Laxatives :/

Okay, I feel I should say this because using laxatives for weight loss is pretty controversial and has caused one of my favourite commenters a bit of concern to know I used them.


So here's the details:


*I have never used them before.
*I took the exact recommended dose of 1 tablet before bedtime.
*I took the tablet with water as stated in the leaflet.
*I read the entire leaflet to make myself familiar with the product and what side effects may occur.
*I took them because I have been constipated for 5 days and it was really giving me tummy ache.
*The fact that I binged did have a miniscule bearing on me taking them yesterday but in fairness I had been putting off buying them for a few days and after binging the tummy ache worsened to a point where I couldn't stand up straight.  So it seemed as good a time as any to go and get the laxatives.
*The ones I bought were Dulcolax, and are available without prescription in the medicine section of supermarkets as well as in pharmacies.
*Taking them wasn't a pleasant experience.  They made my tummy ache all night long, disturbed my sleeping pattern and made me feel queasy.  I felt like I need to use the bathroom every 10 minutes and when I went nothing happened.
*I finally got relief this morning, and while it eased the constipated tummy ache I'd had, it gave me a whole different kind of tummy ache and now I just feel very sick.


The only upside to the entire experience was that the scales said I'd lost 2 lbs this morning, so am down to 150 lbs (10st 10lbs).  But that loss was overshadowed by the exhaustion and how sick I feel so meh.  I know I didn't earn that loss, and I'm not remotely proud to have achieved it at all.


Am I happy that I lost weight?  Of course I am.  Am I happy with the way in which I lost it?  Not at all.


I don't plan on making such an unpleasant experience a regular thing, at the end of the day I have a child to care for and I'm no use to him if I'm sick.


That said, today's cal limit is 200.  Though I'm debating on following the ABC + 300 diet that a girl on Pretty Thin came up with.  Whatever the cal intake is on the ABC diet, simply add another 300 cals to make the diet more bearable, and you'll still achieve weight loss, not weight gain.


I think that the ABC + 300 diet is more suited to me as I can't allow myself to let my child see me skipping meals because I've run out of cal intake for the day.  That's just no good for his psyche.  So that way I can still eat with him and not cause him undue concern.  Besides, I can always skip meals while he's at school :)  I'm on my own usually at lunch time.


Okay, so I'll post the details for the ABC + 300 diet later.  I may have days where I stick to the original ABC diet or the new ABC + 300 diet, whichever it is I'll let you know, I think it all depends on whether I'm losing or gaining over the last few days or if I think one intake is sufficient or if the other is too high in cals.  We'll see.


So back to Day One.  If I remember correctly the limit for today is 500 cals on the original diet, so would be  800 on the new diet.  I'll see how I go, right now I don't feel like eating much at all.


GSK xoxo

Quickie update before I go to bed.


Went to Argos and bought some new scales...at last.  My Father's ones are a tad unreliable sometimes, telling me one minute I'm 153lbs and then I step off and step back on again and I'm 152 lbs :/  All very weird.


Also, went to Boots and bought some Dulcolax laxatives.  Just taken one as it says to take one before bed and it will work overnight ready for the morning so I'll see how that goes.  


Must get back on track tomorrow.  Mother is coming at 10am so I might have time for a quick workout before she arrives, then off grocery shopping so will be walking around a lot.  Fingers crossed this bloody weight will start shifting, it's going so slowly right now.  At least it's coming off I suppose.


Anyway, goodnight my angels.  It's bedtime here in the UK :)


GSK xoxo

I've binged again.  Not a huge binge, but I had reached my 100 cals for the day and then ended up eating 2 double chocolate cookies, a couple of sweets and half a ham sandwich my son left.  Ugh.


Feel bloated and terrible now.  I purged a little but it made me so upset that I had to stop.  The only way I'm going to get rid of all this unnecessary food in my fat stomach is to go and buy laxatives.  For the first time by the way.  And I really hope they work.  I am so cross with myself.


Stupid stupid ugly fat wench!  Fucking argh!!!!


