When do friends suddenly become ignorant fuckers? Okay, I confided in a long-term friend today about my disorder and she was a little bit supportive so I opened up to her and you know what her fucking response was? Well why don't you go back to Slimming World?! WTF?! Send someone with an eating disorder to a dieting club. How backwards is that? Like I need more persuasion to obsess about my weight and food intake. Her reasoning was that I could still eat loads of food and lose the weight healthily.
Eat loads of food? That thought terrifies me to such a point that I feel sick. I explained to her that until I can change the way I view food that going to Slimming World would cause me untold levels of anxiety. At the moment everything I eat has a calorific intake and I'm so obsessed with those numbers that even if they told me I could eat unlimited amounts of pasta/rice/meat etc I would still add it all up, measure and weigh it, and still not eat over my calorie limit. And then she changed her FB status to 'Now that I've finished my complaint break, time to get on with things.'
Is that how the entire world sees it all? That's the second time that comment has been made in my direction and it makes me so angry. How dare they judge me? Yes I have issues, and yes I'm seeking help but that's enough to label me as complaining? You're screwed if you don't and screwed if you do so it seems.
I am so beyond upset. I am numb. That's my Mother and a so called friend of mine in the last 2 weeks. I am so much better off alone. 'Friends' just complicates the whole thing. From this point onwards I tell no-one else and if they guess then that's up to them. I really don't give a fuck.
Tuesday 14 February 2012
Monday 13 February 2012
Just want to say a quick hello to everyone reading this. It means a lot to me to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do :)
Not much has happened since my last post really. I got a phone call from a lady at the Willows ED Services who wanted to book me in for my first therapy appointment on Thursday 16th Feb. Will let you know how I get on with that. Am very apprehensive about it all.
My disorder is worsening, there's no denying that. I was talking to my BF about it last night. Over the past few days I've started getting the urge to make myself sick. This disturbs me a bit. So far I haven't but it seems like when I eat something, a few mouthfuls in my stomach tightens as if my body is telling me I've had enough and then afterwards I have the most intense feeling of nausea. All I can think about then is making myself sick so I can feel some sort of relief.
I wonder if I did it once to get the relief I need whether I would be able to stop or whether I would be setting myself off on a slippery slope?
Has anyone else experienced this? I would really appreciate some advice. In the meantime I continue to feel sick and uncomfortable.
Time to take my mind off it all. Time for a workout.
Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?
Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
Day twenty: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
Not much has happened since my last post really. I got a phone call from a lady at the Willows ED Services who wanted to book me in for my first therapy appointment on Thursday 16th Feb. Will let you know how I get on with that. Am very apprehensive about it all.
My disorder is worsening, there's no denying that. I was talking to my BF about it last night. Over the past few days I've started getting the urge to make myself sick. This disturbs me a bit. So far I haven't but it seems like when I eat something, a few mouthfuls in my stomach tightens as if my body is telling me I've had enough and then afterwards I have the most intense feeling of nausea. All I can think about then is making myself sick so I can feel some sort of relief.
I wonder if I did it once to get the relief I need whether I would be able to stop or whether I would be setting myself off on a slippery slope?
Has anyone else experienced this? I would really appreciate some advice. In the meantime I continue to feel sick and uncomfortable.
Time to take my mind off it all. Time for a workout.
Week three!
Weekly challenge: Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren’t going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!
Weekly challenge: Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren’t going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!
Day fifteen: What is your favourite kind of exercise?
Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?
Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
Day twenty: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
15. My favourite exercise is aerobics and zumba. They both make my adrenaline rush and make me feel great.
16. I'm ashamed to say yes, most often at the moment.
17. I've never been called fat but I was called skinny quite a lot before I was pregnant.
18. I don't have to eat anything I don't want to. I choose to eat with my family but if I don't want to I don't plan on offering them an explanation. They are against my dieting and not remotely supportive of me with my disorder so there you have it. I am mostly alone.
19. Yeah, a few times I've said I'm not feeling well to avoid eating and I've also said I only had meals later than I had.
20. I do binge, at the moment it seems like every other day. My main trigger is being alone in the house. I'm more in control if there are people here.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Thursday 9 February 2012
What a day, RANT!!!
Today's weight = 146. Disappointing but deserved after last night's antics. Ridiculous. Ah well, need to put it behind me and focus on moving on.
The nurse was asking me how my issues started so she could try to understand why the ECG had been requested as there were no notes on the system. Next thing I know she's telling the nurse that she must have an ED too because she checks the labels on foods and doesn't always eat right. I honestly felt like screaming. Why is everything always about her?! It's me that has the fucking issues, she is diabetic, that's why she has to check the fucking labels. And it just got worse from there. 'Well it all started when she went to Slimming World last year, she lost a lot of weight in a short space of time and then she's never been able to cope since.' Like I'm a sodding child. Fuck off Mother. Honestly, it pisses me off. It's like she's trying to be supportive but only on her terms. Balls to that, that's not the kind of support I need. I need support on my terms and screw everyone else. It isn't about them. I'm just going to have to cut them out of my life gradually. Making me think it's all in my head and there's nothing wrong with me is hardly being supportive is it? If anything it is likely to make me worse and I can do without that.
Had my bloods done today as requested by Pauline, will get the results on Wednesday. Also had my ECG done this afternoon. What a fucking nightmare. Made the HUGE mistake of taking my Mother with me to the appointment. As always, she managed to turn it all around so it was about her. My appointment, my ECG, her issues? I'm fairly sure that's not what is supposed to happen.
The nurse was asking me how my issues started so she could try to understand why the ECG had been requested as there were no notes on the system. Next thing I know she's telling the nurse that she must have an ED too because she checks the labels on foods and doesn't always eat right. I honestly felt like screaming. Why is everything always about her?! It's me that has the fucking issues, she is diabetic, that's why she has to check the fucking labels. And it just got worse from there. 'Well it all started when she went to Slimming World last year, she lost a lot of weight in a short space of time and then she's never been able to cope since.' Like I'm a sodding child. Fuck off Mother. Honestly, it pisses me off. It's like she's trying to be supportive but only on her terms. Balls to that, that's not the kind of support I need. I need support on my terms and screw everyone else. It isn't about them. I'm just going to have to cut them out of my life gradually. Making me think it's all in my head and there's nothing wrong with me is hardly being supportive is it? If anything it is likely to make me worse and I can do without that.
Last week when we were going grocery shopping I was telling her I'd received the letter from Pauline and I would appreciate it if she would read it when we got back. Then she said (and I fucking quote) "I know you're complaining about yourself but I think *** may have an eating disorder you know."
Now I'm well aware that *** (my step-sis) hardly eats and is stick thin, trust me it hasn't gone unnoticed and I'm equally concerned for her as I love her to bits. But that's not what bothered me. Complaining? Is that what me reaching out to her seems like? I need a support network who can help me through all this crap and that's how she views everything?
