Online at home :)

It's bizarre how odd it felt not having internet access at home.  You'd think that it wouldn't really matter, but it does.  I felt so alienated away from my blog.  Well I'd kinda gotten used to writing it regularly and getting things off my chest and then suddenly the ability to do that was taken away and I felt, well for lack of a better word, lost.  Anyway, I've finally installed Google Chrome on my BF's mum's spare laptop so here I am, back online for the foreseeable future.


My weight has been really up and down these last few days.  To a point where I feel like throwing my scales in the bin and winging it...on second thoughts I can't do that, I NEED to know what number I am, it keeps me more focused.


Today's weight 10st 1lb (141 lb hippo).
I can't control the binges any more.  It used to be that a binge for me was basically junk food off my restricted list, regardless of quantity.  One biscuit would be classed as a binge to me because it's full of crap, I don't need it and it will make me fatter.  But now it's turned into a full on frenzy, like bloody feeding time at the zoo.  Anything I can lay my chubby hands on gets shovelled into my mouth with my teeth working overdrive, trying to work faster to keep up.  Then the next day I have the gall to say 'Oh God, I've put 2lbs on, stupid cow'.  No one wants to listen to an out of control fat person whinge, so from now on I will keep my logs about binging brief and focus more on my successful days.  I have to accept that binging is a part of my disorder and move on.  No point dwelling on it right now.


Today I am sick.  My son has had a tummy bug/virus and he's nicely passed it on to me.  Thankfully I can't be sick unless I physically purge myself so no need to worry about that, and the sickly feeling is putting me off eating, which can only be a win-win situation.  I don't want to eat because I feel queasy, and that can, or should more to the point, result in a loss on the scales tomorrow.  Had a cup of tea for breakfast with skimmed milk (19 cals) and it made me feel slightly fuller which then brought the nausea back on.  Ironically wonderful.


I find it slightly disturbing that I'm glad to be ill because with illness comes weight loss.  Am I that obsessed?  I don't know but it certainly appears that way.


Much love,


AK xoxo