Confusion

When do friends suddenly become ignorant fuckers?  Okay, I confided in a long-term friend today about my disorder and she was a little bit supportive so I opened up to her and you know what her fucking response was?  Well why don't you go back to Slimming World?!  WTF?!  Send someone with an eating disorder to a dieting club.  How backwards is that?  Like I need more persuasion to obsess about my weight and food intake.  Her reasoning was that I could still eat loads of food and lose the weight healthily.  
Eat loads of food?  That thought terrifies me to such a point that I feel sick.  I explained to her that until I can change the way I view food that going to Slimming World would cause me untold levels of anxiety.  At the moment everything I eat has a calorific intake and I'm so obsessed with those numbers that even if they told me I could eat unlimited amounts of pasta/rice/meat etc I would still add it all up, measure and weigh it, and still not eat over my calorie limit.  And then she changed her FB status to 'Now that I've finished my complaint break, time to get on with things.'


Is that how the entire world sees it all?  That's the second time that comment has been made in my direction and it makes me so angry.  How dare they judge me?  Yes I have issues, and yes I'm seeking help but that's enough to label me as complaining?  You're screwed if you don't and screwed if you do so it seems.


I am so beyond upset.  I am numb.  That's my Mother and a so called friend of mine in the last 2 weeks.  I am so much better off alone.  'Friends' just complicates the whole thing.  From this point onwards I tell no-one else and if they guess then that's up to them.  I really don't give a fuck.

Just want to say a quick hello to everyone reading this.  It means a lot to me to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do :)


Not much has happened since my last post really.  I got a phone call from a lady at the Willows ED Services who wanted to book me in for my first therapy appointment on Thursday 16th Feb.  Will let you know how I get on with that.  Am very apprehensive about it all.  


My disorder is worsening, there's no denying that.  I was talking to my BF about it last night.  Over the past few days I've started getting the urge to make myself sick.  This disturbs me a bit.  So far I haven't but it seems like when I eat something, a few mouthfuls in my stomach tightens as if my body is telling me I've had enough and then afterwards I have the most intense feeling of nausea.  All I can think about then is making myself sick so I can feel some sort of relief.
I wonder if I did it once to get the relief I need whether I would be able to stop or whether I would be setting myself off on a slippery slope?


Has anyone else experienced this?  I would really appreciate some advice.  In the meantime I continue to feel sick and uncomfortable.


Time to take my mind off it all.  Time for a workout.

Week three!
Weekly challenge: Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren’t going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!

Day fifteen: What is your favourite kind of exercise?

Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?

Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?

Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?

Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?

Day twenty: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?

15.  My favourite exercise is aerobics and zumba.  They both make my adrenaline rush and make me feel great.

16.  I'm ashamed to say yes, most often at the moment.

17.  I've never been called fat but I was called skinny quite a lot before I was pregnant.

18.  I don't have to eat anything I don't want to.  I choose to eat with my family but if I don't want to I don't plan on offering them an explanation.  They are against my dieting and not remotely supportive of me with my disorder so there you have it.  I am mostly alone.

19.  Yeah, a few times I've said I'm not feeling well to avoid eating and I've also said I only had meals later than I had.

20.  I do binge, at the moment it seems like every other day.  My main trigger is being alone in the house.  I'm more in control if there are people here.

Much love,

AK xoxo

What a day, RANT!!!

Today's weight = 146.  Disappointing but deserved after last night's antics.  Ridiculous.  Ah well, need to put it behind me and focus on moving on.

Had my bloods done today as requested by Pauline, will get the results on Wednesday.  Also had my ECG done this afternoon.  What a fucking nightmare. Made the HUGE mistake of taking my Mother with me to the appointment.  As always, she managed to turn it all around so it was about her.  My appointment, my ECG, her issues?  I'm fairly sure that's not what is supposed to happen.

