Managed to stay on track for the rest of the day. Fingers crossed I've done enough to manage another loss tomorrow. Was debating on fasting tomorrow but since my BF is coming over to help me gloss the staircase I under-coated today I think it's highly unlikely I can get away with avoiding solids like the plague. Ugh :/

I was really good when Father came over, I had 2 cups of black coffee each with 2 sweetener tabs in which came to a total of 18.4 cals. Oh and a McVitie's Digestive biscuit at 71 cals because Father was eyeing me suspiciously as I didn't take a biscuit from the biscuit tin. What he hadn't commented on was me cooking him a breakfast muffin and smearing it in jam, giving him cake and chocolate whilst not eating anything myself. Genius.

Skipped lunch as I was so busy painting the stairs that time completely ran away with me. In a way I am grateful for the distraction, it stops me thinking about food all the damn time.

For dinner I had 2 Quorn Veggie Burgers at 80 cals each. First time I've ever had them and they were really tasty :) Will more than likely buy those again as they are low in calories and taste scrummy.

Total cal count for the day is 357.2.

Well done me. This good behaviour should result in a loss on the scales in the morning. Although, that said, Aunt Flo came to visit today and am feeling a little tender and bloated, so that may tip the numbers a little against me but such is life I suppose.

GSK xoxo

Disaster :(

Well last night things got out of hand, only a little bit but still enough to throw me off track.

One of my son's fishes died and my little boy was utterly distraught and inconsolable. Which in turn made me so upset as I hate seeing him crying. :(

Once I'd put him to bed, and cleaned the fish tank for the last remaining fish, I was in tears myself. So I comfort ate the rest of that chocolate bar. Silly silly me. Why on earth did I give in? Am I so weak? Grrr. That tacked another 311 cals onto the days total already, which then took me up to a grand total of 858.8 cals for yesterday... not so good really.

I feel like a real idiot, I was trying so hard yesterday to be careful and watch what I eat and then I go and stuff it all up like that! Fat cow that I am. I need to learn to say no. I'm an impulsive person, and always have been, but I need to learn to resist. And I will pay for it today. Oh you bet I will. Less that 500 cals all day is my aim to make up for my stupidity.

However, the scales this morning said I've lost a pound and I'm down to 156.5 lbs. Which considering my weak effort of dieting yesterday is a pretty good result all things considered.

Breakfast today: 1 slice of white bread toast with 2 grams of light margarine - 77 cals.

1 cup of green tea - 1 cal.

1 cup of tea with 50 mls of semi skimmed milk and 2 sweetener tabs - 28.8 cals.

NB: The change in bread calories is because I bought a Warburtons Toastie Half Size Loaf. Each slice is 70 cals as opposed to the full size version which is 113 cals per slice.

On my way home from my son's harvest assembly at school I had a can of pepsi max - 1 cal.

So far so good. Huge improvement. Also got a fair bit of exercise to do this afternoon as I'm painting the staircase. I wonder how many calories that will burn off?

Oh god, it's only the 3rd day of my calorie counting diet and I'm becoming obsessed already. Maybe it's just time to accept my fat self once and for all and knock this on the head while I still can.

GSK xoxo

First weigh in since the diet began

So pleased with the scales this morning :) 157.5 lbs. That's a 2.5 lb loss in just one day. I'm now wondering whether the scales are accurate lol.

Busy day today, got to attend a course today for my job. All very dull, 2 hours of sitting in a conference room with lots of people I don't know, but even so I'm a bit nervous. I suppose the first day of a new job is always nerve wracking though. Really have to try not to comfort eat which I usually do when I'm nervous.

Breakfast: 1 slice of white bread toast with 2 grams of light margarine - 120 cals.

1 cup of tea with 50 mls of semi skimmed milk and 2 sweetener tabs - 28.8 cals.

Had a glass of water before going to work. My father came round and he'd bought me some chocolate from work, Dairy Milk Fruit And Nut (om nom nom). Politely declined and said I was full from breakfast but he looked disappointed so I indulged him and ate 3 small chunks which came to 85 cals (yes I checked the label).

After work I met up with Mother at Tesco for grocery shopping. I knew this would be tricky as I was on a very strict budget due to bills going out. Still, I didn't bank on it being the nightmare that it became. I was reading all the labels and checking calorie contents, and by the time I found some cheese slices that were below 100 cals per slice almost 15 minutes had gone by and I had only gone down 1 aisle. I soon got the hang of checking the calorie contents by scanning the label as I walked by which helped, but as I found more and more things that I normally buy that were really high in calories, searching for alternatives really overwhelmed me. I began to feel disorientated and claustrophobic, and just wanted to abandon my trolley and go home.

Then Mother offered to buy us some pre-packed sandwiches for lunch. I felt it would be rude to say no to her, and as she knows my eating history so well I worry about her reaction to me calorie counting again. So I did a quick scan of each label as I pretended to look for a filling I liked. Finally I picked out a ham and salad sandwich for just 245 cals. Not bad really, and the lowest calorie filling on the shelf so felt pretty pleased with myself.

Had a glass of water with my sandwiches and then Mother spotted the chocolate bar Father had bought me, sitting on the arm of the sofa. She broke off 3 small chunks and passed them my way. Now I love my Mother dearly, and I know she will worry about me if I don't have any as normally I love chocolate. So I eat them. Tag another 85 cals on. Grrr.

Managed to avoid having any tea to make up for the extra cals I've consumed but no doubt I will be hungry again by supper time. Hopefully I can resist until the morning. However, I really REALLY want to finish that chocolate bar.

