My goodness angels, a lot has happened while I've been away. Gosh I've missed you all so much. I'm currently on my BF's computer so have to be quick. Must make sure to delete browsing history. Anyway...
My weight has fluctuated but I'm back at 10st (140lbs) again so that sucks a bit.
My doc has upped my AD's to a higher dosage because I'm 'unstable'. Don't make me laugh!
He's also referred me for therapy. Now... My last therapist was as much use as a chocolate teapot so I went in with very low hopes. Unfortunately she was really insightful and has spotted the tell tale signs of me screwing with my body and has referred me to the EDU (Eating Disorder Unit). I'll keep you posted.
My laptop is officially dead and in for repairs, but hopefully I can get on here via the library internet so I can update you better without fear of being caught.
I love you all. I hope you're all okay.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Friday 2 December 2011
Thursday 17 November 2011
Temperamental Technology
Apologies for my absence, my laptop keeps crashing :/ Need a new one ideally but with Christmas around the corner it will have to wait.
Not had a good couple of days really, I succumbed to allow Heffy to take control, much to Connie's dismay and anger. Tomorrow I need to push Heffy aside and allow Connie a bit of free reign to even the balance. Was good as gold all day, I even relished the emptiness of my stomach as it applauded my efforts. And then as per usual I go and fuck up all my hard work by eating junk food. Today's junk food = KFC! And whilst I suppose it WAS finger licking good, it definitely wasn't worth it. Can't wait to get my Zumba dvd's so I can indulge in a workout I will enjoy and get the body that I really want...thin slender and sleek...more to the point, beautiful. God, how I long to look in the mirror and see something beautiful staring back at me.
Just took some lax's, haven't been for almost a week now and my tummy is more bloated and distorted than usual :/
Tomorrow is a brand new day... smile and be happy....
::dreading the scales, the numbers just keep on rising::
Much love,
AK xoxo
Not had a good couple of days really, I succumbed to allow Heffy to take control, much to Connie's dismay and anger. Tomorrow I need to push Heffy aside and allow Connie a bit of free reign to even the balance. Was good as gold all day, I even relished the emptiness of my stomach as it applauded my efforts. And then as per usual I go and fuck up all my hard work by eating junk food. Today's junk food = KFC! And whilst I suppose it WAS finger licking good, it definitely wasn't worth it. Can't wait to get my Zumba dvd's so I can indulge in a workout I will enjoy and get the body that I really want...thin slender and sleek...more to the point, beautiful. God, how I long to look in the mirror and see something beautiful staring back at me.
Just took some lax's, haven't been for almost a week now and my tummy is more bloated and distorted than usual :/
Tomorrow is a brand new day... smile and be happy....
::dreading the scales, the numbers just keep on rising::
Much love,
AK xoxo
Tuesday 15 November 2011
A Common Myth
Okay, I wasn't going to wax lyrical about this at all, but seeing as how quite a few blogs I've come across mention the same thing I feel I should post about this.
Myth: That muscle weighs heavier than fat.
WRONG!
Alright, now you want me to prove it? Fine.
I, like many, thought that muscle weighs heavier than fat and I was shocked and a bit surprised to learn different. When I joined a slimming club earlier this year the consultant said to me 'You do know that muscle and fat weigh the same?' (or something along that line) so I asked her to prove her theory. She then asked me a question 'Which weighs heavier, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?'. So I automatically said bricks, because in my mind they are the heavier object. To which she smugly replied 'No, they're equal.' This got me thinking.
Then I grasped what she was saying. A pound of weight is still a pound of weight regardless of the object being weighed, it's just the quantity of the object that varies. A pound of bricks weighs exactly the same as a pound of feathers, the only difference is that you'd need fewer bricks to make the weight of a pound than you would with feathers. So you see, it's only the quantity that's changed.
So a pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat, the difference being you need less muscle to make up the pound in weight than you do with fat. Fat takes up more space in the body than muscle.
Don't believe me? Here's some visuals...
Much love, AK xoxo
Myth: That muscle weighs heavier than fat.
WRONG!
Alright, now you want me to prove it? Fine.
I, like many, thought that muscle weighs heavier than fat and I was shocked and a bit surprised to learn different. When I joined a slimming club earlier this year the consultant said to me 'You do know that muscle and fat weigh the same?' (or something along that line) so I asked her to prove her theory. She then asked me a question 'Which weighs heavier, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?'. So I automatically said bricks, because in my mind they are the heavier object. To which she smugly replied 'No, they're equal.' This got me thinking.
Then I grasped what she was saying. A pound of weight is still a pound of weight regardless of the object being weighed, it's just the quantity of the object that varies. A pound of bricks weighs exactly the same as a pound of feathers, the only difference is that you'd need fewer bricks to make the weight of a pound than you would with feathers. So you see, it's only the quantity that's changed.
So a pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat, the difference being you need less muscle to make up the pound in weight than you do with fat. Fat takes up more space in the body than muscle.
Don't believe me? Here's some visuals...
Much love, AK xoxo
Sunday 13 November 2011
Scales and Heidi
Feeling very positive today. The scales say I'm down to 141 which is wonderful. I was aiming to be down to 140 by today but a pound out is okay in my book as this is the lowest weight I've been in 6 years. Very thrilled.
Main food swaps I've done so far:
Semi-skimmed milk for Skimmed milk
White bread for brown/wholemeal bread
Full fat margarine for light margarine
Full fat yoghurts for low fat/fat free yoghurts
Flavoured water for plain water
Full fat coke/pepsi for diet coke/pepsi
Foods I've cut out completely:
Cheese
Sugar and artificial sweetener on cereal and in hot drinks.
Cakes
I've lost 19lbs since I started calorie counting at the end of September. I'm aiming to get down to 125 by Christmas. That equates to 16lbs that I need to lose to hit that target so I need to lose 2.6lbs a week, I'll round that up to 3. Let the countdown begin :) Whatever it takes!
Also, I did my bust, waist and hip measurements at my bf's the other day...it makes for grim reading...