Everything seems so fucked up and difficult. The only person who doesn't push me and offers support when I ask for it is my BF. My Father thinks there's nothing wrong with me and that the professionals are wrong. My Mother also seems to be taking that stance though she won't openly say it and belittles me when I talk about it all to her, so why bother.
Clearly I need people like my BF in my life, and ironically my family are not so supportive of me after all. Like I'm more hassle than I'm worth.
Perhaps they're right. Best not to let them be involved in it any more. If they ask how it's all going then I'll be as limitedly honest as I can get away with. Well after all, there's nothing wrong with me right? Precisely.
Consumed around 1000 cals today. Not been bothered to count which isn't like me at all but it's just been one of those days where I wish I hadn't got the fuck out of bed. Finger's crossed tomorrow will be better. Let's face it, it can't be any worse can it?
Much love,
AK xoxo
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Self Loathing
I really really hate myself right now. Binged myself stupid and now the self loathing is setting in. It starts by me feeling sick over what I've eaten, then I hate myself for being weak, then I can think of nothing but ridding myself of it all, then ultimately I sit feeling the deepest loathing for myself and refusing to purge because I DESERVE to gain weight. Fat fucking ugly fuck!
I feel sick and stupid. Only idiots put themselves through all this crap.
Anyway time for bed before I do something stupid. Glad I feel ill, might be able to fast tomorrow. Fuck knows I need it. Stupid weak pitiful bitch.
I feel sick and stupid. Only idiots put themselves through all this crap.
Anyway time for bed before I do something stupid. Glad I feel ill, might be able to fast tomorrow. Fuck knows I need it. Stupid weak pitiful bitch.
Tuesday 7 February 2012
Disappointment
So gutted.
My scales have been incorrect and admitting it was hard because I liked what they said. But when I went seeing the therapist last month she weighed me and I was 149lbs, whereas on my scales in the morning I was 141lbs and I'd only had a black coffee before I went to the appointment. I naively said 'well her scales are wrong'. But then Mother came and weighed herself on my scales she said 'Ooh, I like your scales hon, they say I'm half a stone lighter'.
Eventually the penny dropped and yesterday I went to buy some new scales (which I paid a lot for), some WeightWatcher's Precision Scales. The sad thing is that both Mother's scales and Pauline's scales were accurate all along.
This means however that I'm fatter than I thought and after I thought I was doing so so well it's all been shot to shit and I'm upset and disheartened.
Morning weight = 145lbs. FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!!!!!!
Had some breakfast for the first time in ages with my son. It felt awful and so wrong that I was so slow eating it. I'm beginning to feel like a crazy person. This isn't how things should be, and I do see that in some ways but I can't picture doing anything differently now. I've got 33lbs to lose to get to my UGW of 112lbs. I will lose it, I promise. Not sure who I'm making this promise to really but it's out there anyway.
Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?
Not as such, no. Maybe I should, and it might make things easier. But a cheat day for me would signal a loss of control and I can't let that happen. Because once I start eating I fear I won't stop and that thought alone puts me off.
I'm debating on having another go at the ABC diet....I don't know. I'd like to get at least into the 2nd week before bottling out. I've looked at the results people have had with this diet and it shows that it works. And I need to drop this weight, it's making me unhappy beyond all possible measure.
May start it tomorrow. Last time I got to day 5 and stumbled into a frenzied binge and screwed it all up.
Must get beyond Day 5. Must get beyond it.
Much love,
AK xoxo
My scales have been incorrect and admitting it was hard because I liked what they said. But when I went seeing the therapist last month she weighed me and I was 149lbs, whereas on my scales in the morning I was 141lbs and I'd only had a black coffee before I went to the appointment. I naively said 'well her scales are wrong'. But then Mother came and weighed herself on my scales she said 'Ooh, I like your scales hon, they say I'm half a stone lighter'.
Eventually the penny dropped and yesterday I went to buy some new scales (which I paid a lot for), some WeightWatcher's Precision Scales. The sad thing is that both Mother's scales and Pauline's scales were accurate all along.
This means however that I'm fatter than I thought and after I thought I was doing so so well it's all been shot to shit and I'm upset and disheartened.
Morning weight = 145lbs. FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!!!!!!
Had some breakfast for the first time in ages with my son. It felt awful and so wrong that I was so slow eating it. I'm beginning to feel like a crazy person. This isn't how things should be, and I do see that in some ways but I can't picture doing anything differently now. I've got 33lbs to lose to get to my UGW of 112lbs. I will lose it, I promise. Not sure who I'm making this promise to really but it's out there anyway.
Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?
Not as such, no. Maybe I should, and it might make things easier. But a cheat day for me would signal a loss of control and I can't let that happen. Because once I start eating I fear I won't stop and that thought alone puts me off.
I'm debating on having another go at the ABC diet....I don't know. I'd like to get at least into the 2nd week before bottling out. I've looked at the results people have had with this diet and it shows that it works. And I need to drop this weight, it's making me unhappy beyond all possible measure.
May start it tomorrow. Last time I got to day 5 and stumbled into a frenzied binge and screwed it all up.
Must get beyond Day 5. Must get beyond it.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Monday 6 February 2012
Trying To Be Normal
Life is becoming increasingly hard. I've always tried to keep things as normal as possible for my son so he doesn't develop issues with food like I have. But I can't keep doing it, and I'm slipping. It's getting increasingly difficult to eat with him though I am trying to. At the end of the day I'm disordered, and the way I look at food isn't normal and I just have to try to get on with it and hope it doesn't affect him too much.
Today's weight = 137lbs. Not too bad but I can't wait to reach 130.
Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?
Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?
Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
10. No I don't usually, but on the odd occasions that I do I'll have 2 slices of Weightwatcher's toast with a thin spread of extra light philadelphia.
11. My family's eating habits are all over the place really. There's no set meal times, just eat when you're hungry. No sign of structure.
12. My friends, for the most part, eat really well I think, though a few are overweight/obese and one is really underweight for her height.
13. My friends don't tempt me to eat anything really, they'll suggest somewhere to go and it kinda goes to a vote so it's not usually too bad. But lately we've been organising things in advance so it gives me a chance to scope out some 'healthy' venues such as Starbucks :D
Much love,
AK xoxo
Today's weight = 137lbs. Not too bad but I can't wait to reach 130.
Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?
Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?
Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
10. No I don't usually, but on the odd occasions that I do I'll have 2 slices of Weightwatcher's toast with a thin spread of extra light philadelphia.
11. My family's eating habits are all over the place really. There's no set meal times, just eat when you're hungry. No sign of structure.
12. My friends, for the most part, eat really well I think, though a few are overweight/obese and one is really underweight for her height.