GSK xoxo

ABC Diet Day Five

152 lbs exactly (10 st 12). Not bad, a 3lb loss in 4 days, that's pretty good I reckon.  Still could do with buying some new scales though, might nip up to Argos later :)


Today is Day Five of the ABC diet, and the allowance is 100 cals.  I went a tiny bit over the 400 cals yesterday unknowingly, as my Father gave me a biscuit that I thought was a rich tea (pretty low in cals) and it turned out to be a Mcvities Light Digestive which was 67 cals!  ::shocked::


So I ended up going 23 cals over the 400 but I'm not beating myself up about it, it was a genuine mistake.


Anyway, today's intake of 100 cals was tough to plan for but here's what I came up with...


Breakfast - Black Coffee - 0 cals.


Lunch - Salad with a bit of grilled chicken breast - 47 cals.


Dinner - Salad with 2 slices of cooked ham - 51 cals.


Total for the day - 98 cals.


I will drink plenty of water inbetween meals so as to keep myself hydrated and feeling fuller.


Wish me luck.


GSK xoxo

Demotivated and grumpy

152.6 lbs.  Ugh.


Feeling upset and demotivated right now.  My end of module assignment for my Open University course is due in today and I haven't done it.  Why? Because I've become so obsessed with food and eating that I forgot all about it.


Not to worry though, I've been disappointed in my achievements on the course anyway.  I wrote to the highest standard that I know and only just scraped passes on all my assignments.  I wrote like I did when I was in college, where I got A and B grades, and then I attempted this long distance correspondence course and was just getting 62% on everything, whereas in college those assignments would have been 98% worthy.


I suppose you live and learn.  Oh the irony.  Going to email my 'tutor' in a bit and let him know I'm withdrawing from the course.  I'm just not university material, I see that now.  Who needs a degree anyway?  This was a beginners module as well for goodness sake and I can't even do that!


Ah well,onward and upward.


Yesterday went well.  I stayed at exactly 300 cals and not a bite more, which I am super proud of.


Managed to avoid having lunch with the staff :)  This pleased me no end.


The trip was lovely, if not muddy and wet lol.  But all that walking around the woods with the children and restricting to 300 cals didn't even get me a decent loss.  How shit is that?


Well, today is a 400 cal allowance so I'm sure this will be easy as I usually try to have between 400 and 500 cals a day anyway :)


Will fit a workout in this morning and then have a very light lunch before heading off to work.  Mother is picking me up from work and then I'm off to collect my son from school.  Happy busy 'no time to think about food so much' day.  ::smiles::


GSK xoxo

Scales say 152.8 lbs today so not a decent loss but still a loss none-the-less.


Today's calorie intake allowance is 300 cals.  This is going to be tricky, I know it is,and I know I say that a lot but today I'm helping out on my son's school trip and have to eat a packed lunch with the staff :/  Eep.


Am searching the cupboards for anything low cal for me to take to eat.  Will take bottled water as that is 0 cals.  My sandwich would be 144 cals, unless I used 1 slice of bread in which case it would be *counts* 79 cals providing I don't put margarine on.  That's not too bad.  A mini box of raisins is 41 cals so that takes the total up to 120 cals.  Then a packet of weight watchers bacon crisps is 82 cals...that takes me to 202 cals.  Not bad at all.  Had to have a slice of brown bread toast with 1 gram of light margarine for breakfast as I was feeling very light headed, so that is 61.5 cals.  Add that to lunch and the total is 263.5.


Not bad, just hope my small lunch doesn't raise too many eyebrows.


GSK xoxo

Quick update on the day so far as BF is in the kitchen washing the dishes.

Managed to stay under 500 cals all day.

Skipped breakfast, had just a black coffee.

Had some turkey ham on 2 slices of brown bread with 2 grams of light margarine for lunch - 144 cals.

2 cans of diet pepsi- 2 cals.

Made sausage casserole for tea and had only a small portion - 302 cals.

Total for the day - 448 cals.

Not too shabby.  Bit tired now,can't wait for bed time.