Bust = 32"
Waist = 32"
Hips = 42"
That is just terrible...fat bitch! I absolutely disgust myself. Well come Christmas that will have changed...I fucking promise. I'm going to do all I can to change those numbers and right now, no method is too fucking drastic!
Right, rant over...
Continuing with the countdown :)
Positive, positive, positive!
Time for some pictures of one of my favourite slim ladies... the gorgeous Heidi Klum... Enjoy!
Much love,
AK xoxo
Main food swaps I've done so far:
Semi-skimmed milk for Skimmed milk
White bread for brown/wholemeal bread
Full fat margarine for light margarine
Full fat yoghurts for low fat/fat free yoghurts
Flavoured water for plain water
Full fat coke/pepsi for diet coke/pepsi
Foods I've cut out completely:
Cheese
Sugar and artificial sweetener on cereal and in hot drinks.
Cakes
I've lost 19lbs since I started calorie counting at the end of September. I'm aiming to get down to 125 by Christmas. That equates to 16lbs that I need to lose to hit that target so I need to lose 2.6lbs a week, I'll round that up to 3. Let the countdown begin :) Whatever it takes!
Also, I did my bust, waist and hip measurements at my bf's the other day...it makes for grim reading...
Bust = 32"
Waist = 32"
Hips = 42"
That is just terrible...fat bitch! I absolutely disgust myself. Well come Christmas that will have changed...I fucking promise. I'm going to do all I can to change those numbers and right now, no method is too fucking drastic!
Right, rant over...
Continuing with the countdown :)
Positive, positive, positive!
Time for some pictures of one of my favourite slim ladies... the gorgeous Heidi Klum... Enjoy!
Much love,
AK xoxo
Friday 11 November 2011
Good to be home
Finally home...been at my bf's for a few days after my son's surgery. His surgery went well but his recovery after the anasthetic was very slow so they kept him in overnight. Not weighed myself since Tuesday so looking forward to tomorrow morning :) Pretty confident that I've lost something. I hope I have, I've stuck to the HSGD. But I've had very little exercise as I've been looking after my son who's been on bed rest.
Missed you all tons. Problem with being at my bf's is that he watches me like a hawk so really happy to be home alone again :D
How are you all doing? Updates please :D Off to read all your blogs to see what I've missed.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Missed you all tons. Problem with being at my bf's is that he watches me like a hawk so really happy to be home alone again :D
How are you all doing? Updates please :D Off to read all your blogs to see what I've missed.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Tuesday 8 November 2011
I was super excited when I saw this. A friend of mine on Facebook posted it and I think I'm going to try it. If I can see it through to the end then I'll take another stab at the water fasting. Bear in mind that although the cals seem high, you're not obliged to eat that much unless you want to. Entirely up to you I think. You're just not meant to exceed the cal limit.
So starting tomorrow this is the diet plan I will be following. :)
I'm so giddy, at last, a diet I think I could really stick to ::grins::
Much love,
AK xoxo
So starting tomorrow this is the diet plan I will be following. :)
I'm so giddy, at last, a diet I think I could really stick to ::grins::
Much love,
AK xoxo
Monday 7 November 2011
Looking forward to the challenge
Tomorrow I'm starting my preparation for the 5 day water fast that I want to do.
Having never had much success in fasting before I think I need to break my body in gently so I don't put it in a state of shock. So here's what I plan to do:
Tomorrow - Water only until lunchtime. Then a maximum of 500 cals for lunch and dinner.
Wednesday - Breakfast and lunch then nothing but water until the next day. (The swap around is necessary as I'm at hospital with my son for his surgery)
Thursday - Water only until lunchtime. Lunch as normal if Mother is here, otherwise I'll just stay on water until dinner.
Friday - Water only until dinner then a max of 500 cal meal.
Saturday - Begin water fast.
Fingers crossed I'll be able to cope. :) Wish me luck xoxo
Having never had much success in fasting before I think I need to break my body in gently so I don't put it in a state of shock. So here's what I plan to do:
Tomorrow - Water only until lunchtime. Then a maximum of 500 cals for lunch and dinner.
Wednesday - Breakfast and lunch then nothing but water until the next day. (The swap around is necessary as I'm at hospital with my son for his surgery)
Thursday - Water only until lunchtime. Lunch as normal if Mother is here, otherwise I'll just stay on water until dinner.
Friday - Water only until dinner then a max of 500 cal meal.
Saturday - Begin water fast.
Fingers crossed I'll be able to cope. :) Wish me luck xoxo
Water fasting time.
I'm embarking on a five day water fast in a bid to get this weight shifted. The scales this morning say I've lost another pound and am down to 143. Which, don't get me wrong, is good because the scales are going the right way, I want more. That makes me sound greedy doesn't it? But I figure, I can have more so why shouldn't I? :)
Gosh I'm freezing, this house is sooooo cold right now. I'm wrapped up in my dressing gown on the sofa and I'm still shivering. Wish the heating would hurry up and get the house warm already, I switched it on over half an hour ago. Lol, look at me all impatient.
I know that water fasting will attract unwanted attention to my lack of eating habits from my bf and family so I'm going to tell them I'm doing a detox plan. I've already told my bf that I'm doing a five day water only detox and whilst he's being supportive I see the concern flash in his eyes. I reassured him it's only five days and that when I tried it last time I only got to 20 hours before I ate something so not to worry too much. This made him smile but I can tell he's going to be keeping an eye on me, which I suppose is good in its own way.
I want to be down to at least 130 by the end of November, so I really need to become more motivated and focused. My calorie counting has worked so far but I need to pick up the pace. Focus AK focus!
Day Five (60 Day Challenge) - Is there a specific event you want to lose weight for?
Put simply, yes, there is. Christmas. On all the Christmas photographs from the last five years I look horrible. Bloated, fat, chunky, chubby cheeked, huge fucking whale of a woman and nobody ever says a thing. No one ever says I look lovely, or that being at that weight suits me. So I now assume it doesn't. I'm down to the lowest weight I've been in five years so at least I know that this year I won't look AS fat on the Christmas photo's, but I'm a long way from happy. Christmas is my goal to reach at least 120. I'm sure I can do it. :)
That's all for now, will update later.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Gosh I'm freezing, this house is sooooo cold right now. I'm wrapped up in my dressing gown on the sofa and I'm still shivering. Wish the heating would hurry up and get the house warm already, I switched it on over half an hour ago. Lol, look at me all impatient.