13. My friends don't tempt me to eat anything really, they'll suggest somewhere to go and it kinda goes to a vote so it's not usually too bad. But lately we've been organising things in advance so it gives me a chance to scope out some 'healthy' venues such as Starbucks :D
Much love,
AK xoxo
Thursday 2 February 2012
A Welcome Maintain And Hair Dye Disaster?
Weight = 138lbs. Again. Which is good considering I binged last night. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach when I went to bed knowing that all the junk I'd just stuffed into my face was going to fester in my insides. But I've managed by some miracle not to gain. Good times.
Also I had a slight hair dye mishap so the hat has been dusted off and firmly shoved on my bonce for the next 2 weeks, never to be removed lol. I'd dyed it red a while back and my roots were showing pretty bad, like about 2 inches (terrible I know), so I decided to dye it blonde. I used a pre-lightener cream first which stripped most of the red away and then I put the blonde dye on...my hair is now a blondey ginger colour :-O Not exactly what I had in mind, but it says that I can't put another dye on for 2 weeks. Oh dear lol. Ah well, at least it's an even colour and not patchy heh.
Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.
My favourite food has to be all bread products. I love them all, and though I know technically they're not unhealthy I do reduce how much I eat of them as they are usually pretty high in cals. But what can I say? I love crumpets, english muffins, croissants, bread, barmcakes/rolls, pitta breads, naan breads, tortilla wraps. You name it. I love the lot. Shame I can't eat the lot but never mind.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Also I had a slight hair dye mishap so the hat has been dusted off and firmly shoved on my bonce for the next 2 weeks, never to be removed lol. I'd dyed it red a while back and my roots were showing pretty bad, like about 2 inches (terrible I know), so I decided to dye it blonde. I used a pre-lightener cream first which stripped most of the red away and then I put the blonde dye on...my hair is now a blondey ginger colour :-O Not exactly what I had in mind, but it says that I can't put another dye on for 2 weeks. Oh dear lol. Ah well, at least it's an even colour and not patchy heh.
Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.
My favourite food has to be all bread products. I love them all, and though I know technically they're not unhealthy I do reduce how much I eat of them as they are usually pretty high in cals. But what can I say? I love crumpets, english muffins, croissants, bread, barmcakes/rolls, pitta breads, naan breads, tortilla wraps. You name it. I love the lot. Shame I can't eat the lot but never mind.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Wednesday 1 February 2012
Frustrated, again
Today's weight = 138lbs, AGAIN. And I didn't eat any junk all day and I stayed roughly within limit yesterday.
Fasted my way through breakfast and lunch then had dinner with my son. Beans and sausage (208 cals), 2 slices of toast (100 cals) = 308 cals.
As an evening snack I had some microwaveable veggies with salt and pepper butter (154 cals) and a WeightWatcher's dessert (62 cals) = 216 cals.
Total for the day = 524 cals. Deduct the fact that I was cleaning my kitchen, scrubbing the cupboards and doing the dishes etc plus the school run and walking to the doctors with my son, how the fuck have I maintained?! Please don't tell me I've hit a plateau. That would really piss me off.
Cals intake = 524.
Cals burned (according to Livestrong) = 1236.
What the hell is going on? Has my metabolism packed it's bags and vanished, never to be seen again?
God knows what I can do about it, fuck all I suppose. Just keep going the way I am and hope for the best.
Weekly challenge: Get organised! This week try to plan tomorrow’s meal the night before.
Fasted my way through breakfast and lunch then had dinner with my son. Beans and sausage (208 cals), 2 slices of toast (100 cals) = 308 cals.
As an evening snack I had some microwaveable veggies with salt and pepper butter (154 cals) and a WeightWatcher's dessert (62 cals) = 216 cals.
Total for the day = 524 cals. Deduct the fact that I was cleaning my kitchen, scrubbing the cupboards and doing the dishes etc plus the school run and walking to the doctors with my son, how the fuck have I maintained?! Please don't tell me I've hit a plateau. That would really piss me off.
Cals intake = 524.
Cals burned (according to Livestrong) = 1236.
What the hell is going on? Has my metabolism packed it's bags and vanished, never to be seen again?
God knows what I can do about it, fuck all I suppose. Just keep going the way I am and hope for the best.
Week Two!
If you broke your unhealthy habit for one week, congratulations! Why not try two weeks?
If you broke your unhealthy habit for one week, congratulations! Why not try two weeks?
Consider it done, I did miss chocolate a bit but nothing I can't live without.
Weekly challenge: Get organised! This week try to plan tomorrow’s meal the night before.
I'll certainly give it a try.
Day eight: Name 5 things you like about your body (you can do it) and the one body part you’d like to change the most.
I like my nails (they're always long and strong)
I like my hands (they're slim and smooth)
I like my collarbones (they look lovely now)
I like my breasts (not too big and not too small)
I like my (Gosh I'm struggling now) wrists (they are slim and one bears my sons name).
That was harder than I thought. Oh dear.
I'd like to change my thighs, they are huge and show no sign of slimming. I absolutely hate them.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Tuesday 31 January 2012
Official Diagnosis, Received Loud And Clear
Today's weight = 138lbs. I was 137lbs yesterday but I kinda stuffed my fat face until my cheeks swelled like a gerbil's and my jaw ached. I blame eBay for screwing me over when I was bidding on a brand new Radley bag causing me to lose. Ultimately I blame myself of course but you know, it's nice to know I had a helping hand.
My stomach aches today to a point where I feel sick, not sure what's going on. And, I am absolutely FREEZING! My fingers keep going numb and seizing up which isn't pleasant.
When I went seeing the CBT, Pauline, I signed up to receive a copy of all the letters sent to other health professionals regarding my disorder. At the time she said I was EDNOS but she thought I was leaning more towards the bulimia nervosa side of the spectrum and she would give me a full and proper diagnosis once she'd had more time to study my case notes.
My copy of the letter she has sent to my GP came today. It makes for sad reading. I didn't honestly think things were so bad but when you see them all pieced together like a jigsaw suddenly it all fits, and the big picture is grim. The truth is though that I still don't feel I'm doing anything wrong. I do however, need to purchase some more reliable scales I think as the ones she weighed me on said I was heavier than my ones at home. Time to go digital perhaps. Better start saving up. I also want to buy a HRM so I can get an idea of how many cals I burn throughout the day just doing my usual daily things like walking my son to school and tidying the house. Anyway, after much reading with utter disbelief, there it was. Three tiny words that mean something a lot bigger than I thought. Diagnosis: Bulimia Nervosa.
I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that I have a problem, because I don't see what I'm doing as anything any other dieter in the world is doing. Reading labels/packets, choosing my food carefully, avoiding junk food, and exercising. See, doesn't sound so bad when you put it like that. But if you put it how they do, it sounds ten times worse than it is:
'...will only eat what she herself prepares.'
