't settle again.  My body hurt from head to toe and I was shivering with the cold.  I didn't know if it was just my muscle condition playing up or a result of my restricting for the last week and a half taking it's toll on my body.  Regardless I stayed in bed and tried to get back to sleep.  Then all my thought patterns changed.  I don't know if it was due to exhaustion as I was really very tired, but I thought to myself if it is my control over food that is making my body hurt in this way then I should just quit now and find another way to cope with my weight.  But then I started to feel physically sick at the thought of going back to my old eating habits.  That feeling alone disturbed me for a good hour or so.  I couldn't even conceive of going back to the way I was and it made me feel very tearful and emotional.  The thought that I couldn't bring myself to 'recover' even if I tried to and wanted to really upset me.


Why have I done this to myself?  I genuinely feel heartbroken.  But the idea, the mere notion of going back to consuming over 500 cals a day makes me shake and feel nauseous.  I feel like such a fool and like there is fuck all I can do about it now,and it's all my own fault.  I'll have to learn to deal with this in my own way and hope that a) I don't lose control and b) I recognise when it's time to ask for help.


That said, I managed to get some sleep eventually and then my alarm went off for me to get up and my head was giddy with the thought of stepping on the scales after my successful day yesterday.


153 lbs!  I've lost 2 lbs in just one day!  That is amazing!


Just goes to show if you have the willpower you can do anything and the world is your oyster as they say.


Sometimes you just have to say shit happens, but the grass is greener on the other side.


Thin is beautiful.


Day Two of the ABC diet commences today.  Intake allowance - 500 cals.


This may be a tricky day as it's Sunday and my bf stays for dinner.  I will remain strong, I promise.


GSK xoxo

Just a quick update....

Day One of the ABC diet has gone splendidly.  Very pleased indeed.  

Finished my Davina workout and got ready to go out.  Went to my friend's housewarming party and she'd laid out quite the spread.  There was quiche, sandwiches, bread sticks, crisps, tuna and sweetcorn pasta with mayo, nuts, and various sweet things such as biscuits and chocolates.

And do you know what I ate?

NOTHING!  I managed to successfully avoid the lot of it by circulating, and pretending that I'd eaten something when I was in the other room.  No one was aware that I was lying through my teeth, and you know something....it felt amazing.  I was so skilled and deceitful that I couldn't believe I'd gotten away with it.  

I made sure I always had a drink in my hand, and I stayed on calorie free black coffee.  Marvelous. 

Today's limit was 500 cals.  

Breakfast - 2 slices of brown bread toast with 2 grams of light margarine - 123 cals.

1 cup of tea with 50 mls semi skimmed milk and 2 sweetener tabs - 28.8 cals.

Lunch - Sweet salad with 100g cherry tomatoes and 40 grams of turkey ham - 73 cals.

Bottle of water - 0 cals.

Housewarming party - 4 black coffees - 0 cals ::grins::

Dinner - 20 grams of turkey ham on 2 slices of brown bread with 2 grams of light margarine and 100 grams of sliced cherry tomatoes - 161 cals.

Going to have a Muller Light Fat Free yoghurt for supper,so add on another 95 cals.

Total for the day - 480.8 cals.   Fab!  Stayed under the limit and did a workout today.  Should definitely have achieved a loss tomorrow :)

Hope the rest of you are having a good day.

GSK xoxo

ABC Diet

Having done a fair bit of research today on the Ana Boot Camp Diet (ABC Diet) I've decided I'm going to do it.  Or at least try to.  Life is always throwing me some curve balls but I will try to avoid them where possible.


Here is the diet plan...it seems pretty extreme, but I want results instead of a plateau ...