I know that water fasting will attract unwanted attention to my lack of eating habits from my bf and family so I'm going to tell them I'm doing a detox plan. I've already told my bf that I'm doing a five day water only detox and whilst he's being supportive I see the concern flash in his eyes. I reassured him it's only five days and that when I tried it last time I only got to 20 hours before I ate something so not to worry too much. This made him smile but I can tell he's going to be keeping an eye on me, which I suppose is good in its own way.
I want to be down to at least 130 by the end of November, so I really need to become more motivated and focused. My calorie counting has worked so far but I need to pick up the pace. Focus AK focus!
Day Five (60 Day Challenge) - Is there a specific event you want to lose weight for?
Put simply, yes, there is. Christmas. On all the Christmas photographs from the last five years I look horrible. Bloated, fat, chunky, chubby cheeked, huge fucking whale of a woman and nobody ever says a thing. No one ever says I look lovely, or that being at that weight suits me. So I now assume it doesn't. I'm down to the lowest weight I've been in five years so at least I know that this year I won't look AS fat on the Christmas photo's, but I'm a long way from happy. Christmas is my goal to reach at least 120. I'm sure I can do it. :)
That's all for now, will update later.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Sunday 6 November 2011
Day Four of the Points Diet
Quick update...
Done pretty well today...here's how the points added up:
+10 (ate under cals)
+3 (8 cups of liquid)
+3 (2 cups of green tea)
+3 (8 hrs sleep)
+12 (60 mins exercise)
+2 (one on one time)
Total = 33 pts.
-1 (cup of diet cherry coke)
Total deducted = 1.
Total points for the day = 32.
Very pleased indeed. Tried super hard today and it paid off.
Total pts so far by the end of day four = 86.
Back on track angels :D
AK xoxo
Done pretty well today...here's how the points added up:
+10 (ate under cals)
+3 (8 cups of liquid)
+3 (2 cups of green tea)
+3 (8 hrs sleep)
+12 (60 mins exercise)
+2 (one on one time)
Total = 33 pts.
-1 (cup of diet cherry coke)
Total deducted = 1.
Total points for the day = 32.
Very pleased indeed. Tried super hard today and it paid off.
Total pts so far by the end of day four = 86.
Back on track angels :D
AK xoxo
Day Three of the Points Diet
Did fairly well yesterday. Set myself a calorie limit of 800 which I stuck to for a change lol.
Points breakdown:
+10 (Ate under my calorie goal)
+3 (8 cups of liquid)
+12 (60 minutes of exercise)
+2 (one on one time)
Total = 27 pts.
-1 (Glass of diet cherry coke)
-4 (Junk food :-/, naughty girl)
-5 (Less than 5 hours sleep)
Total points deducted = 10 pts.
Total for the day = 17.
Not as brilliant as I thought but still better than the previous day which is all I could ask for. The scales say I'm back down to 144 which is good, at least I'm going the right way again lol :D
Will try even harder today. It's only 8am and I've already had 2 glasses of water, worked up a sweat cleaning and scrubbing the oven so I'm counting that as exercise. It took me 20 minutes and a lot of elbow grease as they say but it sparkles now. I also had a better nights sleep, 9 solid hours! I must have needed that. Feel refreshed and energized today. Still have a lot of housework to do, plus I'm going to implement my new fitness regime this evening... 30 sit ups, 100 jumping jacks, 30 leg lifts, 100 squats, 30 second wall sit and maybe some weights, I haven't decided yet. That way I can put my own music on while I workout instead of listening to the cheesy pop Davina has on lol.
Feeling super motivated today :D
Day Four (60 Day Challenge) - Do you work out? How many times a week?
Okay, this is a tricky one because it varies from week to week though I am trying now to establish a routine. Usually I fit at least 3 workouts of some description, whether it be a high impact aerobics workout, an hour of intense housework that breaks me into a sweat or a long brisk walk somewhere or whatever else I can fit into my day. I walk every day, though not briskly but hell, exercise is exercise right? :)
On a completely unrelated note, I can't stop listening to Alkaline Trio....they're so good :D
Much love,
AK xoxo
Points breakdown:
+10 (Ate under my calorie goal)
+3 (8 cups of liquid)
+12 (60 minutes of exercise)
+2 (one on one time)
Total = 27 pts.
-1 (Glass of diet cherry coke)
-4 (Junk food :-/, naughty girl)
-5 (Less than 5 hours sleep)
Total points deducted = 10 pts.
Total for the day = 17.
Not as brilliant as I thought but still better than the previous day which is all I could ask for. The scales say I'm back down to 144 which is good, at least I'm going the right way again lol :D
Will try even harder today. It's only 8am and I've already had 2 glasses of water, worked up a sweat cleaning and scrubbing the oven so I'm counting that as exercise. It took me 20 minutes and a lot of elbow grease as they say but it sparkles now. I also had a better nights sleep, 9 solid hours! I must have needed that. Feel refreshed and energized today. Still have a lot of housework to do, plus I'm going to implement my new fitness regime this evening... 30 sit ups, 100 jumping jacks, 30 leg lifts, 100 squats, 30 second wall sit and maybe some weights, I haven't decided yet. That way I can put my own music on while I workout instead of listening to the cheesy pop Davina has on lol.
Feeling super motivated today :D
Day Four (60 Day Challenge) - Do you work out? How many times a week?
Okay, this is a tricky one because it varies from week to week though I am trying now to establish a routine. Usually I fit at least 3 workouts of some description, whether it be a high impact aerobics workout, an hour of intense housework that breaks me into a sweat or a long brisk walk somewhere or whatever else I can fit into my day. I walk every day, though not briskly but hell, exercise is exercise right? :)
On a completely unrelated note, I can't stop listening to Alkaline Trio....they're so good :D
Much love,
AK xoxo
Saturday 5 November 2011
Yesterday
Sorry for the super short post yesterday angels. My bf came to pick me up.