GSK xoxo

Weird night, Good Morning

Firstly let me explain why my night was weird.  


After I went to bed I headed into the PrettyThin chatroom for a bit and met some lovely and interesting people.  I would recommend it if you just need someone to talk to and there's no-one around you who knows what you're going through.  It's quite reassuring to not feel so alone and to be able to vent your feelings and frustrations with like-minded people.


Anyway.....


I managed to go to sleep and then a couple of hours later I woke up and couldn't settle again.  My body hurt from head to toe and I was shivering with the cold.  I didn't know if it was just my muscle condition playing up or a result of my restricting for the last week and a half taking it's toll on my body.  Regardless I stayed in bed and tried to get back to sleep.  Then all my thought patterns changed.  I don't know if it was due to exhaustion as I was really very tired, but I thought to myself if it is my control over food that is making my body hurt in this way then I should just quit now and find another way to cope with my weight.  But then I started to feel physically sick at the thought of going back to my old eating habits.  That feeling alone disturbed me for a good hour or so.  I couldn't even conceive of going back to the way I was and it made me feel very tearful and emotional.  The thought that I couldn't bring myself to 'recover' even if I tried to and wanted to really upset me.


Why have I done this to myself?  I genuinely feel heartbroken.  But the idea, the mere notion of going back to consuming over 500 cals a day makes me shake and feel nauseous.  I feel like such a fool and like there is fuck all I can do about it now,and it's all my own fault.  I'll have to learn to deal with this in my own way and hope that a) I don't lose control and b) I recognise when it's time to ask for help.


That said, I managed to get some sleep eventually and then my alarm went off for me to get up and my head was giddy with the thought of stepping on the scales after my successful day yesterday.


153 lbs!  I've lost 2 lbs in just one day!  That is amazing!


Just goes to show if you have the willpower you can do anything and the world is your oyster as they say.


Sometimes you just have to say shit happens, but the grass is greener on the other side.


Thin is beautiful.


Day Two of the ABC diet commences today.  Intake allowance - 500 cals.


This may be a tricky day as it's Sunday and my bf stays for dinner.  I will remain strong, I promise.


GSK xoxo

Just a quick update....

Day One of the ABC diet has gone splendidly.  Very pleased indeed.  

Finished my Davina workout and got ready to go out.  Went to my friend's housewarming party and she'd laid out quite the spread.  There was quiche, sandwiches, bread sticks, crisps, tuna and sweetcorn pasta with mayo, nuts, and various sweet things such as biscuits and chocolates.

And do you know what I ate?

NOTHING!  I managed to successfully avoid the lot of it by circulating, and pretending that I'd eaten something when I was in the other room.  No one was aware that I was lying through my teeth, and you know something....it felt amazing.  I was so skilled and deceitful that I couldn't believe I'd gotten away with it.  

I made sure I always had a drink in my hand, and I stayed on calorie free black coffee.  Marvelous. 

Today's limit was 500 cals.  

Breakfast - 2 slices of brown bread toast with 2 grams of light margarine - 123 cals.

1 cup of tea with 50 mls semi skimmed milk and 2 sweetener tabs - 28.8 cals.

Lunch - Sweet salad with 100g cherry tomatoes and 40 grams of turkey ham - 73 cals.

Bottle of water - 0 cals.

Housewarming party - 4 black coffees - 0 cals ::grins::

Dinner - 20 grams of turkey ham on 2 slices of brown bread with 2 grams of light margarine and 100 grams of sliced cherry tomatoes - 161 cals.

Going to have a Muller Light Fat Free yoghurt for supper,so add on another 95 cals.

Total for the day - 480.8 cals.   Fab!  Stayed under the limit and did a workout today.  Should definitely have achieved a loss tomorrow :)

Hope the rest of you are having a good day.

GSK xoxo

ABC Diet

Having done a fair bit of research today on the Ana Boot Camp Diet (ABC Diet) I've decided I'm going to do it.  Or at least try to.  Life is always throwing me some curve balls but I will try to avoid them where possible.