'...she feels addicted to the loss on the scales and weighs herself each morning.'
'...a good day is sticking within her self-imposed calorie limits.'
Ah well. They can say what they like, doesn't mean I have to agree with it I suppose.
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Yes, both. Before my pregnancy I was 7st 6lbs (105lbs) which was classed as underweight for my height. Since my pregnancy I've been flitting between healthy and overweight and eventually was classed as obese at 12st 8lbs (176lbs).
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
Yes, I think so. I haven't hidden the fact that I dislike the weight I am.
Much love,
AK xoxo
My stomach aches today to a point where I feel sick, not sure what's going on. And, I am absolutely FREEZING! My fingers keep going numb and seizing up which isn't pleasant.
When I went seeing the CBT, Pauline, I signed up to receive a copy of all the letters sent to other health professionals regarding my disorder. At the time she said I was EDNOS but she thought I was leaning more towards the bulimia nervosa side of the spectrum and she would give me a full and proper diagnosis once she'd had more time to study my case notes.
My copy of the letter she has sent to my GP came today. It makes for sad reading. I didn't honestly think things were so bad but when you see them all pieced together like a jigsaw suddenly it all fits, and the big picture is grim. The truth is though that I still don't feel I'm doing anything wrong. I do however, need to purchase some more reliable scales I think as the ones she weighed me on said I was heavier than my ones at home. Time to go digital perhaps. Better start saving up. I also want to buy a HRM so I can get an idea of how many cals I burn throughout the day just doing my usual daily things like walking my son to school and tidying the house. Anyway, after much reading with utter disbelief, there it was. Three tiny words that mean something a lot bigger than I thought. Diagnosis: Bulimia Nervosa.
I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that I have a problem, because I don't see what I'm doing as anything any other dieter in the world is doing. Reading labels/packets, choosing my food carefully, avoiding junk food, and exercising. See, doesn't sound so bad when you put it like that. But if you put it how they do, it sounds ten times worse than it is:
'...will only eat what she herself prepares.'
'...she feels addicted to the loss on the scales and weighs herself each morning.'
'...a good day is sticking within her self-imposed calorie limits.'
Ah well. They can say what they like, doesn't mean I have to agree with it I suppose.
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Yes, both. Before my pregnancy I was 7st 6lbs (105lbs) which was classed as underweight for my height. Since my pregnancy I've been flitting between healthy and overweight and eventually was classed as obese at 12st 8lbs (176lbs).
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
Yes, I think so. I haven't hidden the fact that I dislike the weight I am.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Sunday 29 January 2012
Pain sucks
Looking at my blog stats on here today I should have just stayed away lol, I got more views. Haven't had a single one since I returned. Ah well, thank you to those that do read it. :)
Today's weight = 138lbs. Glad not to have gained because I got up this morning and Aunt Flo has arrived so I'm in pain and bloated and feel really sluggish. Fuck. Whilst I'm glad she's here in some respects I'm unhappy because I was finally doing well with my weight loss. That said, I'm going to fight and remain under 140lbs at all costs.
Brrrr I'm absolutely freezing. I have goosebumps and everything. The heating is on and I've got my dressing gown on and I still feel like I'm sitting in a draught.
Yesterday for lunch I had the same as the day before, 1 Crispbake, 4 veggie fingers and a bag of steamed veggies. Need to get some more veggie products today when I head to the supermarket. See what I can find that's nice. I like vegetables and stuff so why not try converting to a vegetarian lifestyle. Not committing wholly just now but it's something I'm going to look into.
At 7pm last night I got hungry and couldn't find my Tum's. Ended up eating 2 mini packets of chicken fridge raiders (114 cals) and a packet of Transform-a-snack crisps (100 cals). Ugh, not a huge binge but still junk I could have done without. Burned it all off though by doing 2 and half hours of ironing which burned 354 cals. Add the 60 minutes of ironing I did earlier that day which burned 142 cals and I was back on track, in fact I was lower than my 500 cal cap anyway. Happy days.
Today will be a slightly tricky day because my bf and son are here for lunch and dinner. Hmmm. If I skip breakfast and lunch (not sure how I'll get out of that one, may just say I'm not hungry because I had a late breakfast), then I can have dinner with them and not panic too much. I'm prepared to increase my calorie allowance for Sunday's to 700 cals. I think that's sufficient. Then tomorrow I'll be back down to 500. :) Yep yep yep.
All I can hope for really over the next week is to maintain or at the very least stay under 140lbs. After that it's no holds barred.
Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Not really, though I would like to look thinner on my son's birthday photographs in a few months. I just want to lost the weight for me so I can feel comfortable in my own skin.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Today's weight = 138lbs. Glad not to have gained because I got up this morning and Aunt Flo has arrived so I'm in pain and bloated and feel really sluggish. Fuck. Whilst I'm glad she's here in some respects I'm unhappy because I was finally doing well with my weight loss. That said, I'm going to fight and remain under 140lbs at all costs.
Brrrr I'm absolutely freezing. I have goosebumps and everything. The heating is on and I've got my dressing gown on and I still feel like I'm sitting in a draught.
Yesterday for lunch I had the same as the day before, 1 Crispbake, 4 veggie fingers and a bag of steamed veggies. Need to get some more veggie products today when I head to the supermarket. See what I can find that's nice. I like vegetables and stuff so why not try converting to a vegetarian lifestyle. Not committing wholly just now but it's something I'm going to look into.
At 7pm last night I got hungry and couldn't find my Tum's. Ended up eating 2 mini packets of chicken fridge raiders (114 cals) and a packet of Transform-a-snack crisps (100 cals). Ugh, not a huge binge but still junk I could have done without. Burned it all off though by doing 2 and half hours of ironing which burned 354 cals. Add the 60 minutes of ironing I did earlier that day which burned 142 cals and I was back on track, in fact I was lower than my 500 cal cap anyway. Happy days.
Today will be a slightly tricky day because my bf and son are here for lunch and dinner. Hmmm. If I skip breakfast and lunch (not sure how I'll get out of that one, may just say I'm not hungry because I had a late breakfast), then I can have dinner with them and not panic too much. I'm prepared to increase my calorie allowance for Sunday's to 700 cals. I think that's sufficient. Then tomorrow I'll be back down to 500. :) Yep yep yep.
All I can hope for really over the next week is to maintain or at the very least stay under 140lbs. After that it's no holds barred.
Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Not really, though I would like to look thinner on my son's birthday photographs in a few months. I just want to lost the weight for me so I can feel comfortable in my own skin.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Saturday 28 January 2012
Much better :)
FINALLY BACK IN THE 130's!!! So happy :)
Today's weight: 138lbs (9st 12lbs). Excellent.