Was so disappointed in my score yesterday it's unbelievable. Silly silly girl. Made up for it today though, will post my score later on as I'm going to do a workout in a while once I've finished cleaning the kitchen.
Not been able to weigh myself tonight as I stayed at my bf's last night and he doesn't know where his Mother's scales are. By the time he dropped me off at home I'd already had breakfast and lunch so will not bother weighing today, will do it in the morning.
Had a terrible night sleep last night. Went to sleep around 11pm and woke up at 3.30am, completely wide awake. WTF?! Went downstairs and made a cup of tea with skimmed milk and ended up reading Charles Dickens - The Old Curiosity Shop until our son woke up at 7.30am. :/ indeed.
Ah well.
Today has been slightly more productive, I lacked motivation so much yesterday. And yet, for all today has been better, my mood is low and I just want to curl up in bed and not greet the world until noon tomorrow. Ugh.
Day Two (yesterday) (60 Day Challenge) - What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest)
Honestly, I want to lost weight so the reflection in the mirror looks pleasing to the eye compared to the hugely fat pig I currently see.
Day Three (60 Day Challenge) - Do you calorie count? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
I do calorie count, I think it helps me to stay in better control over what I'm putting into my body. I alter my calorie limit every day but I always aim for less than 1000 cals. Anything higher than that is considered a failure of a day and tomorrow I must compensate for my lapse in control.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Was so disappointed in my score yesterday it's unbelievable. Silly silly girl. Made up for it today though, will post my score later on as I'm going to do a workout in a while once I've finished cleaning the kitchen.
Not been able to weigh myself tonight as I stayed at my bf's last night and he doesn't know where his Mother's scales are. By the time he dropped me off at home I'd already had breakfast and lunch so will not bother weighing today, will do it in the morning.
Had a terrible night sleep last night. Went to sleep around 11pm and woke up at 3.30am, completely wide awake. WTF?! Went downstairs and made a cup of tea with skimmed milk and ended up reading Charles Dickens - The Old Curiosity Shop until our son woke up at 7.30am. :/ indeed.
Ah well.
Today has been slightly more productive, I lacked motivation so much yesterday. And yet, for all today has been better, my mood is low and I just want to curl up in bed and not greet the world until noon tomorrow. Ugh.
Day Two (yesterday) (60 Day Challenge) - What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest)
Honestly, I want to lost weight so the reflection in the mirror looks pleasing to the eye compared to the hugely fat pig I currently see.
Day Three (60 Day Challenge) - Do you calorie count? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
I do calorie count, I think it helps me to stay in better control over what I'm putting into my body. I alter my calorie limit every day but I always aim for less than 1000 cals. Anything higher than that is considered a failure of a day and tomorrow I must compensate for my lapse in control.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Friday 4 November 2011
Day Two of the Points Diet...
Today's points are as follows:
+3 (2 cups of green tea)
+8 (40 mins of exercise)
+2 (one on one time)
Total = 13 pts.
-1 (glass of diet coke)
-1 (100 cals of junk food)
Total deducted = 2 pts.
Total daily pts = 11.
Dismal...really dismal.
AK xoxo
+3 (2 cups of green tea)
+8 (40 mins of exercise)
+2 (one on one time)
Total = 13 pts.
-1 (glass of diet coke)
-1 (100 cals of junk food)
Total deducted = 2 pts.
Total daily pts = 11.
Dismal...really dismal.
AK xoxo
Thursday 3 November 2011
The 60 Day Challenge.
I stole this from La Fille De Mont Noir, I hope she doesn't mind :)
The 60 Day Challenge
Week One!
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate,eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic).
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
Week Two!
If you broke your unhealthy habit for one week, congratulations! Why not try two weeks?
If you broke your unhealthy habit for one week, congratulations! Why not try two weeks?
Weekly challenge: Get organised! This week try to plan tomorrow’s meal the night before.
Day eight: Name 5 things you like about your body (you can do it) and the one body part you’d like to change the most.
Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.
Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?
Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?
Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?
Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.
Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?
Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?
Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?
Week three!
Weekly challenge: Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren’t going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!
Weekly challenge: Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren’t going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!
Day fifteen: What is your favourite kind of exercise?
Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?
Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
Day twenty: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
Day twenty-one: Do you listen to music when you work out?
Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?
Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
Day twenty: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
Day twenty-one: Do you listen to music when you work out?
Week four!
Weekly challenge: Switch up your diet. Try one fruit and one vegetable you’ve never tried before, and learn how to cook a new healthy meal.
Day twenty-two: Are you generally smaller or larger than your friends?
Day twenty-three: Do you feel that your weight holds you back socially?
Day twenty-four: Is losing weight one of your top priorities in life?
Day twenty-five: Do you ever eat fast food?
Day twenty-six: Do you drink alcohol? What do you generally drink?
Day twenty-seven: Does shark week make you hungrier than usual, and do you allow yourself to eat more at this time of the month?
Day twenty-eight: Are there any foods or drinks that you have completely banned yourself from consuming, or do you believe in everything in moderation?
Day twenty-three: Do you feel that your weight holds you back socially?
Day twenty-four: Is losing weight one of your top priorities in life?
Day twenty-five: Do you ever eat fast food?
Day twenty-six: Do you drink alcohol? What do you generally drink?
Day twenty-seven: Does shark week make you hungrier than usual, and do you allow yourself to eat more at this time of the month?
Day twenty-eight: Are there any foods or drinks that you have completely banned yourself from consuming, or do you believe in everything in moderation?
WE’RE HALF WAY THERE! How are you guys going? Don’t worry if you’ve messed up a few times, it happens to the best of us. The important thing is that you’ve made it this far and you’re still going. I’m proud of you & be proud of yourself!
Week 5!
Weekly challenge: Go and buy yourself a nice item of clothing one size too small, hang it somewhere visible. Think about how good it will feel when you can fit it!
Day twenty-nine: What is your current weight? Have you lost, gained, or maintained your weight since day one?
Day thirty: Do you have rewards for reaching goal weight? What are they?
Day thirty-one: What are your favourite healthy snacks?
Day thirty-two: What is your weakness/one food you just can’t say no to?
