Today's weight = 138lbs. I was 137lbs yesterday but I kinda stuffed my fat face until my cheeks swelled like a gerbil's and my jaw ached. I blame eBay for screwing me over when I was bidding on a brand new Radley bag causing me to lose. Ultimately I blame myself of course but you know, it's nice to know I had a helping hand.
My stomach aches today to a point where I feel sick, not sure what's going on. And, I am absolutely FREEZING! My fingers keep going numb and seizing up which isn't pleasant.
When I went seeing the CBT, Pauline, I signed up to receive a copy of all the letters sent to other health professionals regarding my disorder. At the time she said I was EDNOS but she thought I was leaning more towards the bulimia nervosa side of the spectrum and she would give me a full and proper diagnosis once she'd had more time to study my case notes.
My copy of the letter she has sent to my GP came today. It makes for sad reading. I didn't honestly think things were so bad but when you see them all pieced together like a jigsaw suddenly it all fits, and the big picture is grim. The truth is though that I still don't feel I'm doing anything wrong. I do however, need to purchase some more reliable scales I think as the ones she weighed me on said I was heavier than my ones at home. Time to go digital perhaps. Better start saving up. I also want to buy a HRM so I can get an idea of how many cals I burn throughout the day just doing my usual daily things like walking my son to school and tidying the house. Anyway, after much reading with utter disbelief, there it was. Three tiny words that mean something a lot bigger than I thought. Diagnosis: Bulimia Nervosa.
I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that I have a problem, because I don't see what I'm doing as anything any other dieter in the world is doing. Reading labels/packets, choosing my food carefully, avoiding junk food, and exercising. See, doesn't sound so bad when you put it like that. But if you put it how they do, it sounds ten times worse than it is:
'...will only eat what she herself prepares.'
'...she feels addicted to the loss on the scales and weighs herself each morning.'
'...a good day is sticking within her self-imposed calorie limits.'
Ah well. They can say what they like, doesn't mean I have to agree with it I suppose.
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Yes, both. Before my pregnancy I was 7st 6lbs (105lbs) which was classed as underweight for my height. Since my pregnancy I've been flitting between healthy and overweight and eventually was classed as obese at 12st 8lbs (176lbs).
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
Yes, I think so. I haven't hidden the fact that I dislike the weight I am.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Pain sucks
Looking at my blog stats on here today I should have just stayed away lol, I got more views. Haven't had a single one since I returned. Ah well, thank you to those that do read it. :)
Today's weight = 138lbs. Glad not to have gained because I got up this morning and Aunt Flo has arrived so I'm in pain and bloated and feel really sluggish. Fuck. Whilst I'm glad she's here in some respects I'm unhappy because I was finally doing well with my weight loss. That said, I'm going to fight and remain under 140lbs at all costs.
Brrrr I'm absolutely freezing. I have goosebumps and everything. The heating is on and I've got my dressing gown on and I still feel like I'm sitting in a draught.
Yesterday for lunch I had the same as the day before, 1 Crispbake, 4 veggie fingers and a bag of steamed veggies. Need to get some more veggie products today when I head to the supermarket. See what I can find that's nice. I like vegetables and stuff so why not try converting to a vegetarian lifestyle. Not committing wholly just now but it's something I'm going to look into.
At 7pm last night I got hungry and couldn't find my Tum's. Ended up eating 2 mini packets of chicken fridge raiders (114 cals) and a packet of Transform-a-snack crisps (100 cals). Ugh, not a huge binge but still junk I could have done without. Burned it all off though by doing 2 and half hours of ironing which burned 354 cals. Add the 60 minutes of ironing I did earlier that day which burned 142 cals and I was back on track, in fact I was lower than my 500 cal cap anyway. Happy days.
Today will be a slightly tricky day because my bf and son are here for lunch and dinner. Hmmm. If I skip breakfast and lunch (not sure how I'll get out of that one, may just say I'm not hungry because I had a late breakfast), then I can have dinner with them and not panic too much. I'm prepared to increase my calorie allowance for Sunday's to 700 cals. I think that's sufficient. Then tomorrow I'll be back down to 500. :) Yep yep yep.