Thank you to the wonderful angel who told me about Tum's helping to curb the hunger pains. They are a godsend.
Yesterday's lunch consisted of a Dalepak Crisp Bake (192 cals), 4 Birdseye Veggie Fingers (220 cals) and a bag of Birdseye Steamfresh Veggies (50 cals), with a slice of Weight Watcher's malt loaf for desert (68 cals). Total 530 cals.
Yes, I went slightly over my 500 allowance but not by much and I'm happy with that.
Went to the cinema last night watching Haywire. Had all of a small coke zero the entire night. :) I feel like I'm on top form and it's dizzying. Love it. And the best part is I'm learning my self discipline at long last. It's been a long time coming.
My bones ache though :/ I may have to mention that when I go to see my GP. At the moment I'm hoping to reach my IGW of 130lbs and then I can treat myself to a new outfit. That will keep me motivated, I never buy myself anything except essentials like Bridget Jones knickers :D *giggles*
Today will be equally productive, I'll make sure of it.
Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
I do work out. I have the Zumba DVD box set with the toning sticks so I do it every other day. One day I will do the cardio party and the next will be the sculpt and tone. When I'm not so engulfed in debt I'm going to fulfil my ambition of having a gym membership :)
Much love,
AK xoxo
Today's weight: 138lbs (9st 12lbs). Excellent.
Thank you to the wonderful angel who told me about Tum's helping to curb the hunger pains. They are a godsend.
Yesterday's lunch consisted of a Dalepak Crisp Bake (192 cals), 4 Birdseye Veggie Fingers (220 cals) and a bag of Birdseye Steamfresh Veggies (50 cals), with a slice of Weight Watcher's malt loaf for desert (68 cals). Total 530 cals.
Yes, I went slightly over my 500 allowance but not by much and I'm happy with that.
Went to the cinema last night watching Haywire. Had all of a small coke zero the entire night. :) I feel like I'm on top form and it's dizzying. Love it. And the best part is I'm learning my self discipline at long last. It's been a long time coming.
My bones ache though :/ I may have to mention that when I go to see my GP. At the moment I'm hoping to reach my IGW of 130lbs and then I can treat myself to a new outfit. That will keep me motivated, I never buy myself anything except essentials like Bridget Jones knickers :D *giggles*
Today will be equally productive, I'll make sure of it.
Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
I do work out. I have the Zumba DVD box set with the toning sticks so I do it every other day. One day I will do the cardio party and the next will be the sculpt and tone. When I'm not so engulfed in debt I'm going to fulfil my ambition of having a gym membership :)
Much love,
AK xoxo
Friday 27 January 2012
Going The Right Way
140lbs. Better than nothing I suppose, at least I didn't gain which is something. Will feel better when I'm back in the 130's.
I keep getting tight pains in my chest, almost as though someone is squeezing my heart and then letting go. But as with the hunger pains, they don't last and eventually fade.
My period is a no show again, was due on on the 21st but apart from a lot of bloating and discomfort coupled with occasional period pains it hasn't bothered showing up.
I stuck to the plan for yesterday. The only meal I had was lunch which consisted of a tin of Heinz vegetable soup and 2 slices of Kingsmill 50/50 Crusts Away bread for a total of 282 cals plus a packet of salt and vinegar McCoy's crisps afterwards for 165 cals. Grand total = 447 cals. Pretty good.
I have to say though, the hunger pains were intense this morning, but nothing a couple of Tums couldn't fix :) Along with a cup of tea with skimmed milk. It is difficult not to eat in front of my son because I don't want him to grow up to develop issues with food. But I'm sick of making excuses. My family don't think my issue is so bad because I cover it up so well. But there has to be a point where you think 'I genuinely don't want to eat and I'm sick of altering my life to please everybody else'. Which is something I feel I do a lot.
Do any of you feel that way? Like you're eating just to please others but ultimately making yourself miserable? Honestly, it's just ridiculous. I know I don't want to cause my family concern if I can avoid it, at the end of the day whatever it is I'm doing to myself is my issue not theirs, but naturally they will be concerned. It's how families react I think. But when you add up the amount of time spent eating for others it mounts up to a fair bit of food.
For example, for me, this is how I would usually eat to please people:
Monday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Tuesday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Wednesday = Eat however I please... no-one monitors me today.
Thursday = Fucking LOATHE Thursdays. Eat lunch with Mother and dinner with my son. Just horrible.
Friday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Saturday = Eat however I please...no-one monitors me today.
Sunday = Eat lunch and dinner with my bf and son. Ugh.
So you see I have a grand total of 2 days a week where I'm eating the way I choose without fear of people watching, taking notice, or commenting on my habits. Those 2 days are my blissful days, but by the same token they tend to also be my binge days BECAUSE there is nobody I have to please.
It's like a vicious cycle.
Would be nice to know I'm not alone on this in a way though I know most of you have incredible self control compared to me lol.
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
I do indeed count calories. And I can't in all honesty see a future without me doing so as I do it automatically now. It relieves my anxiety and keeps me calm knowing that what is in my home is food that I've allowed myself to play host to. My usual daily calorie allowance is 500 cals. Though I try to be strict with this I don't beat myself up too much if I go slightly over. At the end of the day we are suppose to have 2000 cals a day so I'm not overly anxious about it.
Much love,
AK xoxo
I keep getting tight pains in my chest, almost as though someone is squeezing my heart and then letting go. But as with the hunger pains, they don't last and eventually fade.
My period is a no show again, was due on on the 21st but apart from a lot of bloating and discomfort coupled with occasional period pains it hasn't bothered showing up.
I stuck to the plan for yesterday. The only meal I had was lunch which consisted of a tin of Heinz vegetable soup and 2 slices of Kingsmill 50/50 Crusts Away bread for a total of 282 cals plus a packet of salt and vinegar McCoy's crisps afterwards for 165 cals. Grand total = 447 cals. Pretty good.
I have to say though, the hunger pains were intense this morning, but nothing a couple of Tums couldn't fix :) Along with a cup of tea with skimmed milk. It is difficult not to eat in front of my son because I don't want him to grow up to develop issues with food. But I'm sick of making excuses. My family don't think my issue is so bad because I cover it up so well. But there has to be a point where you think 'I genuinely don't want to eat and I'm sick of altering my life to please everybody else'. Which is something I feel I do a lot.
Do any of you feel that way? Like you're eating just to please others but ultimately making yourself miserable? Honestly, it's just ridiculous. I know I don't want to cause my family concern if I can avoid it, at the end of the day whatever it is I'm doing to myself is my issue not theirs, but naturally they will be concerned. It's how families react I think. But when you add up the amount of time spent eating for others it mounts up to a fair bit of food.