Day thirty-three: Will you continue to count calories once you reach your ultimate goal weight?
Day thirty-four: Will you continue with the same exercise routine once you reach your ultimate goal weight?
Day thirty-five: Do you mainly do cardio, strength training, or both?
Day thirty: Do you have rewards for reaching goal weight? What are they?
Day thirty-one: What are your favourite healthy snacks?
Day thirty-two: What is your weakness/one food you just can’t say no to?
Day thirty-three: Will you continue to count calories once you reach your ultimate goal weight?
Day thirty-four: Will you continue with the same exercise routine once you reach your ultimate goal weight?
Day thirty-five: Do you mainly do cardio, strength training, or both?
Week 6!
Weekly challenge: Focus on one area of your body (eg. Arms/abs) and work hard on it every day of the week, I bet you’ll see a difference after 7 days!
Day thirty-six: What’s one item of clothing you’d like to wear after losing weight?
Day thirty-seven: What do you wear when you go swimming/to the beach?
Day thirty-eight: What do you generally order if you have to eat out at a restaurant?
Day thirty-nine: What has been the hardest thing you’ve had to give up?
Day forty: Have you gained weight at any point of your journey? How did this effect you?
Day forty-one: Do you drink tea or coffee?
Day forty-two: What is the meaning of life? Just kidding. If you feel happy with the way your body looks before you reach your ultimate goal weight, will you continue to try and lose weight, or will you aim to maintain?
Day thirty-seven: What do you wear when you go swimming/to the beach?
Day thirty-eight: What do you generally order if you have to eat out at a restaurant?
Day thirty-nine: What has been the hardest thing you’ve had to give up?
Day forty: Have you gained weight at any point of your journey? How did this effect you?
Day forty-one: Do you drink tea or coffee?
Day forty-two: What is the meaning of life? Just kidding. If you feel happy with the way your body looks before you reach your ultimate goal weight, will you continue to try and lose weight, or will you aim to maintain?
Week 7!
Weekly challenge: Aim to have a completely “clean food” week, avoid all processed food!
Day forty-three: Apart from weight loss, have you noticed any other benefits from your healthy diet?
Day forty-four: Do you drink green tea? (If you don’t you should. Seriously.)
Day forty-five: Who is your main inspiration to lose weight? Not a celebrity, someone from real life.
Day forty-six: Do you have a favourite motivational quote?
Day forty-seven: Have you ever come close to giving up? What made you change your mind?
Day forty-eight: Did you start losing weight before making your blog?
Day forty-nine: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done in an attempt to lose weight?
Day forty-five: Who is your main inspiration to lose weight? Not a celebrity, someone from real life.
Day forty-six: Do you have a favourite motivational quote?
Day forty-seven: Have you ever come close to giving up? What made you change your mind?
Day forty-eight: Did you start losing weight before making your blog?
Day forty-nine: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done in an attempt to lose weight?
Week 8!
Weekly challenge: Treat yourself. You’ve come so far already! Even if you haven’t lost any weight, you deserve to treat yourself for not giving up. Paint your nails, go shopping, go to a movie, get your hair done, anything that makes you feel good about yourself!
Day fifty: What’s the most calories you’ve consumed in one day? Why?
Day fifty-one: What’s the least calories you’ve consumed in one day? Why?
Day fifty-three: What’s something you’ve done to make yourself proud?
Day fifty-four: Can you see any noticeable changes in your body?
Day fifty-five: Do you believe this is a lifestyle change, and you will be able to continue with a healthy, active lifestyle for the rest of your life?
Day fifty-six: What have you enjoyed most about your weight loss journey?
Day fifty-one: What’s the least calories you’ve consumed in one day? Why?
Day fifty-three: What’s something you’ve done to make yourself proud?
Day fifty-four: Can you see any noticeable changes in your body?
Day fifty-five: Do you believe this is a lifestyle change, and you will be able to continue with a healthy, active lifestyle for the rest of your life?
Day fifty-six: What have you enjoyed most about your weight loss journey?
Day fifty-seven: What is your current weight? Have you lost any weight since day one?
DONE! Congratulations if you’ve lost weight! And congratulations even if you haven’t, it takes a lot of dedication to keep on going even with minimal results. I hope you guys found this motivating and helpful
(This quote was taken from La Fille De Mont Noir's blog - The Skinny Girl Project - http://lemontnoir.blogspot.com/ )
(This quote was taken from La Fille De Mont Noir's blog - The Skinny Girl Project - http://lemontnoir.blogspot.com/ )
Day One Of The Points Diet
Points breakdown for the day:
+3 (2 cups of green tea)
+28 (140 minutes exercise)
+2 (one-on-one time)
Total = 33 pts.
-2 (every 100 cals junk food)
-5 (less than 5 hours sleep)
Total deducted = 7 pts.
Total pts for the day = 26.
Not bad for a first attempt. I set myself a calorie limit of 800 cals which I didn't stick to, shame on me. Chuffed with the 140 minutes of exercise I've done... I did 80 minutes of walking and a 30 minute warm up coupled with 30 minutes of high impact aerobics. Not too shabby, hopefully that burned off the extra calories :)
Gutted about the lack of sleep though, stupid insomnia. Drives me mad. Will definitely do better tomorrow. I think I'll set myself a cal limit of 500 tomorrow to even out the damage done today. I fully expect a gain in the morning, and I fully deserve it. Silly girl that I am. Heffy is a sucker for anything sweet, and when Mother bought iced buns filled with fresh cream she urged me to tuck in unashamedly. Then afterwards I was scolded by Connie who prompted me to do the aerobics I've been putting off for a few days. I'm completely exhausted now. The lack of sleep is pushing me to breaking point and I really just want to curl up in bed and not resurface for days.
Week One Weekly Challenge: Pick one unhealthy food/habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
I have decided to give up artificial sweetener :)
Day One (60 Day Challenge) - How tall are you, what do you currently weigh and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic)
I'm 5ft 4in and 143 lbs. I hope to weigh 120 lbs after the 60 days. I know it seems like I'm aiming high here but I think you have to :)
Will do better tomorrow. Will do better tomorrow. Will do better tomorrow. If I say it enough times I may begin to believe that I will. :/
AK xoxo
+3 (2 cups of green tea)
+28 (140 minutes exercise)
+2 (one-on-one time)
Total = 33 pts.