Day One - 500 cals
Day Two - 500 cals
Day Three - 300 cals
Day Four - 400 cals
Day Five - 100 cals
Day Six - 200 cals
Day Seven - 300 cals
Day Eight - 400 cals
Day Nine - 500 cals
Day Ten - Fast
Day Eleven - 150 cals
Day Twelve - 200 cals
Day Thirteen - 400 cals
Day Fourteen - 350 cals
Day Fifteen - 250 cals
Day Sixteen - 200 cals
Day Seventeen - Fast
Day Eighteen - 200 cals
Day Nineteen - 100 cals
Day Twenty - Fast
Day Twenty One - 300 cals
Day Twenty Two - 250 cals
Day Twenty Three - 200 cals
Day Twenty Four - 150 cals
Day Twenty Five - 100 cals
Day Twenty Six - 50 cals
Day Twenty Seven - 100 cals
Day Twenty Eight - 200 cals
Day Twenty Nine - 200 cals
Day Thirty - 300 cals
Day Thirty One - 800 cals
Day Thirty Two - Fast
Day Thirty Three - 250 cals
Day Thirty Four - 350 cals
Day Thirty Five - 450 cals
Day Thirty Six - Fast
Day Thirty Seven - 500 cals
Day Thirty Eight - 450 cals
Day Thirty Nine - 400 cals
Day Forty - 350 cals
Day Forty One - 300 cals
Day Forty Two - 250 cals
Day Forty Three - 200 cals
Day Forty Four - 200 cals
Day Forty Five - 250 cals
Day Forty Six - 200 cals
Day Forty Seven - 300 cals
Day Forty Eight - 200 cals
Day Forty Nine - 150 cals
Day Fifty - Fast.


So there you have it.  I'm hoping to lose at least 20 lbs with this.  I will blog here about my journey and any feelings/emotions on the way.  Be prepared for some rants lol.


GSK xoxo

Silverchair - Ana's Song Lyrics

Please die, Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
And sharpened nails seem softer
And I need you now, somehow
And I need you now, somehow


Open fire
On my needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire
On my knees desires
What I need from you


Imagine pageant
In my head
The flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the film
And I need you now, somehow
And I need you now, somehow



Open fire
On my needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire
On my knees desires
What I need from you


And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an anorexia life



Open fire
On my needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire
On my knees desires
What I need from you


Open fire
On my knees desire


Open fire
On my needs designed
On my knees for you

No surprises there then

I've gained a pound and am back up to 155.  ::groan::  I expected it would be more if I'm honest, but still pissed off at myself.


I'm unsure as to whether I can avoid food entirely today as I'm off to a friends housewarming party and though she's dieting herself I think a lot of the food will be junk food, dripping in grease and marinades, with goodness knows how many calories hidden beneath.


I'm dreading it.  I already cancelled on her once this year, to be fair I was genuinely ill and was advised by a nurse to stay in bed and get some rest, so I did.  But I felt awful for letting her down.  


I suppose I could go for an hour, make an appearance as they say, and show my face.  I don't want to, I can't face it.  Not when I'm so disappointed in myself.


On the bright side I have no money, which means I'll have to walk the 2 miles there and 2 miles back, so at least I'll get some exercise.


But still, ugh.  When did I become so despondent and uninterested in everything.  Thoughts of food, calories, exercise and numbers on the scale fill every part of my mind.  It's obsessive, but I want to be thin so much it aches.  I want to look incredible by Christmas so that I don't feel like the fat one on the day.


My stomach is churning and I feel so cold right now.  I'm  wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa, and the tips of my fingers are like ice.


Time to put the heating on I think.


How ironic... Ana's Song by Silverchair is coming on Scuzz.  Lol.


GSK xoxo

I've binged...why the fuck did I go and do that for?  


I feel so sick and bloated and I just want to go upstairs, ram my fingers down my throat and purge the hell out of myself.


My stomach hurts to the point where I want to curl up in a ball and cry my guilt and pain away.


Was it worth it?  Not even in the slightest.  I hate myself.


I HATE MYSELF!!!!


GSK xoxo

Miracles

Evidently they do happen.


The scales told me that I've lost half a pound which brings me down to 154 lbs (11st) exactly.