For example, for me, this is how I would usually eat to please people:
Monday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Tuesday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Wednesday = Eat however I please... no-one monitors me today.
Thursday = Fucking LOATHE Thursdays. Eat lunch with Mother and dinner with my son. Just horrible.
Friday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Saturday = Eat however I please...no-one monitors me today.
Sunday = Eat lunch and dinner with my bf and son. Ugh.
So you see I have a grand total of 2 days a week where I'm eating the way I choose without fear of people watching, taking notice, or commenting on my habits. Those 2 days are my blissful days, but by the same token they tend to also be my binge days BECAUSE there is nobody I have to please.
It's like a vicious cycle.
Would be nice to know I'm not alone on this in a way though I know most of you have incredible self control compared to me lol.
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
I do indeed count calories. And I can't in all honesty see a future without me doing so as I do it automatically now. It relieves my anxiety and keeps me calm knowing that what is in my home is food that I've allowed myself to play host to. My usual daily calorie allowance is 500 cals. Though I try to be strict with this I don't beat myself up too much if I go slightly over. At the end of the day we are suppose to have 2000 cals a day so I'm not overly anxious about it.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Thursday 26 January 2012
Not impressed is an understatement
Weighed in this morning and I'm STILL 141 lbs! FML!!!
What more do I need to do?! Right, I need to rethink my eating plans. I know for a fact I stayed under 500 cals yesterday and I had a stomach bug and all the joys that brings. And yet I haven't lost even a lb?!
So so so annoyed right now. Really fed up. The upshot of all this is that it's strengthened my resolve.
I'm going to go down to one meal a day, one decent (but still under 500 cals) meal for lunch. The rest of the time it will be fasting, with only cups of tea/coffee/diet coke/water to drink. So basically here's how it will break down, obviously today isn't included because I won't have fasted for as long... :
Fast from 1pm - 12pm (23 hour fast)
Lunch (500 cals or less) (between 12 and 1 pm)
And repeat....
Fairly straightforward. And I'm determined to stick with it this time. I will not fuck things up again.
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest).
Time for a ridiculously honest answer. Being the weight I am now makes me miserable beyond words. And no matter how many people tell me that I'm a healthy weight for my height, I have flab and fat where I wish I didn't and the sight of it repulses me to a point where I've asked my bf to take the mirrors down in the house. So I guess what I'm saying is that I want to lose weight for me, so that I can look at myself without cringing.
Much love, AK xoxo
What more do I need to do?! Right, I need to rethink my eating plans. I know for a fact I stayed under 500 cals yesterday and I had a stomach bug and all the joys that brings. And yet I haven't lost even a lb?!
So so so annoyed right now. Really fed up. The upshot of all this is that it's strengthened my resolve.
I'm going to go down to one meal a day, one decent (but still under 500 cals) meal for lunch. The rest of the time it will be fasting, with only cups of tea/coffee/diet coke/water to drink. So basically here's how it will break down, obviously today isn't included because I won't have fasted for as long... :
Fast from 1pm - 12pm (23 hour fast)
Lunch (500 cals or less) (between 12 and 1 pm)
And repeat....
Fairly straightforward. And I'm determined to stick with it this time. I will not fuck things up again.
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest).
Time for a ridiculously honest answer. Being the weight I am now makes me miserable beyond words. And no matter how many people tell me that I'm a healthy weight for my height, I have flab and fat where I wish I didn't and the sight of it repulses me to a point where I've asked my bf to take the mirrors down in the house. So I guess what I'm saying is that I want to lose weight for me, so that I can look at myself without cringing.
Much love, AK xoxo
Wednesday 25 January 2012
Feeling slightly better now
Whatever this virus was it seems to be out of my system and I feel like I'm on the mend. Which I know is good but by the same token I'm a bit disappointed. But that's just my craziness talking :)
Barely eaten all day. Skipped breakfast and lunch, just had 2 cups of tea with skimmed milk (38 cals). Had some dinner because I was finally feeling a bit better and the hunger pains had turned up in droves. In fairness though I had fasted for 24 hours which is a miracle for me, that truly is a rarity and one I hope will soon turn into a regular occurrence. I'd had nothing to eat from 2.30pm yesterday and finally ate at 5.20pm today. Hurray for minor victories. Really hoping for a loss on the scales in the morning. All I had for dinner was a WeightWatcher's beef and vegetable hotpot kinda thing for 238 cals. Not too bad really. Pretty pleased with that.
Let's hope I can keep it up. No doubt I'll fuck things up tomorrow like I normally do. I need to learn how to discipline myself properly. That's one of the things I like about Buddhists (yes I'm still reading about them, not quite a convert yet but I don't think it will be far off, promoting inner calmness is something everyone should have and you don't worship a God), one of the things they attempt is to abstain from eating untimely meals (i.e snacking between meals and grazing throughout the day). Now that kinda disciplined thought pattern is something I would gladly grasp with both hands and never let it go.
Night angels,
AK xoxo
Barely eaten all day. Skipped breakfast and lunch, just had 2 cups of tea with skimmed milk (38 cals). Had some dinner because I was finally feeling a bit better and the hunger pains had turned up in droves. In fairness though I had fasted for 24 hours which is a miracle for me, that truly is a rarity and one I hope will soon turn into a regular occurrence. I'd had nothing to eat from 2.30pm yesterday and finally ate at 5.20pm today. Hurray for minor victories. Really hoping for a loss on the scales in the morning. All I had for dinner was a WeightWatcher's beef and vegetable hotpot kinda thing for 238 cals. Not too bad really. Pretty pleased with that.
Let's hope I can keep it up. No doubt I'll fuck things up tomorrow like I normally do. I need to learn how to discipline myself properly. That's one of the things I like about Buddhists (yes I'm still reading about them, not quite a convert yet but I don't think it will be far off, promoting inner calmness is something everyone should have and you don't worship a God), one of the things they attempt is to abstain from eating untimely meals (i.e snacking between meals and grazing throughout the day). Now that kinda disciplined thought pattern is something I would gladly grasp with both hands and never let it go.
Night angels,
AK xoxo
Starting the 60 day challenge again...
This is simply because I didn't get to complete it last time and it's a bit beyond the capability of a simple catch up thanks to being away for so long.
Here we go:
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate,eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
Okay, this week I will aim to give up chocolate. Blimey, no chocolate for 7 whole days...this certainly WILL be a challenge lol.
Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic).
I am 5ft 4in. I currently weight 10st 1lb (141 lbs). After 60 days I hope to be close to my target weight of 8st (112 lbs). I'm fairly sure that's a realistic goal plus the need to achieve it will keep me motivated.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Here we go:
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate,eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
Okay, this week I will aim to give up chocolate. Blimey, no chocolate for 7 whole days...this certainly WILL be a challenge lol.
Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic).
I am 5ft 4in. I currently weight 10st 1lb (141 lbs). After 60 days I hope to be close to my target weight of 8st (112 lbs). I'm fairly sure that's a realistic goal plus the need to achieve it will keep me motivated.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Online at home :)
It's bizarre how odd it felt not having internet access at home. You'd think that it wouldn't really matter, but it does. I felt so alienated away from my blog. Well I'd kinda gotten used to writing it regularly and getting things off my chest and then suddenly the ability to do that was taken away and I felt, well for lack of a better word, lost. Anyway, I've finally installed Google Chrome on my BF's mum's spare laptop so here I am, back online for the foreseeable future.
My weight has been really up and down these last few days. To a point where I feel like throwing my scales in the bin and winging it...on second thoughts I can't do that, I NEED to know what number I am, it keeps me more focused.
Today's weight 10st 1lb (141 lb hippo).
I can't control the binges any more. It used to be that a binge for me was basically junk food off my restricted list, regardless of quantity. One biscuit would be classed as a binge to me because it's full of crap, I don't need it and it will make me fatter. But now it's turned into a full on frenzy, like bloody feeding time at the zoo. Anything I can lay my chubby hands on gets shovelled into my mouth with my teeth working overdrive, trying to work faster to keep up. Then the next day I have the gall to say 'Oh God, I've put 2lbs on, stupid cow'. No one wants to listen to an out of control fat person whinge, so from now on I will keep my logs about binging brief and focus more on my successful days. I have to accept that binging is a part of my disorder and move on. No point dwelling on it right now.
Today I am sick. My son has had a tummy bug/virus and he's nicely passed it on to me. Thankfully I can't be sick unless I physically purge myself so no need to worry about that, and the sickly feeling is putting me off eating, which can only be a win-win situation. I don't want to eat because I feel queasy, and that can, or should more to the point, result in a loss on the scales tomorrow. Had a cup of tea for breakfast with skimmed milk (19 cals) and it made me feel slightly fuller which then brought the nausea back on. Ironically wonderful.
I find it slightly disturbing that I'm glad to be ill because with illness comes weight loss. Am I that obsessed? I don't know but it certainly appears that way.
Much love,
AK xoxo
My weight has been really up and down these last few days. To a point where I feel like throwing my scales in the bin and winging it...on second thoughts I can't do that, I NEED to know what number I am, it keeps me more focused.
Today's weight 10st 1lb (141 lb hippo).
I can't control the binges any more. It used to be that a binge for me was basically junk food off my restricted list, regardless of quantity. One biscuit would be classed as a binge to me because it's full of crap, I don't need it and it will make me fatter. But now it's turned into a full on frenzy, like bloody feeding time at the zoo. Anything I can lay my chubby hands on gets shovelled into my mouth with my teeth working overdrive, trying to work faster to keep up. Then the next day I have the gall to say 'Oh God, I've put 2lbs on, stupid cow'. No one wants to listen to an out of control fat person whinge, so from now on I will keep my logs about binging brief and focus more on my successful days. I have to accept that binging is a part of my disorder and move on. No point dwelling on it right now.
Today I am sick. My son has had a tummy bug/virus and he's nicely passed it on to me. Thankfully I can't be sick unless I physically purge myself so no need to worry about that, and the sickly feeling is putting me off eating, which can only be a win-win situation. I don't want to eat because I feel queasy, and that can, or should more to the point, result in a loss on the scales tomorrow. Had a cup of tea for breakfast with skimmed milk (19 cals) and it made me feel slightly fuller which then brought the nausea back on. Ironically wonderful.
I find it slightly disturbing that I'm glad to be ill because with illness comes weight loss. Am I that obsessed? I don't know but it certainly appears that way.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Friday 20 January 2012
I'm Back...
Courtesy of the new library...ooh it's lush. I can write here without fear of my family discovering my blog and musings so it is perfect and blissful.
I went to the therapy appointment and have been diagnosed as EDNOS. This apparently is because even though I restrict which is an anorexia tendancy, I also use laxatives for purging and binge a fair bit, which is characteristic of bulimia. Hence EDNOS. I'm unspecified. I'm broken and damaged and not interested in being fixed, which I explained to the lady at the appointment but she insisted I give it a try. I'm to have 7 sessions with a dietician and a nutritionist and at least 25 therapy sessions. Just awaiting the appointment dates now. UGH.
It's hard to want to be treated when I'm not wholly convinced I'm doing something wrong. I'm not screwed up, I just see things in a different light.
Anyway, now my son is back at school I'm back to my regular eating habits. Had to alter a little to accomodate xmas.
Today's weight = 141 lbs. (10st 1lb).
Going to try to fit in my Zumba workout at some point today, the cardio session burns around 600 cals which is awesome. And makes you sweat like a nervous pig. Heyho, onwards to slimmer pastures.
Also, a randomly unrelated note, I'm going to read up on Buddhism...as far as I'm aware no Buddhists waged war on other religions so I think that may suit me down to the ground and help keep me focused and aligned.
Much love,
AK xoxo
I went to the therapy appointment and have been diagnosed as EDNOS. This apparently is because even though I restrict which is an anorexia tendancy, I also use laxatives for purging and binge a fair bit, which is characteristic of bulimia. Hence EDNOS. I'm unspecified. I'm broken and damaged and not interested in being fixed, which I explained to the lady at the appointment but she insisted I give it a try. I'm to have 7 sessions with a dietician and a nutritionist and at least 25 therapy sessions. Just awaiting the appointment dates now. UGH.
It's hard to want to be treated when I'm not wholly convinced I'm doing something wrong. I'm not screwed up, I just see things in a different light.
Anyway, now my son is back at school I'm back to my regular eating habits. Had to alter a little to accomodate xmas.
Today's weight = 141 lbs. (10st 1lb).
Going to try to fit in my Zumba workout at some point today, the cardio session burns around 600 cals which is awesome. And makes you sweat like a nervous pig. Heyho, onwards to slimmer pastures.
Also, a randomly unrelated note, I'm going to read up on Buddhism...as far as I'm aware no Buddhists waged war on other religions so I think that may suit me down to the ground and help keep me focused and aligned.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Sunday 1 January 2012
Can't wait to get my internet back...
My God, I hate being away from you all...you really keep me going.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
My posts will be done as often as I can get to a computer as mine is officially offline and gone to laptop heaven :( RIP Lucy Laptop.
After a difficult few weeks, I broke the 140lbs plateau and went down to 136lbs, which is pretty good. Then Christmas arrived and I binged and binged and put on 7lbs in 2 days! Shocking. Fat wench!!!