-2 (every 100 cals junk food)
-5 (less than 5 hours sleep)
Total deducted = 7 pts.
Total pts for the day = 26.
Not bad for a first attempt. I set myself a calorie limit of 800 cals which I didn't stick to, shame on me. Chuffed with the 140 minutes of exercise I've done... I did 80 minutes of walking and a 30 minute warm up coupled with 30 minutes of high impact aerobics. Not too shabby, hopefully that burned off the extra calories :)
Gutted about the lack of sleep though, stupid insomnia. Drives me mad. Will definitely do better tomorrow. I think I'll set myself a cal limit of 500 tomorrow to even out the damage done today. I fully expect a gain in the morning, and I fully deserve it. Silly girl that I am. Heffy is a sucker for anything sweet, and when Mother bought iced buns filled with fresh cream she urged me to tuck in unashamedly. Then afterwards I was scolded by Connie who prompted me to do the aerobics I've been putting off for a few days. I'm completely exhausted now. The lack of sleep is pushing me to breaking point and I really just want to curl up in bed and not resurface for days.
Week One Weekly Challenge: Pick one unhealthy food/habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
I have decided to give up artificial sweetener :)
Day One (60 Day Challenge) - How tall are you, what do you currently weigh and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic)
I'm 5ft 4in and 143 lbs. I hope to weigh 120 lbs after the 60 days. I know it seems like I'm aiming high here but I think you have to :)
Will do better tomorrow. Will do better tomorrow. Will do better tomorrow. If I say it enough times I may begin to believe that I will. :/
AK xoxo
The Points Diet
Hey all. :) How are you today?
Okay, so here's the deal. A fellow blogger by the name of WiltedViolet has created a points based dieting plan. Basically it makes a game out of dieting and stops it being so tedious. You set yourself a calorie intake for the day and then score yourself as follows:
Drinks:
A few points I should mention here as WiltedViolet did. You can eat anything you choose, there is no set menu/food that you are required to eat in order to participate. Diet fizzy drinks, while low in cals, actually take away calcium and other nutrients from your body so try to drink them in moderation or just occasionally. The cayenne pepper or cinnamon is there because they help to boost your metabolism which aids weight loss. The one-on-one time is important because people who are thinking in a positive manner are said to lose weight easier thanks to their positive outlook.
Okay, so here's the deal. A fellow blogger by the name of WiltedViolet has created a points based dieting plan. Basically it makes a game out of dieting and stops it being so tedious. You set yourself a calorie intake for the day and then score yourself as follows:
SCORING LIST:
Foods:
+5 if you eat to your calorie goal
+10 if you eat under your calorie goal (don't add the above if you did this)
+5 if all of the food you eat is clean (aka healthy)
+1 if you took a multivitamin with you biggest meal
+1 if you had about one tsp of cinnamon or cayenne pepper
-15 if you purged after binging
-1 for EACH hundred calories of junk food (total calories don't matter)
-15 if you purged after binging
-1 for EACH hundred calories of junk food (total calories don't matter)
Drinks:
+3 if you had eight to ten cups of liquid (up to twelve if you exercised)
+3 if you had at least two cups of green tea
-1 for EACH cup of soda (yes, diet too)
Lifestyle:
+2 for EACH ten minutes of exercise
+3 for EACH ten minutes of running (not jogging)
+3 if you had at least eight hours of sleep last night
-5 if you had less than five hours of sleep
+2 if you had at least one moment of one-on-one time with someone
(This quote was taken from WiltedViolet's blog - Dream Big Get Small. http://dreambiggetsmall.blogspot.com/ )
(This quote was taken from WiltedViolet's blog - Dream Big Get Small. http://dreambiggetsmall.blogspot.com/ )
So there you have it.
A few points I should mention here as WiltedViolet did. You can eat anything you choose, there is no set menu/food that you are required to eat in order to participate. Diet fizzy drinks, while low in cals, actually take away calcium and other nutrients from your body so try to drink them in moderation or just occasionally. The cayenne pepper or cinnamon is there because they help to boost your metabolism which aids weight loss. The one-on-one time is important because people who are thinking in a positive manner are said to lose weight easier thanks to their positive outlook.
I'm starting this today. :) I hope more of you join me on this. Race you to Christmas ;)
Much love,
AK xoxo
Wednesday 2 November 2011
Honey, I'm home :)
Oh God, I've missed you all so much. Stupid laptop. Well, stupid laptop CHARGER! Lol. The casing on the charger cable split a little bit and exposed the wires which then promptly overheated and started smoking :-O
All is well now though as my new charger arrived today :) Happy days.
Thank you all so much for the kind comments regarding my last post. I felt in such a dark place, and in a way I still am. You will be pleased to know that I did seek help.
I went to see my GP last Friday and he conducted an assessment to ascertain how severe the depression is this time, and when I said it was magnified I wasn't exaggerating, the score I got was double the score I got last time I took the test. He did a test which used to be called the Edinburgh Scale or something (can't quite remember, it was a while ago), and while the test is still similar it has a different name now. Last time I scored 12, which wasn't too bad, but still warranted a prescription for meds. This time I scored 25 and once again, out came the prescription pad. No surprises there, well, except one. He handed me a leaflet explaining all about self-referral therapy, which was one of the first things I was advised to do last time, but this time he said he doesn't think I'm ready for that yet, maybe in a month or so. When I asked why he said that we need to stabilize my feelings and emotions before I can start therapy and that he wants me to take the meds and go back to see him in a month.
So there you have it.
I've been taking the meds for 6 days now and other than worsening insomnia I don't actually feel any different. I'm still feeling horribly low and lacking in motivation and energy. I suppose they take a while to really start working :/
Weight wise there hasn't been much change. Whilst I've been restricting and calorie counting I've been too downhearted to bother exercising or do anything really so my weight has temporarily hit a plateau of 143 lbs.