The nurse was asking me how my issues started so she could try to understand why the ECG had been requested as there were no notes on the system.  Next thing I know she's telling the nurse that she must have an ED too because she checks the labels on foods and doesn't always eat right.  I honestly felt like screaming.  Why is everything always about her?!  It's me that has the fucking issues, she is diabetic, that's why she has to check the fucking labels.  And it just got worse from there.  'Well it all started when she went to Slimming World last year, she lost a lot of weight in a short space of time and then she's never been able to cope since.'  Like I'm a sodding child.  Fuck off Mother.  Honestly, it pisses me off.  It's like she's trying to be supportive but only on her terms.  Balls to that, that's not the kind of support I need.  I need support on my terms and screw everyone else.  It isn't about them.  I'm just going to have to cut them out of my life gradually.  Making me think it's all in my head and there's nothing wrong with me is hardly being supportive is it?  If anything it is likely to make me worse and I can do without that.

Last week when we were going grocery shopping I was telling her I'd received the letter from Pauline and I would appreciate it if she would read it when we got back.  Then she said (and I fucking quote) "I know you're complaining about yourself but I think *** may have an eating disorder you know."

Now I'm well aware that *** (my step-sis) hardly eats and is stick thin, trust me it hasn't gone unnoticed and I'm equally concerned for her as I love her to bits.  But that's not what bothered me.  Complaining?  Is that what me reaching out to her seems like?  I need a support network who can help me through all this crap and that's how she views everything?  

Everything seems so fucked up and difficult.  The only person who doesn't push me and offers support when I ask for it is my BF.  My Father thinks there's nothing wrong with me and that the professionals are wrong.  My Mother also seems to be taking that stance though she won't openly say it and belittles me when I talk about it all to her, so why bother.  

Clearly I need people like my BF in my life, and ironically my family are not so supportive of me after all.  Like I'm more hassle than I'm worth.  

Perhaps they're right.  Best not to let them be involved in it any more.  If they ask how it's all going then I'll be as limitedly honest as I can get away with.  Well after all, there's nothing wrong with me right?  Precisely.

Consumed around 1000 cals today.  Not been bothered to count which isn't like me at all but it's just been one of those days where I wish I hadn't got the fuck out of bed.  Finger's crossed tomorrow will be better.  Let's face it, it can't be any worse can it?

Much love,

AK xoxo

Self Loathing

I really really hate myself right now.  Binged myself stupid and now the self loathing is setting in.  It starts by me feeling sick over what I've eaten, then I hate myself for being weak, then I can think of nothing but ridding myself of it all, then ultimately I sit feeling the deepest loathing for myself and refusing to purge because I DESERVE to gain weight.  Fat fucking ugly fuck!


I feel sick and stupid.  Only idiots put themselves through all this crap.


Anyway time for bed before I do something stupid.  Glad I feel ill, might be able to fast tomorrow.  Fuck knows I need it.  Stupid weak pitiful bitch.

Disappointment

So gutted.  


My scales have been incorrect and admitting it was hard because I liked what they said.  But when I went seeing the therapist last month she weighed me and I was 149lbs, whereas on my scales in the morning I was 141lbs and I'd only had a black coffee before I went to the appointment.  I naively said 'well her scales are wrong'.  But then Mother came and weighed herself on my scales she said 'Ooh, I like your scales hon, they say I'm half a stone lighter'.


Eventually the penny dropped and yesterday I went to buy some new scales (which I paid a lot for), some WeightWatcher's Precision Scales.  The sad thing is that both Mother's scales and Pauline's scales were accurate all along.  


This means however that I'm fatter than I thought and after I thought I was doing so so well it's all been shot to shit and I'm upset and disheartened.

Morning weight = 145lbs.  FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!!!!!!


Had some breakfast for the first time in ages with my son.  It felt awful and so wrong that I was so slow eating it.  I'm beginning to feel like a crazy person.  This isn't how things should be, and I do see that in some ways but I can't picture doing anything differently now.  I've got 33lbs to lose to get to my UGW of 112lbs.  I will lose it, I promise.  Not sure who I'm making this promise to really but it's out there anyway.


  Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?


Not as such, no.  Maybe I should, and it might make things easier.  But a cheat day for me would signal a loss of control and I can't let that happen.  Because once I start eating I fear I won't stop and that thought alone puts me off.


I'm debating on having another go at the ABC diet....I don't know.  I'd like to get at least into the 2nd week before bottling out.  I've looked at the results people have had with this diet and it shows that it works.  And I need to drop this weight, it's making me unhappy beyond all possible measure.


May start it tomorrow.  Last time I got to day 5 and stumbled into a frenzied binge and screwed it all up.  