GSK xoxo

The rest of the day has gone pretty well, though the hunger pangs and rumbling tummy bothered me a little around 10am and 2pm, but it was nothing I couldn't cope with. After all, it's very obvious that I'm not starving myself but I do wonder if counting calories is my way of restricting?

I know I'm supposed to consume 2000 calories a day but even to me that seems like a lot. But at the end of the day I want to lose weight and be thinner, so I have to restrict something to achieve the weight loss. Not sure what lengths I will go to to become thinner, but I have a feeling of self satisfaction already, knowing that I haven't consumed as much as I am supposed to.

It's an odd mixture of achievement and anxiety. The achievement is self explanatory. The anxiety of treading down the road with only Ana for company worries me a little. I'm pretty sure that since it's only day one that I'm still in control. But who knows where my dieting journey will take me.

I do wonder though, if Ana is a state of mind in some ways. Like the urge to eat less or restrict or starve oneself is ingrained into our psyche from an earlier point in life. Maybe some people are more prone to eating disorders than others. I don't know really. All I know is that I'm so disgusted with the lady in the mirror that I imagine I will do anything to change her. Well, almost anything.

My intake for the rest of the day was pretty low but I'm not hungry or eating junk food so I think that is pretty satisfying.

Mid Afternoon snack: 1 strawberry low fat yoghurt - 98 cals.

3 glasses of water - 0 cals.

NB: The drinks of water help to curb the hunger pangs a little.

Dinner: 1 small box of raisins: 41 cals.

1 cup of tea with 50 mls semi skimmed milk and 2 sweetener tabs - 28.8 cals.

Evening: 1 glass of water - 0 cals.

I'm not overly hungry, but I do think that on a normal day I would have eaten myself out of house and home as they say.

Narrowly dodged a few questions from my BF though. He knows all about my eating history and was present for a lot of it as we have been together for 8 years. He came in from work, sat on the sofa while our son ate his dinner and asked me what I was having for my dinner. I told him I'd already eaten and when he asked what I'd had I lied and said a cup-o-soup. Why did I lie? Because I don't want him to worry unduly and all that because I'm okay. So far.

Then he offered me some chocolate and I said 'no thanks, I'm not hungry'.

I think that sometimes I may have to indulge the people I love otherwise they will start to worry. As long as I know I'm okay then I'm not going to see them worry or get upset over my eating habits.

Anyway, the total daily calorie intake was 387.6. Very low indeed. Will see what the scales say tomorrow. Night angels.

GSK xoxo

The day things changed

I got up today and realised that I need to get a grip. I undressed for my morning bath and the person staring back at me in the mirror both repulsed me and made me feel nauseous. As with every other day I vowed that today I would change something. But for a change, today,I actually mean it.

I am aware that I need to be careful with weight loss and the measures that I may resort to take to shift the excess baggage. And that is where this blog comes in handy. I'm hoping it will help me to keep my sanity above all else and help me to stay in control.

I have previously suffered with eating issues. I may have had an eating disorder, but as I never saw my doctor about it nothing was ever made official in my medical records.

I think my family knew I was having problems. I wasn't overly self-conscious as such, but I was naturally thin. Not emaciated or anything that extreme, but a size 8 for most of my teenage years. I didn't watch what I ate, but I never seemed to have an appetite at all. Some days I would make myself eat something because I worried about dying. I didn't want to die. And I still don't. I now have a gorgeous 5 year old son to care for and that is my priority. I hope that never changes.

After getting pregnant I piled on the pounds and went up to my heaviest at 179lbs (12 st 8 lbs). From there I struggled to lose the weight and spent a lot of time binge eating and then feeling so guilt ridden that I would barely eat the next day or even starve myself, telling myself over and over that this was okay and I had consumed 2 days worth of food in 1 day and the starvation was me balancing the scales.

Then I went to college in 2009 and the exercise I was getting was intense. Walking up and down 5/6 flights of stairs several times a day and eating healthy lunches in the college canteen did me a world of good and I dropped to a dress size 10 :) (I think that's a size 6 in US sizes).

Once I finished college and I was back to sitting about at home all day with time to kill the weight crept back on. And on. And on. Until I was right back where I started.

In January 2011 I joined Slimming World and made fabulous progress, losing 2 st (28 lbs) in 3 months. I was getting fit and losing the weight I'd struggled with for quite some time. Then my finances came into play and I realised that I genuinely couldn't afford to waste £20 a month on dieting classes when I was struggling to make ends meet. So I left.

I cycled from Manchester to Blackpool (61 miles) for charity in July and the training kept the weight off. But now the event is over, and I'm sat at home again with all the goodies in the cupboard and I am finding it so hard to say no. Which might explain why the scales this morning informed me that I weigh a shocking 160.2 lbs. Oh dear indeed.

So the calorie counting begins in earnest. I titled my blog 'My descent into Ana' because I fear that could well be where I end up, though it may not be a conscious decision.

It is now almost noon and I have managed to consume wisely I think.

Breakfast: 1 glass of diluted Kia Ora NAS Orange Cordial - 6 cals.

1 cup of tea with 50 mls of semi-skimmed milk and 2 sweetener tabs - 28.8 cals.

1 slice of white bread toast with 2 grams of light margarine - 120 cals.

Another glass of Kia Ora before lunch - 6 cals.

Lunch: 1 cup of Slim-A-Soup - 59 cals.

1 glass of water - 0 cals.

So far so good. Not sure what my goal weight is at this point. But I was happiest at 8 st (112 lbs). Which as far as I know is healthy for my height, 5ft 4in.

Hopefully I can stick to this. More to the point I hope it works because I can't carry on being this unhappy. Not any more. xoxo