It has been a busy day today as we took our son to hospital for his pre-admission check up ahead of his surgery next week. Can't wait for it all to be over to be honest. I just want him well for Christmas.
Hope you're all okay and doing well.
Much love,
AK xoxo
All is well now though as my new charger arrived today :) Happy days.
Thank you all so much for the kind comments regarding my last post. I felt in such a dark place, and in a way I still am. You will be pleased to know that I did seek help.
I went to see my GP last Friday and he conducted an assessment to ascertain how severe the depression is this time, and when I said it was magnified I wasn't exaggerating, the score I got was double the score I got last time I took the test. He did a test which used to be called the Edinburgh Scale or something (can't quite remember, it was a while ago), and while the test is still similar it has a different name now. Last time I scored 12, which wasn't too bad, but still warranted a prescription for meds. This time I scored 25 and once again, out came the prescription pad. No surprises there, well, except one. He handed me a leaflet explaining all about self-referral therapy, which was one of the first things I was advised to do last time, but this time he said he doesn't think I'm ready for that yet, maybe in a month or so. When I asked why he said that we need to stabilize my feelings and emotions before I can start therapy and that he wants me to take the meds and go back to see him in a month.
So there you have it.
I've been taking the meds for 6 days now and other than worsening insomnia I don't actually feel any different. I'm still feeling horribly low and lacking in motivation and energy. I suppose they take a while to really start working :/
Weight wise there hasn't been much change. Whilst I've been restricting and calorie counting I've been too downhearted to bother exercising or do anything really so my weight has temporarily hit a plateau of 143 lbs.
It has been a busy day today as we took our son to hospital for his pre-admission check up ahead of his surgery next week. Can't wait for it all to be over to be honest. I just want him well for Christmas.
Hope you're all okay and doing well.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Thursday 27 October 2011
It's back....and magnified.
I have things I need to say and I'm perfectly aware that this may make anyone reading this blog portray me in a different light. But I cannot carry on like this.
My depression is back with a vengeance. I've denied it for a while now but it's time that I learned to face facts. It's back, and stronger than ever before, and though it pains me to say this, I need help.
The despair I feel every day is overwhelming. I feel like I'm the most useless person and that my son deserves a better life than the one I'm giving him. I hate admitting this, and you have no idea just how much I hate asking for help. It makes me feel utterly helpless and that makes the despair more intense. It's a vicious cycle that I'm stuck on in repeat.
My debt situation is worsening, due to the fact that most days I cannot bring myself to leave the house. I write letters to creditors with all good intentions and then fail to post them in time because I can't bring myself to leave the house to buy stamps. It sounds so silly when I say it out loud but it's the truth. The problems that then arise from my anxiety about going out, even to the shop, is such that I end up receiving threats to take me to court which makes the despair worse. And then I'm back to my cycle again. It never ends.
When my son goes to stay at his Dad's at the weekend I lose it even more. When he's here, I feel like I need to stay around for him, because he needs me. But when he's away I feel like there's nothing keeping me here any more and that no doubt he's doing just fine without me. I always say that my weekend is the time for me to catch up on errands and get my housework done while my son is away, but the reality is that I barely get out of bed the entire time. I just can't steel myself to get up and get dressed because there is no one here to motivate me.
My mood swings are worsening, to the point where I am mostly irritable and not in the mood for company. I know that this is having an impact on everyone around me, I just know it is. My lack of organisation bothers my bf no end, and when he comes over if things aren't done he just has a go at me and I apologise and get on with it. If only I could brave myself to tell him that I'm suffering and that I can't go on any more, but I fear that he will judge me.
My heart is breaking, I hate feeling this insecure, out of control, useless, demotivated and weak, which are the things I had last time I was depressed but this time they are magnified a thousand fold. I worry that if I ask for help from my doctor that they will get involved in my child's life, and question my ability to care for him and that would snap me in two. He is my world, my rock, my one ounce of stability that I have left. My world without him in it would just be pointless and the thought of ending it all would be easier. Right now, as it stands, I keep going for him and him alone. Take him out of the equation and it would just make it easier for me to bite the bullet and escape this world for good.
I'm sorry. To everyone really. I'm aware how deep this all is but I just needed to write it down, and where better than somewhere where anyone can see it if only they took the trouble to look. If I get diagnosed as depressive again then I will lose my job, odd I know, but it says so in my contract that if I contract a mental illness (of which depression is one) then it will directly affect my ability to do my job and I must resign.
I don't want to say I'm ill, though I know that I am. I am on the verge of tears now so I won't write much more. I hate myself, though hate is perhaps too light a term. I loathe myself, to the end of the world and back again.
I will make an appointment today to see my doctor. I am terrified of how this will all play out and I think I need to make that clear to him. But my well being and ability to cope when I have a child to care for is paramount compared to my volunteer job. Time to face the music I suppose. I have denied that I'm sliding back into depression for over a year now. I cannot deny it any more.
AK xoxo
My depression is back with a vengeance. I've denied it for a while now but it's time that I learned to face facts. It's back, and stronger than ever before, and though it pains me to say this, I need help.
The despair I feel every day is overwhelming. I feel like I'm the most useless person and that my son deserves a better life than the one I'm giving him. I hate admitting this, and you have no idea just how much I hate asking for help. It makes me feel utterly helpless and that makes the despair more intense. It's a vicious cycle that I'm stuck on in repeat.
My debt situation is worsening, due to the fact that most days I cannot bring myself to leave the house. I write letters to creditors with all good intentions and then fail to post them in time because I can't bring myself to leave the house to buy stamps. It sounds so silly when I say it out loud but it's the truth. The problems that then arise from my anxiety about going out, even to the shop, is such that I end up receiving threats to take me to court which makes the despair worse. And then I'm back to my cycle again. It never ends.
When my son goes to stay at his Dad's at the weekend I lose it even more. When he's here, I feel like I need to stay around for him, because he needs me. But when he's away I feel like there's nothing keeping me here any more and that no doubt he's doing just fine without me. I always say that my weekend is the time for me to catch up on errands and get my housework done while my son is away, but the reality is that I barely get out of bed the entire time. I just can't steel myself to get up and get dressed because there is no one here to motivate me.