All I can hope for really over the next week is to maintain or at the very least stay under 140lbs. After that it's no holds barred.
Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Not really, though I would like to look thinner on my son's birthday photographs in a few months. I just want to lost the weight for me so I can feel comfortable in my own skin.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Today's weight = 138lbs. Glad not to have gained because I got up this morning and Aunt Flo has arrived so I'm in pain and bloated and feel really sluggish. Fuck. Whilst I'm glad she's here in some respects I'm unhappy because I was finally doing well with my weight loss. That said, I'm going to fight and remain under 140lbs at all costs.
Brrrr I'm absolutely freezing. I have goosebumps and everything. The heating is on and I've got my dressing gown on and I still feel like I'm sitting in a draught.
Yesterday for lunch I had the same as the day before, 1 Crispbake, 4 veggie fingers and a bag of steamed veggies. Need to get some more veggie products today when I head to the supermarket. See what I can find that's nice. I like vegetables and stuff so why not try converting to a vegetarian lifestyle. Not committing wholly just now but it's something I'm going to look into.
At 7pm last night I got hungry and couldn't find my Tum's. Ended up eating 2 mini packets of chicken fridge raiders (114 cals) and a packet of Transform-a-snack crisps (100 cals). Ugh, not a huge binge but still junk I could have done without. Burned it all off though by doing 2 and half hours of ironing which burned 354 cals. Add the 60 minutes of ironing I did earlier that day which burned 142 cals and I was back on track, in fact I was lower than my 500 cal cap anyway. Happy days.
Today will be a slightly tricky day because my bf and son are here for lunch and dinner. Hmmm. If I skip breakfast and lunch (not sure how I'll get out of that one, may just say I'm not hungry because I had a late breakfast), then I can have dinner with them and not panic too much. I'm prepared to increase my calorie allowance for Sunday's to 700 cals. I think that's sufficient. Then tomorrow I'll be back down to 500. :) Yep yep yep.
All I can hope for really over the next week is to maintain or at the very least stay under 140lbs. After that it's no holds barred.
Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Not really, though I would like to look thinner on my son's birthday photographs in a few months. I just want to lost the weight for me so I can feel comfortable in my own skin.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Much better :)
FINALLY BACK IN THE 130's!!! So happy :)
Today's weight: 138lbs (9st 12lbs). Excellent.
Thank you to the wonderful angel who told me about Tum's helping to curb the hunger pains. They are a godsend.
Yesterday's lunch consisted of a Dalepak Crisp Bake (192 cals), 4 Birdseye Veggie Fingers (220 cals) and a bag of Birdseye Steamfresh Veggies (50 cals), with a slice of Weight Watcher's malt loaf for desert (68 cals). Total 530 cals.
Yes, I went slightly over my 500 allowance but not by much and I'm happy with that.
Went to the cinema last night watching Haywire. Had all of a small coke zero the entire night. :) I feel like I'm on top form and it's dizzying. Love it. And the best part is I'm learning my self discipline at long last. It's been a long time coming.
My bones ache though :/ I may have to mention that when I go to see my GP. At the moment I'm hoping to reach my IGW of 130lbs and then I can treat myself to a new outfit. That will keep me motivated, I never buy myself anything except essentials like Bridget Jones knickers :D *giggles*
Today will be equally productive, I'll make sure of it.
Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
I do work out. I have the Zumba DVD box set with the toning sticks so I do it every other day. One day I will do the cardio party and the next will be the sculpt and tone. When I'm not so engulfed in debt I'm going to fulfil my ambition of having a gym membership :)
Much love,
AK xoxo
Today's weight: 138lbs (9st 12lbs). Excellent.
Thank you to the wonderful angel who told me about Tum's helping to curb the hunger pains. They are a godsend.