Here is the diet plan...it seems pretty extreme, but I want results instead of a plateau ...


Day One - 500 cals
Day Two - 500 cals
Day Three - 300 cals
Day Four - 400 cals
Day Five - 100 cals
Day Six - 200 cals
Day Seven - 300 cals
Day Eight - 400 cals
Day Nine - 500 cals
Day Ten - Fast
Day Eleven - 150 cals
Day Twelve - 200 cals
Day Thirteen - 400 cals
Day Fourteen - 350 cals
Day Fifteen - 250 cals
Day Sixteen - 200 cals
Day Seventeen - Fast
Day Eighteen - 200 cals
Day Nineteen - 100 cals
Day Twenty - Fast
Day Twenty One - 300 cals
Day Twenty Two - 250 cals
Day Twenty Three - 200 cals
Day Twenty Four - 150 cals
Day Twenty Five - 100 cals
Day Twenty Six - 50 cals
Day Twenty Seven - 100 cals
Day Twenty Eight - 200 cals
Day Twenty Nine - 200 cals
Day Thirty - 300 cals
Day Thirty One - 800 cals
Day Thirty Two - Fast
Day Thirty Three - 250 cals
Day Thirty Four - 350 cals
Day Thirty Five - 450 cals
Day Thirty Six - Fast
Day Thirty Seven - 500 cals
Day Thirty Eight - 450 cals
Day Thirty Nine - 400 cals
Day Forty - 350 cals
Day Forty One - 300 cals
Day Forty Two - 250 cals
Day Forty Three - 200 cals
Day Forty Four - 200 cals
Day Forty Five - 250 cals
Day Forty Six - 200 cals
Day Forty Seven - 300 cals
Day Forty Eight - 200 cals
Day Forty Nine - 150 cals
Day Fifty - Fast.


So there you have it.  I'm hoping to lose at least 20 lbs with this.  I will blog here about my journey and any feelings/emotions on the way.  Be prepared for some rants lol.


GSK xoxo

Silverchair - Ana's Song Lyrics

Please die, Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
And sharpened nails seem softer
And I need you now, somehow
And I need you now, somehow


Open fire
On my needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire
On my knees desires
What I need from you


Imagine pageant
In my head
The flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the film
And I need you now, somehow
And I need you now, somehow



Open fire
On my needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire
On my knees desires
What I need from you


And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an anorexia life



Open fire
On my needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire
On my knees desires
What I need from you


Open fire
On my knees desire


Open fire
On my needs designed
On my knees for you

No surprises there then

I've gained a pound and am back up to 155.  ::groan::  I expected it would be more if I'm honest, but still pissed off at myself.


I'm unsure as to whether I can avoid food entirely today as I'm off to a friends housewarming party and though she's dieting herself I think a lot of the food will be junk food, dripping in grease and marinades, with goodness knows how many calories hidden beneath.


I'm dreading it.  I already cancelled on her once this year, to be fair I was genuinely ill and was advised by a nurse to stay in bed and get some rest, so I did.  But I felt awful for letting her down.  


I suppose I could go for an hour, make an appearance as they say, and show my face.  I don't want to, I can't face it.  Not when I'm so disappointed in myself.


On the bright side I have no money, which means I'll have to walk the 2 miles there and 2 miles back, so at least I'll get some exercise.


But still, ugh.  When did I become so despondent and uninterested in everything.  Thoughts of food, calories, exercise and numbers on the scale fill every part of my mind.  It's obsessive, but I want to be thin so much it aches.  I want to look incredible by Christmas so that I don't feel like the fat one on the day.


My stomach is churning and I feel so cold right now.  I'm  wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa, and the tips of my fingers are like ice.


Time to put the heating on I think.


How ironic... Ana's Song by Silverchair is coming on Scuzz.  Lol.


GSK xoxo

I've binged...why the fuck did I go and do that for?  


I feel so sick and bloated and I just want to go upstairs, ram my fingers down my throat and purge the hell out of myself.


My stomach hurts to the point where I want to curl up in a ball and cry my guilt and pain away.