3 stones to go (42 lbs), and whilst it is probably going to be some time until I achieve that goal of 8 st (112 lbs) I at least am a little nearer...


I keep getting distracted whilst writing this today.  I'm watching Scuzz TV and loads of my favourite bands keep coming on :)  Firstly the mighty Avenged Sevenfold, then KoRn and now Foo Fighters :)  What a wonderful start to the day.


Right where was I?  Ah yes...


My sleep pattern is becoming disturbed at the moment.  I keep waking up in the middle of the night and struggling to fall back to sleep.  :/  That's not pleasant when I have to be up early to get my son ready for school.  


But hey, this is the price of thin right?


... Ooh Faith No More ::grins inanely::


Okay, today I will be more focused.  I'm well aware that I say that every single day but I have to start upping the ante.  I felt the hollow in my neck this morning around my collarbone for the first time in ages and it thrilled me no end.  


Am searching online for a decent fat burning work out to do in the comfort of my own home.  I do love my Davina work out but I fancy a bit of variety.


Any suggestions would be most welcome.


GSK xoxo

Kittens are frickin' stronger than me!  Seriously.

Was doing good all day, only went over my 500 cals by 22 cals which, whilst it wasn't exactly good, it wasn't exactly terrible either.

Then I gave in to temptation.

Mother had persuaded me to buy some savoury pies for us for lunch, there were 4 in the bag.  We each had one for lunch and that's why I went slightly over my cals.  Not the end of the world right?  Wrong.

Mother went home after dinner and I went into the kitchen to get a drink, and there they were.  The ironically not-so-greasy bag with 2 pies in staring at me on the kitchen counter.

Before I knew what I was doing I had eaten one of them.  The other one is still sitting in the bag on the counter.

After I'd eaten it all I could hear was Ana laughing.  It was torture.  'You'll regret it in the morning you weak stupid girl' she taunted.  And she's right, after all, she knows what she's talking about.

The temptation to purge and relieve myself of this guilty burden is overwhelming.  I musn't.  I shouldn't.  

You know what?  I'm not going to purge.  I deserve to gain weight.  Maybe it will teach me a lesson.  Hunger pangs fade, temptation eventually becomes easier to resist, but the desire to be thinner and thinner will never diminish.

There is light at the end of my tunnel still, and though it is far in the distance yet, it is most definitely there.

I hope anyone reading this had a more successful day than me.

GSK xoxo

NB:  End of day calorie count was 824.  I disgust myself.  Tomorrow I will do better Ana, I promise.

Lost half a pound and am down to 154.5.  Better than a gain I guess.  


Yesterday I did go slightly over my 500 cals, only by 39 cals, but that's still not good enough.


At dinner time the hunger was driving me mad and I wanted to ransack the cupboards to satisfy it.  But then a voice who I suspect is the lovely Ana herself said 'But honestly, is it worth it?  You'll be complaining tomorrow if you have a gain and I'll be sat here laughing and saying I told you so.'  So I shut the cupboard and had a diet pepsi.


After a while the hunger actually felt good and I felt powerful for it.  I'm still in control and that's what counts.


Also, I think I may need to buy some new scales.  The ones I have seem thoroughly unreliable, like they were when I joined Slimming World, but they're all I have right now.  I do wonder whether when I get some new scales the weight I have lost might be more.  And that's a bag full of motivation right there.


I spent last night searching the internet for lovely dresses to wear on Christmas Day.  The thin ladies modelling the clothes on the websites spurred me on even more.  I can't wait to be that thin.

Today I've had a new treat for breakfast, Kingsmill Apple Filled Pancakes.  I only had one but they are yummy and at 113 cals per pancake (yes I only had one) they're lower in cals that 2 slices of toast with light margarine, so happy days.


I'm sure today will be a better day...or will it?  It's Thursday, which means grocery shopping with Mother.  And lunch with her.  Hmmm....


Must stay strong, my willpower is strong.  And so am I!


GSK xoxo