My mood swings are worsening, to the point where I am mostly irritable and not in the mood for company. I know that this is having an impact on everyone around me, I just know it is. My lack of organisation bothers my bf no end, and when he comes over if things aren't done he just has a go at me and I apologise and get on with it. If only I could brave myself to tell him that I'm suffering and that I can't go on any more, but I fear that he will judge me.
My heart is breaking, I hate feeling this insecure, out of control, useless, demotivated and weak, which are the things I had last time I was depressed but this time they are magnified a thousand fold. I worry that if I ask for help from my doctor that they will get involved in my child's life, and question my ability to care for him and that would snap me in two. He is my world, my rock, my one ounce of stability that I have left. My world without him in it would just be pointless and the thought of ending it all would be easier. Right now, as it stands, I keep going for him and him alone. Take him out of the equation and it would just make it easier for me to bite the bullet and escape this world for good.
I'm sorry. To everyone really. I'm aware how deep this all is but I just needed to write it down, and where better than somewhere where anyone can see it if only they took the trouble to look. If I get diagnosed as depressive again then I will lose my job, odd I know, but it says so in my contract that if I contract a mental illness (of which depression is one) then it will directly affect my ability to do my job and I must resign.
I don't want to say I'm ill, though I know that I am. I am on the verge of tears now so I won't write much more. I hate myself, though hate is perhaps too light a term. I loathe myself, to the end of the world and back again.
I will make an appointment today to see my doctor. I am terrified of how this will all play out and I think I need to make that clear to him. But my well being and ability to cope when I have a child to care for is paramount compared to my volunteer job. Time to face the music I suppose. I have denied that I'm sliding back into depression for over a year now. I cannot deny it any more.
AK xoxo
Wednesday 26 October 2011
Damn you brioche
Honestly, I've been so good, the scales this morning told me I'm down to 144 which is great news, been a long time since I've been this weight I can tell you. Was so pleased.
Then I took my son grocery shopping. What a huge mistake.
As we were walking down the bakery aisle, which is difficult for me because I do really love bread products though I know they are really high in cals but my son needs to eat so you know, you kinda have to just get on with it. He spotted a bag of 8 milk chocolate brioche and asked if we could get some for him to try. Now, the problem with my son is that he's a very fussy eater (wonder who he gets that from eh??) so as always when we buy a new food, either me or his dad try it first to determine whether it is something he'll actually eat. So with his dad at work it was left to me to try the brioche. And boy do I wish I hadn't.
It is absolutely divine, and 184 cals a roll. Gorgeous buttery chocolatey wonderfulness in a bag. And as soon as I had the first mouthful I knew I was in trouble. Before I knew what had happened I had eaten 4 brioche. 4!!! What a fat cow am I?! And the bad part is that I still want more. Grrr! Trust me, as usual, to get onto a good run and then fuck it up.
Well with it being late in the day there is bugger all I can do about it now, unless I can fit some exercise in before bed...which I think I'm going to have to and then maybe if I get up early in the morning and fit a workout in before I weigh myself then fingers crossed I may be okay and perhaps will maintain my weight which would be much better than the gain I think I'll get.
I want so much to be in better control of my binge eating side, but I just can't. Every day is an intense battle between my 2 destructive personalities. Heffy (short for Heffalump) the binge eater, and Connie (my nickname for control) the restrictive. In one moment Heffy is triumphing and I am binge eating much to Connie's anger. The next moment I am hating myself as Connie pushes Heffy aside and yells ENOUGH as loud as she can, making my head hurt and the dizziness sets in. It is very difficult to try to reason with these two figures who truly hate each other, in order to make them work together I need to give in a little to each one every day otherwise I end up worse off. In a sense what I mean is I tend to please Connie first in the mornings when I am least hungry anyway and then come dinner time I please Heffy and eat a little more than I should. This is my way of trying to keep things in balance. I know that one day one of them will truly triumph over the other and everything will fall out of my control. But for now there is balance, I am too tired to show them who is boss.
AK xoxo
Then I took my son grocery shopping. What a huge mistake.
As we were walking down the bakery aisle, which is difficult for me because I do really love bread products though I know they are really high in cals but my son needs to eat so you know, you kinda have to just get on with it. He spotted a bag of 8 milk chocolate brioche and asked if we could get some for him to try. Now, the problem with my son is that he's a very fussy eater (wonder who he gets that from eh??) so as always when we buy a new food, either me or his dad try it first to determine whether it is something he'll actually eat. So with his dad at work it was left to me to try the brioche. And boy do I wish I hadn't.
It is absolutely divine, and 184 cals a roll. Gorgeous buttery chocolatey wonderfulness in a bag. And as soon as I had the first mouthful I knew I was in trouble. Before I knew what had happened I had eaten 4 brioche. 4!!! What a fat cow am I?! And the bad part is that I still want more. Grrr! Trust me, as usual, to get onto a good run and then fuck it up.
Well with it being late in the day there is bugger all I can do about it now, unless I can fit some exercise in before bed...which I think I'm going to have to and then maybe if I get up early in the morning and fit a workout in before I weigh myself then fingers crossed I may be okay and perhaps will maintain my weight which would be much better than the gain I think I'll get.
I want so much to be in better control of my binge eating side, but I just can't. Every day is an intense battle between my 2 destructive personalities. Heffy (short for Heffalump) the binge eater, and Connie (my nickname for control) the restrictive. In one moment Heffy is triumphing and I am binge eating much to Connie's anger. The next moment I am hating myself as Connie pushes Heffy aside and yells ENOUGH as loud as she can, making my head hurt and the dizziness sets in. It is very difficult to try to reason with these two figures who truly hate each other, in order to make them work together I need to give in a little to each one every day otherwise I end up worse off. In a sense what I mean is I tend to please Connie first in the mornings when I am least hungry anyway and then come dinner time I please Heffy and eat a little more than I should. This is my way of trying to keep things in balance. I know that one day one of them will truly triumph over the other and everything will fall out of my control. But for now there is balance, I am too tired to show them who is boss.
AK xoxo
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