Must get beyond Day 5.  Must get beyond it.


Much love,


AK xoxo

Trying To Be Normal

Life is becoming increasingly hard.  I've always tried to keep things as normal as possible for my son so he doesn't develop issues with food like I have.  But I can't keep doing it, and I'm slipping. It's getting increasingly difficult to eat with him though I am trying to.  At the end of the day I'm disordered, and the way I look at food isn't normal and I just have to try to get on with it and hope it doesn't affect him too much.


Today's weight = 137lbs.  Not too bad but I can't wait to reach 130.  


Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?
Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?
Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?


10.  No I don't usually, but on the odd occasions that I do I'll have 2 slices of Weightwatcher's toast with a thin spread of extra light philadelphia.


11.  My family's eating habits are all over the place really.  There's no set meal times, just eat when you're hungry.  No sign of structure.


12.  My friends, for the most part, eat really well I think, though a few are overweight/obese and one is really underweight for her height.


13.  My friends don't tempt me to eat anything really, they'll suggest somewhere to go and it kinda goes to a vote so it's not usually too bad.  But lately we've been organising things in advance so it gives me a chance to scope out some 'healthy' venues such as Starbucks :D


Much love,


AK xoxo

A Welcome Maintain And Hair Dye Disaster?

Weight = 138lbs.  Again.  Which is good considering I binged last night.  I felt sick to the pit of my stomach when I went to bed knowing that all the junk I'd just stuffed into my face was going to fester in my insides.  But I've managed by some miracle not to gain.  Good times.


Also I had a slight hair dye mishap so the hat has been dusted off and firmly shoved on my bonce for the next 2 weeks, never to be removed lol.  I'd dyed it red a while back and my roots were showing pretty bad, like about 2 inches (terrible I know), so I decided to dye it blonde.  I used a pre-lightener cream first which stripped most of the red away and then I put the blonde dye on...my hair is now a blondey ginger colour :-O  Not exactly what I had in mind, but it says that I can't put another dye on for 2 weeks.  Oh dear lol.  Ah well, at least it's an even colour and not patchy heh.


Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.


My favourite food has to be all bread products.  I love them all, and though I know technically they're not unhealthy I do reduce how much I eat of them as they are usually pretty high in cals.  But what can I say?  I love crumpets, english muffins, croissants, bread, barmcakes/rolls, pitta breads, naan breads, tortilla wraps.  You name it.  I love the lot.  Shame I can't eat the lot but never mind.


Much love,


AK xoxo

Frustrated, again

Today's weight = 138lbs, AGAIN.  And I didn't eat any junk all day and I stayed roughly within limit yesterday.


Fasted my way through breakfast and lunch then had dinner with my son.  Beans and sausage (208 cals), 2 slices of toast (100 cals) = 308 cals.


As an evening snack I had some microwaveable veggies with salt and pepper butter (154 cals) and a WeightWatcher's dessert (62 cals) = 216 cals.


Total for the day = 524 cals.  Deduct the fact that I was cleaning my kitchen, scrubbing the cupboards and doing the dishes etc plus the school run and walking to the doctors with my son, how the fuck have I maintained?!  Please don't tell me I've hit a plateau.  That would really piss me off.


Cals intake = 524.
Cals burned (according to Livestrong) = 1236.  


What the hell is going on?  Has my metabolism packed it's bags and vanished, never to be seen again?


God knows what I can do about it, fuck all I suppose.  Just keep going the way I am and hope for the best.

Week Two!
If you broke your unhealthy habit for one week, congratulations! Why not try two weeks?

Consider it done, I did miss chocolate a bit but nothing I can't live without.

Weekly challenge: Get organised! This week try to plan tomorrow’s meal the night before.

I'll certainly give it a try.

Day eight: Name 5 things you like about your body (you can do it) and the one body part you’d like to change the most.

I like my nails (they're always long and strong)

I like my hands (they're slim and smooth)

I like my collarbones (they look lovely now)

I like my breasts (not too big and not too small)

I like my (Gosh I'm struggling now) wrists (they are slim and one bears my sons name).

That was harder than I thought.  Oh dear.

I'd like to change my thighs, they are huge and show no sign of slimming.  I absolutely hate them.

Much love,

AK xoxo