Was it worth it?  Not even in the slightest.  I hate myself.


I HATE MYSELF!!!!


GSK xoxo

Miracles

Evidently they do happen.


The scales told me that I've lost half a pound which brings me down to 154 lbs (11st) exactly.


3 stones to go (42 lbs), and whilst it is probably going to be some time until I achieve that goal of 8 st (112 lbs) I at least am a little nearer...


I keep getting distracted whilst writing this today.  I'm watching Scuzz TV and loads of my favourite bands keep coming on :)  Firstly the mighty Avenged Sevenfold, then KoRn and now Foo Fighters :)  What a wonderful start to the day.


Right where was I?  Ah yes...


My sleep pattern is becoming disturbed at the moment.  I keep waking up in the middle of the night and struggling to fall back to sleep.  :/  That's not pleasant when I have to be up early to get my son ready for school.  


But hey, this is the price of thin right?


... Ooh Faith No More ::grins inanely::


Okay, today I will be more focused.  I'm well aware that I say that every single day but I have to start upping the ante.  I felt the hollow in my neck this morning around my collarbone for the first time in ages and it thrilled me no end.  


Am searching online for a decent fat burning work out to do in the comfort of my own home.  I do love my Davina work out but I fancy a bit of variety.


Any suggestions would be most welcome.


GSK xoxo

Kittens are frickin' stronger than me!  Seriously.

Was doing good all day, only went over my 500 cals by 22 cals which, whilst it wasn't exactly good, it wasn't exactly terrible either.

Then I gave in to temptation.

Mother had persuaded me to buy some savoury pies for us for lunch, there were 4 in the bag.  We each had one for lunch and that's why I went slightly over my cals.  Not the end of the world right?  Wrong.

Mother went home after dinner and I went into the kitchen to get a drink, and there they were.  The ironically not-so-greasy bag with 2 pies in staring at me on the kitchen counter.

Before I knew what I was doing I had eaten one of them.  The other one is still sitting in the bag on the counter.

After I'd eaten it all I could hear was Ana laughing.  It was torture.  'You'll regret it in the morning you weak stupid girl' she taunted.  And she's right, after all, she knows what she's talking about.

The temptation to purge and relieve myself of this guilty burden is overwhelming.  I musn't.  I shouldn't.  

You know what?  I'm not going to purge.  I deserve to gain weight.  Maybe it will teach me a lesson.  Hunger pangs fade, temptation eventually becomes easier to resist, but the desire to be thinner and thinner will never diminish.

There is light at the end of my tunnel still, and though it is far in the distance yet, it is most definitely there.

I hope anyone reading this had a more successful day than me.

GSK xoxo

NB:  End of day calorie count was 824.  I disgust myself.  Tomorrow I will do better Ana, I promise.

Lost half a pound and am down to 154.5.  Better than a gain I guess.  


Yesterday I did go slightly over my 500 cals, only by 39 cals, but that's still not good enough.


At dinner time the hunger was driving me mad and I wanted to ransack the cupboards to satisfy it.  But then a voice who I suspect is the lovely Ana herself said 'But honestly, is it worth it?  You'll be complaining tomorrow if you have a gain and I'll be sat here laughing and saying I told you so.'  So I shut the cupboard and had a diet pepsi.


After a while the hunger actually felt good and I felt powerful for it.  I'm still in control and that's what counts.


Also, I think I may need to buy some new scales.  The ones I have seem thoroughly unreliable, like they were when I joined Slimming World, but they're all I have right now.  I do wonder whether when I get some new scales the weight I have lost might be more.  And that's a bag full of motivation right there.


I spent last night searching the internet for lovely dresses to wear on Christmas Day.  The thin ladies modelling the clothes on the websites spurred me on even more.  I can't wait to be that thin.

Today I've had a new treat for breakfast, Kingsmill Apple Filled Pancakes.  I only had one but they are yummy and at 113 cals per pancake (yes I only had one) they're lower in cals that 2 slices of toast with light margarine, so happy days.