Yesterday's lunch consisted of a Dalepak Crisp Bake (192 cals), 4 Birdseye Veggie Fingers (220 cals) and a bag of Birdseye Steamfresh Veggies (50 cals), with a slice of Weight Watcher's malt loaf for desert (68 cals). Total 530 cals.
Yes, I went slightly over my 500 allowance but not by much and I'm happy with that.
Went to the cinema last night watching Haywire. Had all of a small coke zero the entire night. :) I feel like I'm on top form and it's dizzying. Love it. And the best part is I'm learning my self discipline at long last. It's been a long time coming.
My bones ache though :/ I may have to mention that when I go to see my GP. At the moment I'm hoping to reach my IGW of 130lbs and then I can treat myself to a new outfit. That will keep me motivated, I never buy myself anything except essentials like Bridget Jones knickers :D *giggles*
Today will be equally productive, I'll make sure of it.
Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
I do work out. I have the Zumba DVD box set with the toning sticks so I do it every other day. One day I will do the cardio party and the next will be the sculpt and tone. When I'm not so engulfed in debt I'm going to fulfil my ambition of having a gym membership :)
Much love,
AK xoxo
Friday, 27 January 2012
Going The Right Way
140lbs. Better than nothing I suppose, at least I didn't gain which is something. Will feel better when I'm back in the 130's.
I keep getting tight pains in my chest, almost as though someone is squeezing my heart and then letting go. But as with the hunger pains, they don't last and eventually fade.
My period is a no show again, was due on on the 21st but apart from a lot of bloating and discomfort coupled with occasional period pains it hasn't bothered showing up.
I stuck to the plan for yesterday. The only meal I had was lunch which consisted of a tin of Heinz vegetable soup and 2 slices of Kingsmill 50/50 Crusts Away bread for a total of 282 cals plus a packet of salt and vinegar McCoy's crisps afterwards for 165 cals. Grand total = 447 cals. Pretty good.
I have to say though, the hunger pains were intense this morning, but nothing a couple of Tums couldn't fix :) Along with a cup of tea with skimmed milk. It is difficult not to eat in front of my son because I don't want him to grow up to develop issues with food. But I'm sick of making excuses. My family don't think my issue is so bad because I cover it up so well. But there has to be a point where you think 'I genuinely don't want to eat and I'm sick of altering my life to please everybody else'. Which is something I feel I do a lot.
Do any of you feel that way? Like you're eating just to please others but ultimately making yourself miserable? Honestly, it's just ridiculous. I know I don't want to cause my family concern if I can avoid it, at the end of the day whatever it is I'm doing to myself is my issue not theirs, but naturally they will be concerned. It's how families react I think. But when you add up the amount of time spent eating for others it mounts up to a fair bit of food.
For example, for me, this is how I would usually eat to please people:
Monday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Tuesday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Wednesday = Eat however I please... no-one monitors me today.
Thursday = Fucking LOATHE Thursdays. Eat lunch with Mother and dinner with my son. Just horrible.
Friday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Saturday = Eat however I please...no-one monitors me today.
Sunday = Eat lunch and dinner with my bf and son. Ugh.
So you see I have a grand total of 2 days a week where I'm eating the way I choose without fear of people watching, taking notice, or commenting on my habits. Those 2 days are my blissful days, but by the same token they tend to also be my binge days BECAUSE there is nobody I have to please.
It's like a vicious cycle.
Would be nice to know I'm not alone on this in a way though I know most of you have incredible self control compared to me lol.
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
I do indeed count calories. And I can't in all honesty see a future without me doing so as I do it automatically now. It relieves my anxiety and keeps me calm knowing that what is in my home is food that I've allowed myself to play host to. My usual daily calorie allowance is 500 cals. Though I try to be strict with this I don't beat myself up too much if I go slightly over. At the end of the day we are suppose to have 2000 cals a day so I'm not overly anxious about it.
Much love,
AK xoxo
I keep getting tight pains in my chest, almost as though someone is squeezing my heart and then letting go. But as with the hunger pains, they don't last and eventually fade.
