Going The Right Way

140lbs.  Better than nothing I suppose, at least I didn't gain which is something.  Will feel better when I'm back in the 130's.


I keep getting tight pains in my chest, almost as though someone is squeezing my heart and then letting go.  But as with the hunger pains, they don't last and eventually fade.  
My period is a no show again, was due on on the 21st but apart from a lot of bloating and discomfort coupled with occasional period pains it hasn't bothered showing up.


I stuck to the plan for yesterday.  The only meal I had was lunch which consisted of a tin of Heinz vegetable soup and 2 slices of Kingsmill 50/50 Crusts Away bread for a total of 282 cals plus a packet of salt and vinegar McCoy's crisps afterwards for 165 cals.  Grand total = 447 cals.  Pretty good.


I have to say though, the hunger pains were intense this morning, but nothing a couple of Tums couldn't fix :)  Along with a cup of tea with skimmed milk.  It is difficult not to eat in front of my son because I don't want him to grow up to develop issues with food.  But I'm sick of making excuses.  My family don't think my issue is so bad because I cover it up so well.  But there has to be a point where you think 'I genuinely don't want to eat and I'm sick of altering my life to please everybody else'.  Which is something I feel I do a lot.  


Do any of you feel that way?  Like you're eating just to please others but ultimately making yourself miserable?  Honestly, it's just ridiculous.  I know I don't want to cause my family concern if I can avoid it, at the end of the day whatever it is I'm doing to myself is my issue not theirs, but naturally they will be concerned.  It's how families react I think.  But when you add up the amount of time spent eating for others it mounts up to a fair bit of food.

For example, for me, this is how I would usually eat to please people:


Monday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Tuesday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Wednesday = Eat however I please... no-one monitors me today.
Thursday = Fucking LOATHE Thursdays.  Eat lunch with Mother and dinner with my son.  Just horrible.
Friday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Saturday = Eat however I please...no-one monitors me today.
Sunday = Eat lunch and dinner with my bf and son.  Ugh.


So you see I have a grand total of 2 days a week where I'm eating the way I choose without fear of people watching, taking notice, or commenting on my habits.  Those 2 days are my blissful days, but by the same token they tend to also be my binge days BECAUSE there is nobody I have to please.  
It's like a vicious cycle.


Would be nice to know I'm not alone on this in a way though I know most of you have incredible self control compared to me lol.


Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?


I do indeed count calories.  And I can't in all honesty see a future without me doing so as I do it automatically now.  It relieves my anxiety and keeps me calm knowing that what is in my home is food that I've allowed myself to play host to.  My usual daily calorie allowance is 500 cals.  Though I try to be strict with this I don't beat myself up too much if I go slightly over.  At the end of the day we are suppose to have 2000 cals a day so I'm not overly anxious about it.


Much love,


AK xoxo