I'm sure today will be a better day...or will it?  It's Thursday, which means grocery shopping with Mother.  And lunch with her.  Hmmm....


Must stay strong, my willpower is strong.  And so am I!


GSK xoxo

I've lost a pound and am finally down to 155 lbs.  Whilst I'm happy that I've lost something, I seem to be really struggling to shift this weight.  Normally it would be so easy.  What the hell is happening to my body?


Surely it's not comfortable carrying all this fat, I'm trying to make the burden it bears lighter.


Time to restrict restrict restrict!  No more than 500 cals per day.  I will not be this fat.


GSK xoxo

No joy with the juice fast again.  Stayed with it until dinner time and then I went so light headed in the kitchen that I nearly collapsed.  Then I remembered something.


My doctor had told me a few weeks ago that my blood pressure is unusually low and that I need to eat to keep myself from collapsing as the low BP can cause me to go light headed and dizzy, so not to add anything else to the list that may cause me to drop.


That could very well mean no fasting at all, purely for health reasons.  Damnnit!


I can't stand the idea of staying this size, I sicken myself on a daily basis.  Fuck I hate this.  I get myself into the right frame of mind and then everything gets stacked against me.  As per.


I would honestly hate myself if I collapsed in front of my son.  He's 5.  God, just imagine how traumatic that would be for him.  I love him more than anything else in the entire world and I won't screw up his life or distort his view on things just because I'm screwed up.  Trying to keep things normal for him while my mind races thinking about how I can avoid this or that, or find a lower cal option, or consume less....its exhausting.


I feel like gagging when I'm making dinners for him, but at the end of the day his health is my priority.
Gosh, things have gotten so hard and I'm feeling so low, like I've hit rock bottom right now.  I lay on the sofa this afternoon while he was at school and I was watching a film with Sarah Michelle Gellar in.  Looking at her so thin and radiant was inspirational.  She has a gorgeous body.  Shame I think she could do with a bag on her head but such is life.  One persons beauty is another's ugliness.


Despondent and hopeless I'm going to head to bed.


GSK xoxo

Another Day, Another Maintain

Am still 156 lbs.  And after the nightmare day of yesterday I am eternally grateful!


I've refocused my mind and have stuck to the liquid fast so far (I'm aware I said yesterday I was doing a juice fast and I am, but I can't start the day without a cup of tea, it's my little pick me up that I can't give up).


Breakfast consisted of a cup of tea with 2 sweetener tabs and 50 mls semi skimmed milk - 28.8 cals and a 200ml glass of 100% (got it right this time) Pure Tropical Fruit Juice (Tropicana) - 94 cals.


Good good good :)


I plan to avoid changes to my day at all costs today so I can see this fast through to the end.  I really hope I get a loss tomorrow.  Just the sight of food repulsed me this morning.  Now that is something that hasn't happened in quite some time.


I relish this mindset.  It makes me feel stronger and more in control.  I love it.


GSK xoxo

Well so much for the frickin' liquid fast.  And I started out with such good intentions as well.


Then the day intervened.  ::groan::


I was doing well, had my vitamin water and my cup of tea as planned (123.8 cals) and all was okay.  Took my son to school, came home and poured myself a glass of apple, raspberry and pomegranate juice.


Then my Father called me, asking me if I could nip to his house and help him to send some photographs to my Brother that he took at his wedding via email.  Sigh.  Finished my juice and went round there only to find that he'd made me a bacon sandwich as a thank you for helping him.  I said to him that I would have done it for nothing but no, he shoved the 284 cal sandwich at me saying he insisted.  Fuck fuck fuck!  Seeing no way out I ate the damn sandwich, and I felt sick as anything with every bite.  There goes my fucking liquid fast.  So pissed off!


Got back home and wanted to purge.  I haven't purged since I had nausea in my pregnancy but couldn't throw up so I had to make myself sick to feel better.  Went into the bathroom but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. What a frickin' wuss!