My period is a no show again, was due on on the 21st but apart from a lot of bloating and discomfort coupled with occasional period pains it hasn't bothered showing up.
I stuck to the plan for yesterday. The only meal I had was lunch which consisted of a tin of Heinz vegetable soup and 2 slices of Kingsmill 50/50 Crusts Away bread for a total of 282 cals plus a packet of salt and vinegar McCoy's crisps afterwards for 165 cals. Grand total = 447 cals. Pretty good.
I have to say though, the hunger pains were intense this morning, but nothing a couple of Tums couldn't fix :) Along with a cup of tea with skimmed milk. It is difficult not to eat in front of my son because I don't want him to grow up to develop issues with food. But I'm sick of making excuses. My family don't think my issue is so bad because I cover it up so well. But there has to be a point where you think 'I genuinely don't want to eat and I'm sick of altering my life to please everybody else'. Which is something I feel I do a lot.
Do any of you feel that way? Like you're eating just to please others but ultimately making yourself miserable? Honestly, it's just ridiculous. I know I don't want to cause my family concern if I can avoid it, at the end of the day whatever it is I'm doing to myself is my issue not theirs, but naturally they will be concerned. It's how families react I think. But when you add up the amount of time spent eating for others it mounts up to a fair bit of food.
For example, for me, this is how I would usually eat to please people:
Monday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Tuesday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Wednesday = Eat however I please... no-one monitors me today.
Thursday = Fucking LOATHE Thursdays. Eat lunch with Mother and dinner with my son. Just horrible.
Friday = Fast all day so I can eat dinner with my son after school.
Saturday = Eat however I please...no-one monitors me today.
Sunday = Eat lunch and dinner with my bf and son. Ugh.
So you see I have a grand total of 2 days a week where I'm eating the way I choose without fear of people watching, taking notice, or commenting on my habits. Those 2 days are my blissful days, but by the same token they tend to also be my binge days BECAUSE there is nobody I have to please.
It's like a vicious cycle.
Would be nice to know I'm not alone on this in a way though I know most of you have incredible self control compared to me lol.
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
I do indeed count calories. And I can't in all honesty see a future without me doing so as I do it automatically now. It relieves my anxiety and keeps me calm knowing that what is in my home is food that I've allowed myself to play host to. My usual daily calorie allowance is 500 cals. Though I try to be strict with this I don't beat myself up too much if I go slightly over. At the end of the day we are suppose to have 2000 cals a day so I'm not overly anxious about it.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Not impressed is an understatement
Weighed in this morning and I'm STILL 141 lbs! FML!!!
What more do I need to do?! Right, I need to rethink my eating plans. I know for a fact I stayed under 500 cals yesterday and I had a stomach bug and all the joys that brings. And yet I haven't lost even a lb?!
So so so annoyed right now. Really fed up. The upshot of all this is that it's strengthened my resolve.
I'm going to go down to one meal a day, one decent (but still under 500 cals) meal for lunch. The rest of the time it will be fasting, with only cups of tea/coffee/diet coke/water to drink. So basically here's how it will break down, obviously today isn't included because I won't have fasted for as long... :
Fast from 1pm - 12pm (23 hour fast)
Lunch (500 cals or less) (between 12 and 1 pm)
And repeat....
Fairly straightforward. And I'm determined to stick with it this time. I will not fuck things up again.
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest).
Time for a ridiculously honest answer. Being the weight I am now makes me miserable beyond words. And no matter how many people tell me that I'm a healthy weight for my height, I have flab and fat where I wish I didn't and the sight of it repulses me to a point where I've asked my bf to take the mirrors down in the house. So I guess what I'm saying is that I want to lose weight for me, so that I can look at myself without cringing.
Much love, AK xoxo
What more do I need to do?! Right, I need to rethink my eating plans. I know for a fact I stayed under 500 cals yesterday and I had a stomach bug and all the joys that brings. And yet I haven't lost even a lb?!
So so so annoyed right now. Really fed up. The upshot of all this is that it's strengthened my resolve.