Anyway, onwards and upwards. Managed to lose that half a stone now so am back to 140lbs, which ironically is a relief. Off to the EDU (Eating Disorder Unit) on the 10th Jan, so not looking forward to that very much.
I love this, a new start, a new year and all that.
Hope you've all had a fantastic Christmas and didn't indulge in ridiculous amounts of gluttony like I did...ugh.
:) All my love, and motivational thinspirational thoughts, AK xoxo
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
My posts will be done as often as I can get to a computer as mine is officially offline and gone to laptop heaven :( RIP Lucy Laptop.
After a difficult few weeks, I broke the 140lbs plateau and went down to 136lbs, which is pretty good. Then Christmas arrived and I binged and binged and put on 7lbs in 2 days! Shocking. Fat wench!!!
Anyway, onwards and upwards. Managed to lose that half a stone now so am back to 140lbs, which ironically is a relief. Off to the EDU (Eating Disorder Unit) on the 10th Jan, so not looking forward to that very much.
I love this, a new start, a new year and all that.
Hope you've all had a fantastic Christmas and didn't indulge in ridiculous amounts of gluttony like I did...ugh.
:) All my love, and motivational thinspirational thoughts, AK xoxo
Friday 2 December 2011
Absence Ahoy
My goodness angels, a lot has happened while I've been away. Gosh I've missed you all so much. I'm currently on my BF's computer so have to be quick. Must make sure to delete browsing history. Anyway...
My weight has fluctuated but I'm back at 10st (140lbs) again so that sucks a bit.
My doc has upped my AD's to a higher dosage because I'm 'unstable'. Don't make me laugh!
He's also referred me for therapy. Now... My last therapist was as much use as a chocolate teapot so I went in with very low hopes. Unfortunately she was really insightful and has spotted the tell tale signs of me screwing with my body and has referred me to the EDU (Eating Disorder Unit). I'll keep you posted.
My laptop is officially dead and in for repairs, but hopefully I can get on here via the library internet so I can update you better without fear of being caught.
I love you all. I hope you're all okay.
Much love,
AK xoxo
My weight has fluctuated but I'm back at 10st (140lbs) again so that sucks a bit.
My doc has upped my AD's to a higher dosage because I'm 'unstable'. Don't make me laugh!
He's also referred me for therapy. Now... My last therapist was as much use as a chocolate teapot so I went in with very low hopes. Unfortunately she was really insightful and has spotted the tell tale signs of me screwing with my body and has referred me to the EDU (Eating Disorder Unit). I'll keep you posted.
My laptop is officially dead and in for repairs, but hopefully I can get on here via the library internet so I can update you better without fear of being caught.
I love you all. I hope you're all okay.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Thursday 17 November 2011
Temperamental Technology
Apologies for my absence, my laptop keeps crashing :/ Need a new one ideally but with Christmas around the corner it will have to wait.
Not had a good couple of days really, I succumbed to allow Heffy to take control, much to Connie's dismay and anger. Tomorrow I need to push Heffy aside and allow Connie a bit of free reign to even the balance. Was good as gold all day, I even relished the emptiness of my stomach as it applauded my efforts. And then as per usual I go and fuck up all my hard work by eating junk food. Today's junk food = KFC! And whilst I suppose it WAS finger licking good, it definitely wasn't worth it. Can't wait to get my Zumba dvd's so I can indulge in a workout I will enjoy and get the body that I really want...thin slender and sleek...more to the point, beautiful. God, how I long to look in the mirror and see something beautiful staring back at me.
Just took some lax's, haven't been for almost a week now and my tummy is more bloated and distorted than usual :/
Tomorrow is a brand new day... smile and be happy....
::dreading the scales, the numbers just keep on rising::
Much love,
AK xoxo
Not had a good couple of days really, I succumbed to allow Heffy to take control, much to Connie's dismay and anger. Tomorrow I need to push Heffy aside and allow Connie a bit of free reign to even the balance. Was good as gold all day, I even relished the emptiness of my stomach as it applauded my efforts. And then as per usual I go and fuck up all my hard work by eating junk food. Today's junk food = KFC! And whilst I suppose it WAS finger licking good, it definitely wasn't worth it. Can't wait to get my Zumba dvd's so I can indulge in a workout I will enjoy and get the body that I really want...thin slender and sleek...more to the point, beautiful. God, how I long to look in the mirror and see something beautiful staring back at me.
Just took some lax's, haven't been for almost a week now and my tummy is more bloated and distorted than usual :/
Tomorrow is a brand new day... smile and be happy....
::dreading the scales, the numbers just keep on rising::
Much love,
AK xoxo
Tuesday 15 November 2011
A Common Myth
Okay, I wasn't going to wax lyrical about this at all, but seeing as how quite a few blogs I've come across mention the same thing I feel I should post about this.
Myth: That muscle weighs heavier than fat.
WRONG!
Alright, now you want me to prove it? Fine.
I, like many, thought that muscle weighs heavier than fat and I was shocked and a bit surprised to learn different. When I joined a slimming club earlier this year the consultant said to me 'You do know that muscle and fat weigh the same?' (or something along that line) so I asked her to prove her theory. She then asked me a question 'Which weighs heavier, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?'. So I automatically said bricks, because in my mind they are the heavier object. To which she smugly replied 'No, they're equal.' This got me thinking.
Then I grasped what she was saying. A pound of weight is still a pound of weight regardless of the object being weighed, it's just the quantity of the object that varies. A pound of bricks weighs exactly the same as a pound of feathers, the only difference is that you'd need fewer bricks to make the weight of a pound than you would with feathers. So you see, it's only the quantity that's changed.
So a pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat, the difference being you need less muscle to make up the pound in weight than you do with fat. Fat takes up more space in the body than muscle.
Don't believe me? Here's some visuals...
Much love, AK xoxo
Myth: That muscle weighs heavier than fat.
WRONG!
Alright, now you want me to prove it? Fine.
I, like many, thought that muscle weighs heavier than fat and I was shocked and a bit surprised to learn different. When I joined a slimming club earlier this year the consultant said to me 'You do know that muscle and fat weigh the same?' (or something along that line) so I asked her to prove her theory. She then asked me a question 'Which weighs heavier, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?'. So I automatically said bricks, because in my mind they are the heavier object. To which she smugly replied 'No, they're equal.' This got me thinking.
Then I grasped what she was saying. A pound of weight is still a pound of weight regardless of the object being weighed, it's just the quantity of the object that varies. A pound of bricks weighs exactly the same as a pound of feathers, the only difference is that you'd need fewer bricks to make the weight of a pound than you would with feathers. So you see, it's only the quantity that's changed.
So a pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat, the difference being you need less muscle to make up the pound in weight than you do with fat. Fat takes up more space in the body than muscle.
Don't believe me? Here's some visuals...
Much love, AK xoxo
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