The rest of the day went downhill from there because I lacked willpower or the urge to give a fuck.  I wouldn't say I binge ate, but I certainly ate like a hippo.  I ended up having another cup of the juice, 2 cups of tea, 3 Quirks biscuits, and a packet of Ryvita Salt And Vinegar Mini's.  Holy crap I'm a waste of oxygen.  That came to 973.4 cals.


Oh plus a bowl of Special K Honey Nut Clusters, 45grams with 100mls of semi skimmed milk - 284 cals.


Total for the day is an unacceptable 1257.4 cals.  Sick fuck!


Also on a side note, the juice I bought turned out to be mostly crap and made from concentrate.  I thought it seemed high in cals for a glass, at 119.  Went to the supermarket and bought some 100% Tropical Fruit Juice for tomorrow.  Juice fast here I come.  Just juice, and water if I'm really thirsty.  Very angry at myself.  Worse that I've been in a long while.  Stupid fat heiffer that I am!


Goodnight my skinnier than moi readers, this gal needs some beauty sleep.


GSK xoxo

Bring on the fluids! ::smile::

Well the scales say I've maintained this morning. 156 lbs.

In a way I'm grateful that I escaped a gain. I totally expected a gain but a maintain after the day I had yesterday is most welcome.

But my seeming lack of commitment to reaching my UGW makes me so mad at myself. I was doing so well when I started out, losing 4.5 lbs in just 3 days and then a half pound gain and a maintain. That's just not acceptable.

So today I'm going to stick to the liquid fast I've set myself. God knows that right now I need it. I have been avoiding the mirror for a few days and decided to take a look last night after my bath to see if my body had changed at all.

But alas, the same fat belly, thunder thighs, double chin, bingo wings and bottom the size of a small country wobbled back at me. So utterly disgusting.

My BF bought my outfit for Halloween yesterday and the largest size they had was a size 10 - 12 (US size 6 - 8) and since I'm currently a size 14 (US size 10) it is welcome motivation to hit my goals.

I think that in order to fit into the dress I'm going to have to shift at least 20 lbs before 31st October. Motivate away :D

Okay time for breakfast. A cup of tea with 50 mls semi skimmed milk with 2 sweetener tabs - 28.8 cals and a VitaminWater - 95 cals. Yum yum yum.

GSK xoxo

Okay all, this is just a quickie update because my BF is upstairs washing our son.

Today hasn't gone TOO bad, but still not necessarily good either.

BF went taking our son swimming and I managed to fit a Davina high impact aerobics workout in, which according to Livestrong.com burned off 160 cals.

They came home and my BF made himself and our son a sandwich and I was just sat there with my Diet Pepsi. He kept looking over at me so in the end I made myself a low fat cheese slice sandwich using 1 slice of white bread and 1 gram of light margarine. Total - 153.5 cals. So not worth it.

After that my son looked crestfallen when he offered me a Jaffa Cake and I declined, so I ate it to please him. Tack on another 45 cals. Oh dear.

Went shopping and managed to get some juice for my liquid fast tomorrow :)

Also found some Ryvita Snack Packs (Salt And Vinegar flavour) which are 75 cals a bag. Fab low cal snacking stuff. Had a pack of them to see if they were nice, and they actually aren't bad. Add those 75 cals. I'm on a slippery slope here.

Anyway for tea my BF cooked turkey breast steak, with homemade roast potatoes and baked beans. It tasted lovely and, again according to Livestrong.com, came to 517 cals. Haven't done all that bad then but still wish I'd done better.

Total cals for the day - 937.3. Feeling like a fat fat fat cow now and my tummy aches.

If I have a loss tomorrow it will be a miracle. Looking forward to my liquid fast even more now. Might even make it a 2 day affair. We shall see. Everything depends on the morning number on the scales.

GSK xoxo

Ugh...

I've put on half a pound this morning...

I'm so disappointed, after all, I did manage to stay sub 500 cals all day, with the final amount of cals consumed being 402 cals.

I know half a pound may not seem a lot and I can easily work that off, but in my heart of hearts I know I deserved that gain. I was stupid to eat that pastry, really fucking stupid. I knew it was laden with butter in the pastry, and the chicken and bacon in creamy sauce must have been dripping with crap and calories. And I gobbled it down like the fat pig that I am. Ugh.