I'm going to go down to one meal a day, one decent (but still under 500 cals) meal for lunch. The rest of the time it will be fasting, with only cups of tea/coffee/diet coke/water to drink. So basically here's how it will break down, obviously today isn't included because I won't have fasted for as long... :
Fast from 1pm - 12pm (23 hour fast)
Lunch (500 cals or less) (between 12 and 1 pm)
And repeat....
Fairly straightforward. And I'm determined to stick with it this time. I will not fuck things up again.
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest).
Time for a ridiculously honest answer. Being the weight I am now makes me miserable beyond words. And no matter how many people tell me that I'm a healthy weight for my height, I have flab and fat where I wish I didn't and the sight of it repulses me to a point where I've asked my bf to take the mirrors down in the house. So I guess what I'm saying is that I want to lose weight for me, so that I can look at myself without cringing.
Much love, AK xoxo
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Feeling slightly better now
Whatever this virus was it seems to be out of my system and I feel like I'm on the mend. Which I know is good but by the same token I'm a bit disappointed. But that's just my craziness talking :)
Barely eaten all day. Skipped breakfast and lunch, just had 2 cups of tea with skimmed milk (38 cals). Had some dinner because I was finally feeling a bit better and the hunger pains had turned up in droves. In fairness though I had fasted for 24 hours which is a miracle for me, that truly is a rarity and one I hope will soon turn into a regular occurrence. I'd had nothing to eat from 2.30pm yesterday and finally ate at 5.20pm today. Hurray for minor victories. Really hoping for a loss on the scales in the morning. All I had for dinner was a WeightWatcher's beef and vegetable hotpot kinda thing for 238 cals. Not too bad really. Pretty pleased with that.
Let's hope I can keep it up. No doubt I'll fuck things up tomorrow like I normally do. I need to learn how to discipline myself properly. That's one of the things I like about Buddhists (yes I'm still reading about them, not quite a convert yet but I don't think it will be far off, promoting inner calmness is something everyone should have and you don't worship a God), one of the things they attempt is to abstain from eating untimely meals (i.e snacking between meals and grazing throughout the day). Now that kinda disciplined thought pattern is something I would gladly grasp with both hands and never let it go.
Night angels,
AK xoxo
Barely eaten all day. Skipped breakfast and lunch, just had 2 cups of tea with skimmed milk (38 cals). Had some dinner because I was finally feeling a bit better and the hunger pains had turned up in droves. In fairness though I had fasted for 24 hours which is a miracle for me, that truly is a rarity and one I hope will soon turn into a regular occurrence. I'd had nothing to eat from 2.30pm yesterday and finally ate at 5.20pm today. Hurray for minor victories. Really hoping for a loss on the scales in the morning. All I had for dinner was a WeightWatcher's beef and vegetable hotpot kinda thing for 238 cals. Not too bad really. Pretty pleased with that.
Let's hope I can keep it up. No doubt I'll fuck things up tomorrow like I normally do. I need to learn how to discipline myself properly. That's one of the things I like about Buddhists (yes I'm still reading about them, not quite a convert yet but I don't think it will be far off, promoting inner calmness is something everyone should have and you don't worship a God), one of the things they attempt is to abstain from eating untimely meals (i.e snacking between meals and grazing throughout the day). Now that kinda disciplined thought pattern is something I would gladly grasp with both hands and never let it go.
Night angels,
AK xoxo
Starting the 60 day challenge again...
This is simply because I didn't get to complete it last time and it's a bit beyond the capability of a simple catch up thanks to being away for so long.
Here we go:
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate,eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
Okay, this week I will aim to give up chocolate. Blimey, no chocolate for 7 whole days...this certainly WILL be a challenge lol.
Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic).
I am 5ft 4in. I currently weight 10st 1lb (141 lbs). After 60 days I hope to be close to my target weight of 8st (112 lbs). I'm fairly sure that's a realistic goal plus the need to achieve it will keep me motivated.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Here we go:
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate,eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
Okay, this week I will aim to give up chocolate. Blimey, no chocolate for 7 whole days...this certainly WILL be a challenge lol.
Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic).
I am 5ft 4in. I currently weight 10st 1lb (141 lbs). After 60 days I hope to be close to my target weight of 8st (112 lbs). I'm fairly sure that's a realistic goal plus the need to achieve it will keep me motivated.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Online at home :)
It's bizarre how odd it felt not having internet access at home. You'd think that it wouldn't really matter, but it does. I felt so alienated away from my blog. Well I'd kinda gotten used to writing it regularly and getting things off my chest and then suddenly the ability to do that was taken away and I felt, well for lack of a better word, lost. Anyway, I've finally installed Google Chrome on my BF's mum's spare laptop so here I am, back online for the foreseeable future.
My weight has been really up and down these last few days. To a point where I feel like throwing my scales in the bin and winging it...on second thoughts I can't do that, I NEED to know what number I am, it keeps me more focused.
Today's weight 10st 1lb (141 lb hippo).
I can't control the binges any more. It used to be that a binge for me was basically junk food off my restricted list, regardless of quantity. One biscuit would be classed as a binge to me because it's full of crap, I don't need it and it will make me fatter. But now it's turned into a full on frenzy, like bloody feeding time at the zoo. Anything I can lay my chubby hands on gets shovelled into my mouth with my teeth working overdrive, trying to work faster to keep up. Then the next day I have the gall to say 'Oh God, I've put 2lbs on, stupid cow'. No one wants to listen to an out of control fat person whinge, so from now on I will keep my logs about binging brief and focus more on my successful days. I have to accept that binging is a part of my disorder and move on. No point dwelling on it right now.
Today I am sick. My son has had a tummy bug/virus and he's nicely passed it on to me. Thankfully I can't be sick unless I physically purge myself so no need to worry about that, and the sickly feeling is putting me off eating, which can only be a win-win situation. I don't want to eat because I feel queasy, and that can, or should more to the point, result in a loss on the scales tomorrow. Had a cup of tea for breakfast with skimmed milk (19 cals) and it made me feel slightly fuller which then brought the nausea back on. Ironically wonderful.
I find it slightly disturbing that I'm glad to be ill because with illness comes weight loss. Am I that obsessed? I don't know but it certainly appears that way.
Much love,
AK xoxo
My weight has been really up and down these last few days. To a point where I feel like throwing my scales in the bin and winging it...on second thoughts I can't do that, I NEED to know what number I am, it keeps me more focused.
Today's weight 10st 1lb (141 lb hippo).
I can't control the binges any more. It used to be that a binge for me was basically junk food off my restricted list, regardless of quantity. One biscuit would be classed as a binge to me because it's full of crap, I don't need it and it will make me fatter. But now it's turned into a full on frenzy, like bloody feeding time at the zoo. Anything I can lay my chubby hands on gets shovelled into my mouth with my teeth working overdrive, trying to work faster to keep up. Then the next day I have the gall to say 'Oh God, I've put 2lbs on, stupid cow'. No one wants to listen to an out of control fat person whinge, so from now on I will keep my logs about binging brief and focus more on my successful days. I have to accept that binging is a part of my disorder and move on. No point dwelling on it right now.
Today I am sick. My son has had a tummy bug/virus and he's nicely passed it on to me. Thankfully I can't be sick unless I physically purge myself so no need to worry about that, and the sickly feeling is putting me off eating, which can only be a win-win situation. I don't want to eat because I feel queasy, and that can, or should more to the point, result in a loss on the scales tomorrow. Had a cup of tea for breakfast with skimmed milk (19 cals) and it made me feel slightly fuller which then brought the nausea back on. Ironically wonderful.
I find it slightly disturbing that I'm glad to be ill because with illness comes weight loss. Am I that obsessed? I don't know but it certainly appears that way.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Friday, 20 January 2012
I'm Back...
Courtesy of the new library...ooh it's lush. I can write here without fear of my family discovering my blog and musings so it is perfect and blissful.
