Today's weight = 138lbs. I was 137lbs yesterday but I kinda stuffed my fat face until my cheeks swelled like a gerbil's and my jaw ached. I blame eBay for screwing me over when I was bidding on a brand new Radley bag causing me to lose. Ultimately I blame myself of course but you know, it's nice to know I had a helping hand.
My stomach aches today to a point where I feel sick, not sure what's going on. And, I am absolutely FREEZING! My fingers keep going numb and seizing up which isn't pleasant.
When I went seeing the CBT, Pauline, I signed up to receive a copy of all the letters sent to other health professionals regarding my disorder. At the time she said I was EDNOS but she thought I was leaning more towards the bulimia nervosa side of the spectrum and she would give me a full and proper diagnosis once she'd had more time to study my case notes.
My copy of the letter she has sent to my GP came today. It makes for sad reading. I didn't honestly think things were so bad but when you see them all pieced together like a jigsaw suddenly it all fits, and the big picture is grim. The truth is though that I still don't feel I'm doing anything wrong. I do however, need to purchase some more reliable scales I think as the ones she weighed me on said I was heavier than my ones at home. Time to go digital perhaps. Better start saving up. I also want to buy a HRM so I can get an idea of how many cals I burn throughout the day just doing my usual daily things like walking my son to school and tidying the house. Anyway, after much reading with utter disbelief, there it was. Three tiny words that mean something a lot bigger than I thought. Diagnosis: Bulimia Nervosa.
I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that I have a problem, because I don't see what I'm doing as anything any other dieter in the world is doing. Reading labels/packets, choosing my food carefully, avoiding junk food, and exercising. See, doesn't sound so bad when you put it like that. But if you put it how they do, it sounds ten times worse than it is:
'...will only eat what she herself prepares.'
'...she feels addicted to the loss on the scales and weighs herself each morning.'
'...a good day is sticking within her self-imposed calorie limits.'
Ah well. They can say what they like, doesn't mean I have to agree with it I suppose.
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Yes, both. Before my pregnancy I was 7st 6lbs (105lbs) which was classed as underweight for my height. Since my pregnancy I've been flitting between healthy and overweight and eventually was classed as obese at 12st 8lbs (176lbs).
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
Yes, I think so. I haven't hidden the fact that I dislike the weight I am.
Much love,
AK xoxo
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