Well, a new day, a new start. Time to get back on the thin-wagon.

I'm going to struggle to stay below 1000 cals today as my BF is cooking dinner, and with just me, him and my son sitting at the table to eat it's going to be difficult to avoid eating whatever he makes me. But I have to look at this obstacle objectively. The only two meals I am obliged to eat to avoid my family having 'the talk about dieting', are lunch with Mother on Thursdays and dinner with my son and BF on Sunday. That still leaves me plenty opportunities on the other days to restrict/fast. ::smile::

For breakfast today I had 1 slice of white bread toast with 2 grams of light margarine - 77 cals.

And 1 cup of tea with 2 sweetener tabs and 50 mls of semi skimmed milk - 28.8 cals. Followed by a small box of raisins - 41 cals.

Total cals so far - 146.8. Not too bad. I may be able to avoid lunch as my BF is taking my son swimming. Will try to fit in a Davina workout while they're gone in an effort to shift that half a pound.

I will be thin, no matter what. And I am really looking forward to my first liquid fast tomorrow :)

GSK xoxo

Happy 1st of October :) xoxo

Oh I do love Autumn. I know it's been Autumn for a while now but October is when it really starts for me. And with the countdown to Christmas already begun I think it's time that I set myself some goals to aim for with my weight in order to keep me focused. I do think focus is the key to success. If you become unfocused it's easy to spiral out of control, and then the depression sets in which makes everything harder.

Okay, I'm going to set myself an UGW (Ultimate Goal Weight) and IGW (Interim Goal Weights). If I try to aim too far I'm going to struggle so the IGW's will keep me on the right path, like little target post-it notes reminding me not only how far I have to go but as I achieve each one it will remind me how far I've come.

So, my UGW is 112 lbs (8 st). Although this may change to a lower figure in time, who knows. But for now I think that's realistic.

My IGW's are going to come down in 10's as follows:

IGW 1 - 150 lbs.

IGW 2 - 140 lbs.

IGW 3 - 130 lbs.

IGW 4 - 120 lbs.

Then it will just be a case of aiming for the UGW.

According to the scales I've lost another pound. Slow and steady I suppose though if I'm being honest I was hoping for more than that after yesterdays stellar effort and low calorie intake, plus all the exercise I got whilst painting the stairs ::groan::

Still, down from 160lbs to 155.5 lbs in 3 days is good. But it could definitely be better. 4.5 lbs lost is favourable to 4.5 lbs gained.

Today I was planning to fast, but under the watchful eyes of my BF I don't think that will be a) possible and b) a wise move. If he knew that I was going to start fasting I think he'd freak out. I wouldn't, but he definitely would.

That said then, I'm planning to have my first fast day on Monday. My son is at school and BF is at work so I am alone most of the day which will make things easier and keep what I'm doing under the radar. When my son comes home from school I can say I only had a late lunch so not particularly hungry yet,and when my BF comes over I can just tell him that I've already eaten and hopefully neither will be any the wiser.

Woah, when did I become so cunning and deceptive? That's really not like me. I kind of typed that paragraph without much conscious thought. I don't lie to people. But I think I may have to in order to avoid their worrying. I don't like the idea of people worrying about me.

However, on the other hand I can't stay at this weight any longer. And the amount of weight I've managed to lose in a short space of time by simply restricting and counting my calorie intake is alluring and addictive. If I keep this up it is possible I can hit my UGW by Christmas... And that definitely perks me up and motivates me to keep going no matter what.

Today I must not be coerced into consuming more than 500 cals. I know my BF will probably offer McDonald's for lunch and that will tempt me so much as my former binge eating self will scream for sustinance, but I MUST NOT BE TEMPTED.

I've skipped breakfast and am just going to have a green tea. Will drink plenty of water between now and lunch so that if BF does indeed offer takeaway I'll be quite full and thus it will be easier to resist the temptation.

Wish me luck.

GSK xoxo