I went to the therapy appointment and have been diagnosed as EDNOS. This apparently is because even though I restrict which is an anorexia tendancy, I also use laxatives for purging and binge a fair bit, which is characteristic of bulimia. Hence EDNOS. I'm unspecified. I'm broken and damaged and not interested in being fixed, which I explained to the lady at the appointment but she insisted I give it a try. I'm to have 7 sessions with a dietician and a nutritionist and at least 25 therapy sessions. Just awaiting the appointment dates now. UGH.
It's hard to want to be treated when I'm not wholly convinced I'm doing something wrong. I'm not screwed up, I just see things in a different light.
Anyway, now my son is back at school I'm back to my regular eating habits. Had to alter a little to accomodate xmas.
Today's weight = 141 lbs. (10st 1lb).
Going to try to fit in my Zumba workout at some point today, the cardio session burns around 600 cals which is awesome. And makes you sweat like a nervous pig. Heyho, onwards to slimmer pastures.
Also, a randomly unrelated note, I'm going to read up on Buddhism...as far as I'm aware no Buddhists waged war on other religions so I think that may suit me down to the ground and help keep me focused and aligned.
Much love,
AK xoxo
I went to the therapy appointment and have been diagnosed as EDNOS. This apparently is because even though I restrict which is an anorexia tendancy, I also use laxatives for purging and binge a fair bit, which is characteristic of bulimia. Hence EDNOS. I'm unspecified. I'm broken and damaged and not interested in being fixed, which I explained to the lady at the appointment but she insisted I give it a try. I'm to have 7 sessions with a dietician and a nutritionist and at least 25 therapy sessions. Just awaiting the appointment dates now. UGH.
It's hard to want to be treated when I'm not wholly convinced I'm doing something wrong. I'm not screwed up, I just see things in a different light.
Anyway, now my son is back at school I'm back to my regular eating habits. Had to alter a little to accomodate xmas.
Today's weight = 141 lbs. (10st 1lb).
Going to try to fit in my Zumba workout at some point today, the cardio session burns around 600 cals which is awesome. And makes you sweat like a nervous pig. Heyho, onwards to slimmer pastures.
Also, a randomly unrelated note, I'm going to read up on Buddhism...as far as I'm aware no Buddhists waged war on other religions so I think that may suit me down to the ground and help keep me focused and aligned.
Much love,
AK xoxo
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Can't wait to get my internet back...
My God, I hate being away from you all...you really keep me going.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
My posts will be done as often as I can get to a computer as mine is officially offline and gone to laptop heaven :( RIP Lucy Laptop.
After a difficult few weeks, I broke the 140lbs plateau and went down to 136lbs, which is pretty good. Then Christmas arrived and I binged and binged and put on 7lbs in 2 days! Shocking. Fat wench!!!
Anyway, onwards and upwards. Managed to lose that half a stone now so am back to 140lbs, which ironically is a relief. Off to the EDU (Eating Disorder Unit) on the 10th Jan, so not looking forward to that very much.
I love this, a new start, a new year and all that.
Hope you've all had a fantastic Christmas and didn't indulge in ridiculous amounts of gluttony like I did...ugh.
:) All my love, and motivational thinspirational thoughts, AK xoxo
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
My posts will be done as often as I can get to a computer as mine is officially offline and gone to laptop heaven :( RIP Lucy Laptop.
After a difficult few weeks, I broke the 140lbs plateau and went down to 136lbs, which is pretty good. Then Christmas arrived and I binged and binged and put on 7lbs in 2 days! Shocking. Fat wench!!!
Anyway, onwards and upwards. Managed to lose that half a stone now so am back to 140lbs, which ironically is a relief. Off to the EDU (Eating Disorder Unit) on the 10th Jan, so not looking forward to that very much.
I love this, a new start, a new year and all that.
Hope you've all had a fantastic Christmas and didn't indulge in ridiculous amounts of gluttony like I did...ugh.
:) All my love, and motivational thinspirational thoughts, AK xoxo
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